Honey and Anxiety

If you know me at all, you know that I have a tiny dog who I love a lot. She brings me a lot of joy, she always snuggles me at night, and she always makes sure that I am covered in kisses. She is wonderful. Now we get to laugh at her, though, because my tiny dog has anxiety. She is a chihuahua, so part of her shaking is just genetic, but she seriously freaks out about everything.

Yesterday, I sat down to do my devotions and she was visibly upset. She was shaking and growling, and she just wanted to be held. She jumped up on my lap and tried to bury her little dog head in the crook of my arm, still shaking and barking. I pet her and reassured her that she was safe, that I had her, that she could calm down, and rest.

In this moment, God chose to teach me, or rather remind me, of a very important lesson I often forget. Much like Honey, I often come to Jesus full of fear, shaking, afraid, worried and stressed. And much like I did, Jesus holds me, comforts me, and reassures me that everything is going to be alright.

Is the correlation a little silly? Of course! But I look at Honey and think, why are you anxious, nothing is going to happen to you while I am here. You don’t need to be afraid little one. I think that Jesus wanted to remind me that His words to me are the same words I say to Honey.

We don’t need to be afraid when Jesus is always holding us.

I Cried in the Break Room Today

I cried in the break room today. I cried while I was eating my lunch. I cried as I scrolled through Facebook. Today, I cried in the break room.

This is a usual occurrence for me; I cry in random places often. Like, I’m not kidding, I cry all the time for no logical reason. I’m in control of my emotions. I’m not a crazy person. Sometimes I know why I am crying, and other times I have to explore the reason behind the tears. I cry all the time. 

You see, when God made me, He gifted me with a compassionate heart. He gave me a heart that beats the way His heart beats. He gave me eyes to see beyond the surface of a person into their souls. He gave me emotions that feel empathetic and sympathetic toward His children. He gave me a soft heart. 

I cried in the break room today because I read a headline. I didn’t even need to read the story. The headline stated that a mailman saved a girl who was a victim of sex trafficing. (After I saw the headline, I had to read it. And my heart broke even more).  I cry when I see a homeless person on the side of the road, and I have nothing to give them. I cry when I read about overdoses or I watch a show about prisons on Netflix. I cry about children in foster care, and little ones who don’t have parents. 

God’s precious children are hurting. There is so much brokenness and sadness in our world. There is so much sin in our world and it makes me cry. I cry because others do not know the Love that I know. I cry because others do not have the Hope that I have. I cry because others do not have the Peace that I have. Our world is constantly looking for redemption. We want better, we want more. We want good to replace bad. Our world craves pleasure and goes after it at all costs. And that’s why I cry. Our culture is not a culture of compassion. Our culture is one of indifference. Our culture is selfish and seeks to please their self instead of looking at the pain that others are feeling. That is why I cry. 

Often times I get frustrated because any little thing can break my heart and make me cry. But Jesus reminds me that it’s a gift. It is a blessing to see the hurt in our world and feel deeply about it. Sympathy is a gift. Empathy is a tool. Those of us with compassionate hearts have the opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus. We have the responsibility of sitting with our friends and neighbors in their pain and feeling it with them. We have the duty to pray with our friends and believe that better is coming for them. 

An overly compassionate, empathetic, sympathetic heart is such a gift. Hold on to your compassion and let Jesus give you His eyes. Cry your heart out and be sad for the brokenness in the world. As a Christian, we know what is to come. We know that we have a Father who makes all things new and brings redemption and restoration. Hold on to your compassionate heart and let Jesus show you how to minister to His children. 

Something about lukewarm Christianity, not being like the world, and seeking first the kingdom

Wow, two posts in one week? What is happening!

Well, let me tell you, friends. The last few weeks I have been diving into Jesus. I have been seeking first the kingdom, I have put His will above my own, I have been listening with my heart to Jesus, and in doing all this, I have been finding Him. The more we connect with our Heavenly Father, the more He can speak to us, and through us.

A few weeks ago, I realized that I had set up idols in my life. This is a really difficult thing to admit as a Christian. Confessing that, once I realized it, was easy. Because I am a Christian, I want Christ to be first. I know that apart from Him, I can do nothing (John 15:5). I was one of "those girls" who held her boyfriend in a place that was higher than Christ. Growing up, I promised myself I would never do this, but because I could see him and because I knew he would have good things to say, I put him first. The second idol I placed in my life, and honestly it was probably even more important than my other idol, was fear. Fear manifested itself as anxiety as well. I let fear and anxiety control me. I worried constantly about what could happen, what someone might say, how this may screw up the plan for me life. One day though, I woke up and I was like, no! I am tired of this. I don't want to be a slave to fear, to my emotions, and I handed it over to Jesus. I believe I mentioned this in another post, but I just wanted to give a little recap for those of you just joining.

The last few months, God has been speaking to me about being a lukewarm Christian. A few months ago, Sid said to me, "I want to be the kind of person who lives their life in a way that screams Jesus." Those words stuck with me because at the time, I was not living my life that way. The more I began to explore this subject, the more frustrated and angry I became with not only myself, but with Christians as a whole. There are so many of us who are living lukewarm lives. We aren't on fire for the Lord, but we certainly aren't heathens, we are merely just going through the motions. We show up to church on Sunday night and we go to our Bible study during the week. Maybe we listen to the Christian radio station during our drive into work. But apart from those times, we aren't actively seeking the Lord in our life. It takes too much work to read the Bible, there isn't enough time, praying is boring...what excuses do we use? Now, I don't believe in a works based faith, but I do believe that you are going to be stuck, stagnant and slipping deeply into complacency unless you are praying, worshiping, and picking up your Bible. You cannot call yourself a Christian and not put in the work to maintain your relationship with Christ.  The Creator of the universe wants to tell us how much He loves us. He wants us to come and sit with Him. He wants to hear about our day. He wants us to thank Him. He desires to be with us. He created us for His glory. But we cannot expect all of the blessings He has for us by merely saying, "oh yea, I am a Christian." It takes work.

I don't think we realize how much the world effects us. I don't think we put in enough care as we should as to what we are allowing to infiltrate our minds. There are songs, tv shows, books, magazines that we read and we may think they are harmless, but everything that you take in makes an impression on your soul. Friends, we have to stop thinking that this stuff is innocent. There are songs that play on the radio that physically make me sick because of the message they are sending. This is what I am talking about, either stuff is for God, or it is against God. There is no in between. That line may fall at a different place for different people. I would encourage you to find where that line is. This is done by listening to the Holy Spirit and when He is poking you, and you know that it isn't right, you need to drop it and walk away. I don't think that enough of us are doing this. We need to remember that we are called to be in the world but not of it (1 John 2:15-17; Romans 12:2; 1 Corinthians 9:19-23). Living in the world is fine, in fact we are here to be a light to other people, but living LIKE the world isn't okay. God doesn't call us to fit in. He has told us that we are set apart. We can live in this world, and yet be nothing like it, and we need to start grasping how serious of a situation this is.

I want us to be people who are on fire for God. I want to see my generation as a generation who is so in love with Jesus that it oozes out of us every second of every day. The church in Acts is a great example of what we as Christians should be striving for. The Holy Spirit was moving and instead of thinking, "eh, someone else will do it," the Church was responding. We should be a Church like that. People often complain that the world has given a bad name to Christians...why can't we change that. Instead of looking down at the world, with our stern finger of condemnation and furrowed eyebrows of pride, why can't we be loving people so really and authentically that they want in on what we have? That is living a life that is red-hot for the Lord. You can't do that by being like the world, you just can't. Going back to what my boyfriend said, we should be a people who are living our lives in a way that screams Jesus. We should be striving to show people the heart of our Father. And to get to this place, we need to turn off Netflix, we need to put down video games, we need to take a break from ungodly influences and start opening up our Bibles, starting dropping to our knees in prayer, start worshiping the God who created us and truly begin seeking first the kingdom (Matthew 6:33). When we start doing that friends, we are going to see God moving and He is going to start shaking our world in the most wonderful, powerful, and awesome ways.

Drop a comment and let me know your thoughts on this.

Self-caring for Your Temple

I am going to begin this post by telling you all that the message I feel on my heart tonight is very heavy. I am hoping that I find the words to adequately explain the thoughts and the words that are rushing through my head. But, before we begin, the last three weeks have been especially difficult for me. I don't feel the need to share what is going on at this point, but I do believe there will be a time when I talk about this period in my life in such a way that brings so much glory to God our Father. For now, I am keeping this all inside and waiting in anticipation for the Lord to carry out His will. God is good all the time, and even in mess, it is important to remember that God is still working on His masterpieces (Ephesians 2:10).

Now to begin what I really want to say! As I was driving to my grandparent's house this evening, I was thinking about some topics that I could write about. I settled on the importance of self-care (as I was coming to her house to take a bubble bath). Never have I understood self-care, that is until this last year... and NOW I understand how important it is. So, as I sat in my bubble bath, I mulled over thoughts and ideas of how I could write this blog, what I could say that would be especially interesting and captivating. Nothing really came...instead I started to think of something the Lord told me this morning, something that I thought was just for me. I wasn't planning to share my conversation with Him, but something kept telling me that I needed to write this down (Maybe that "something" is the Holy Spirit, eh?)

Let's recap for those of you who don't know everything about me... ;)

In 2015 I moved to Honduras. While it was a WONDERFUL experience, I became extremely sick. Many people do not understand the severity of what I went through in Honduras. At one point, I was laying on my bathroom floor, crying and completely unable to move and all I could do was say, "Jesus, please just bring me home to You. I can't do this anymore. You have given me a wonderful life." It was truly a terrifying experience for me. In under 24 hours, I lost 17 pounds. I couldn't eat anything, I couldn't even drink anything. When I looked in the mirror, I thought to myself, "this is what death looks like." The sickness over took me, and I was unable to take care of myself or even think. I made the decision to go to the emergency room, which was another terrifying experience all together. The week I was sick was honestly the worst time of my life.

When I came home, I was mostly excited to be where there was modern medicine. I was so happy to be home. The excitement of coming home over took the ordeal that I had gone through, and though I would tell people I was sick, I never explained the trauma that I had gone through during that week. I didn't even realize it was trauma until a few months ago. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me. I still don't want people to feel sorry for me. I am only sharing this because it is important to what the Lord said to me today.

Coming home meant going to so many doctors appointments. It meant labs and blood draws. It meant questions after questions and speculations about what was going on. The doctor gave several different possible diagnoses, but never settled on what I had picked up. All he knew was that whatever I had had done quite a bit of damage to my gut (ew!) and that had caused irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).

For the last (almost) two years, I have struggled with IBS. The thing about it is that I will be fine for a while, and then all of sudden I am not. It comes in waves, symptoms change, and remedies differ from episode to episode. It has caused anxiety and a variety of other issues that I would never wish on anyone.

Are you depressed yet? Are you sitting there thinking, "why the heck am I reading this?" Please stick  with me, because, it is about to take a turn, and as I said, this is to set up what the Lord shared with me this morning. And friends, I think it is pretty exciting.

This week has been a difficult week with my IBS. I have not felt 100% and I feel very weak and weary. This week I have eliminated most foods and focused on liquids (well, at least I tried too ;)).

On my way to work this morning, I was praying for my day. I started to praise Jesus for healing my knees in Honduras, because honestly, that was just awesome! Then, I started to pray about my IBS, I asked God to take this away from me. Being who I am, I reminded Him of all I was doing to try and combat this issue. And the Lord just said," I am transforming your body into a temple so I can dwell in it." WOAH.

Now people, God was not just talking about my physical health when He said this. I mean I have a lot to work on in that area. But, I have not done the greatest job at taking care of my temple in the past. I have allowed sickness, pain, false gods, sins, lies, and emotions to clutter up my temple.

I prayed about this all day. Being a woman of prayer, I know when the presence of the Lord is moving, and I feel it in my spirit frequently, so I know He didn't mean that He isn't dwelling in me at present. But the more I prayed about what this meant, and the more I meditated on the verse 1 Corinthians 6:19 "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own,"  The more I began to understand why the Lord had said this to me. My physical health is one area that the Lord is transforming, but the even larger area that He is transforming is my spiritual health. 

When I read this verse, I always equate it with eating and exercise, but today it means so much more to me. 

Our bodies are temples. Where did God's spirit dwell in the Old Testament... in the temple, right? God is comparing us to temples, my friends. Temples are holy areas that are in existence for the  purpose of honoring the Lord, and worshiping the Lord, and spending time with the Lord. The temple was where the spirit of God would dwell. Like the presence of God was so strong in one area of the temple that a times people could not enter it because the presence of the Most High God would be enough to kill them. THAT is powerful stuff. Now when Jesus died and the temple veil was torn that changed, I am merely painting a picture with the OT temples. That torn veil opened up the Holy of Holies to all of us. This was a reverent and holy place, and God compares our bodies to temples where the Holy Spirit, whom He gave to us, dwells. I love this idea. We can experience the presence of Jesus in such an awesome way within our own bodies and minds because the Holy Spirit dwells there. 

Now let look at something else. If we are temples, what do we allow into our lives that we would not dream of taking into a church? I thought about that next... There is so much junk and filth and sludge that we allow ourselves to absorb. We tell ourselves that it doesn't effect us. We tell ourselves that it isn't really sin. We tell ourselves that everyone does it anyway, EVEN Christians. But I started to think, what if all of this crap we are carrying and holding onto is what is keeping us from truly dwelling with the Holy Spirit? I would say that it clutters our temple and there is so much in our temple that we push the presence of the Holy Spirit so far out that we can't feel Him anymore. Maybe this doesn't happen intentionally and then one day we take our eyes off the crap and start to look around for the Holy Spirit and we feel like we can't find Him. (This is 100 % our fault as we know that God NEVER leaves us). 

Are you getting what I am saying friends, or am I just some crazy girl who is too relaxed from her bubble bath to be making any sense right now? 

God wants us to treat our bodies as such a place that the Holy Spirit can dwell there all the time. With every breath, every heartbeat, every step, we can, and should, feel Him. THAT is how it should be. How exciting would that be? I'll tell you what, once you get a little taste of His presence, it becomes addicting and you crave it all the time. And when that happens, the things of earth seem so small and insignificant. That is because we have the Creator of the entire universe actually dwelling in us.  

I started with my story of Honduras and now it doesn't seem to tie into my ending here. I think that the point I wanted to make is that we should be working on our temples (duh). We should be striving to become a place where the Holy Spirit dwells. Sometimes it looks like dealing with our physical health and sometimes we need to work on our spiritual health. I just feel so strongly about this. 

So this week, I would encourage you to take time and self-care for your temple. For me, that means laying in a bubble bath listening to quiet worship and just pouring my heart out to Jesus. Maybe for you it means working out or fasting. Maybe there is something else you need to try this week to treat your body as a temple. And maybe, and it means doing some cleaning out of the crap in your temple to make room for the Holy Spirit. Whatever it is, do it this week. You can even use me for accountability. 

I would love to hear your thoughts. Message me, comment on this, or text me because I can not express how much I would love your thoughts and feed back. (Especially yours, Dad). 

Have a good week friends! 

(COMPLETELY off topic, my grandma just saw me typing this and said "you are so good at the type writer," she is awesome).

No Longer A Slave

Within the last 30 days, I decided to end one of the longest relationships I have ever been in. It was a toxic relationship, one that turned me into a different person. This relationship was composed of lies and manipulation that were used to control me. I would dwell on it constantly. My thoughts and my judgement were clouded because I was consumed by this relationship. Sure, we had an on again, off again relationship, but I could never fully let go of it. I clung to it, I always took it back even though I had been the one pushing it away. 

So, I chose to end my relationship and that is exactly what I did. This relationship I speak of was not with another person. For as long as I can remember, I have been in a relationship with fear. 

Like I mentioned in the first paragraph, I let fear control me. I let fear turn me into a different person. I believed the lies that fear told me. I would let fear consume me to the point that I would just shake and became unable to move. I would believe that if I just prayer harder, or if I just ignored it, it would go away. Sometimes fear would leave me and I would think, finally, I am free. Within a few months (or sometimes even just days), it would sneak back in and I would be in a downward spiral of emotions that would consume me. 

The first thing I was afraid of was giraffes. Yea? it is weird right? When I was a little girl, only 1 or 2, my room was on the second story of our house. I had a window in my room and I remember being terrified at night that a giraffe was going to look in my window at me while I was asleep. Of course this is silly. Giraffes are incredible, but that is how the enemy introduces fear. 

I went through a period of my life where I was terrified of skeletons. I won't go into much detail, but I saw a picture of skeletons and for at least a year, I was terrified to go to sleep. My parents and my sister would take turns sleeping with me, because if someone wasn't with me, I wouldn't fall asleep. As I would lay in bed, I would imagine that there was a skeleton sitting in my bean bag chair just on the other side of my head board. Again, it sounds totally silly, but the fear was really real. 

As I have grown up, I have still come across many fears, but they have started to change. I was always afraid of what others will think of me. I was afraid that I would let people down. I was afraid that I wasn't good enough. I was afraid that I would fail. And it would still consume me. 

When I came home from Honduras, I was left with so much anxiety. Anxiety would consume me. Anxiety is just a feeling of fear. It is really nothing more than that. But I would use my anxiety as an excuse to get out of doing something that made me uneasy. (I believe anxiety is very real and part of my anxiety was due to my health, but a majority of it was just a state of mind that I had control over). 

Fear robbed me of so much enjoyment in life. I missed out on opportunities because I was afraid of what could happen. I altered plans for my life because I was afraid of what others might think about me. Fear was lonely, it isolated me. Fear was confusing and it would twist my thoughts until I thought I was crazy. Fear robbed me of a full life. 

I am standing on the other side of fear now. I have given it too many years of my life to pick it back up. Because I am a child of God, I have not been given a spirit of fear. This means that I have authority over it and it cannot control me. I do not believe that fear is a part of life, especially if you are a child of God. I do believe that God has given you a spirit of power and of love and a sound mind, which are all the opposite of fear. I do believe that you can walk in complete and total freedom from fear and whatever stronghold is holding you back in life. 

And that is why I write this friends, I write this hoping that someone clicks on it and reads it and thinks "hey! I am not alone." I write what I struggle with in hopes that it may help someone who is struggling through the same thing. I write because I want you to know that I am always here and willing to listen and pray for you. I also write because I want to call what we keep hidden into the light, because when it is in the light, it loses its power. 

Remember that as a child of God, you are not a slave. Whatever is holding you back, whatever chains are attached to your life, whatever bondage you are in, whatever lie you are believing, it has no authority over you unless you give it authority. You can take that authority away in a split second because you are a child of God and you have that power through Christ. So, let it go friends. Drop it at the foot of the cross and enter into a life full of freedom. 

Dwelling on the Waves

                It was cold and rainy tonight when I was leaving my boyfriend’s house. I got in my car, but instead of turning on music like I normally do, I decided to drive in silence. I don’t see the greatest at night and with the rainy and the wind, I wanted to devote all of my attention to driving.

                I was probably two miles from Sid’s house when I felt something very heavy over my heart. I began to pray. I prayed over my health, I prayed for mental clarity, I prayed that I would feel Jesus. I was on Jefferson, and I had just passed a gas station when I felt a tug at my heart again. This time it wasn’t heavy, it was peaceful. I sat in that feeling for a moment, wrestling with my inner thoughts and emotions.

                I feel so far from God. I don’t feel that I am living a life of sin, but I don’t think that I have organized my life in a way that says, “Yes Lord, You are first, You have complete control.” There is not one area of my life that I specifically put first, I just know that many times Christ is second. That is no way to live, my friends. There are moments when I feel the presence of God so strongly and I think to myself, “I wish it was like this all the time.” So why can’t it be?
                I was telling a friend tonight that it seems like forever since I have heard from the Lord. Before I moved to Honduras, I was having regular conversations with Him. I heard him clearly and audibly. This year, I have heard from clearly from Him once (I have had confirmation about something, but only once has it been audible). It was a big thing, and something super important. But I haven’t had that clear reassurance from Him in a while. That is really hard for me. And tonight I realized that it is because I am not orienting my life in a way that I am allowing Christ to speak to me as freely as He wants to. I run to Him when I NEED to hear from Him, or I WANT to hear from Him. I am not in constant communication with Him.

                This year I have struggled with IBS (which is irritable bowel syndrome for those of you who don’t know). It is exhausting. It has caused anxiety in my life. It has caused exhaustion. It is just horrible. And it is draining. I feel like it consumes so much of me.  I don’t want this anymore. And if it is just my body or whatever, I don’t want to focus on it anymore. I was created to be whole, you were created to be whole. And even when there are sucky things in our lives, we can chose not to dwell on them. It is hard, I get that, I struggle with it too. I know though, that when I am dwelling on my struggles and issues, I am opening a door to let satan tell me every single lie that he can think of. I think of the story of Peter walking on the water in moments like this. God brought it to my mind this summer. Peter steps out in faith, trusting Jesus, and he is physically walking on water. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. But when he takes his eyes off Jesus, and starts to see the waves, when he DWELLS on the struggles around him, he begins to sink. When I take my eyes off of Jesus for one second, I start sinking. Life begins to overwhelm me. The father of lies begins to overtake my emotions and I dwell on them. All Peter does is reach out to Jesus. And that is where I am tonight. I am overwhelmed with a few different things, health things, emotional things, relationship things, and I am reaching out to Jesus.

                I know a few people read my blog posts every time I would write something, and if you are one of them who chooses to read, thank you. I use my blog to vent and to share my struggles and the conclusions I draw from them. I also use it for accountability. It’s not always peppy and upbeat, most times it is the opposite. I just feel that God has given me the gift of written communication and this is how I use it. Thank you for reading, I hope that something in this post was helpful for you! 

A letter to the friends who have changed me "for good"

There is a beautiful song called "For Good" that sings about friendship. My favorite line says, "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good." I have many friends who have changed me for good. And I am so blessed by each and everyone of them. I would like to take a moment to thank them.

Chances are that you know you have impacted my life because I like to tell you. I send you random texts at bizarre times and out of the blue thanking you or complimenting you on something that I appreciate about you. You probably know that you matter to me, because I try to tell you as often as I can without seeming like a crazy psycho lady. I really love you a lot.

Some of you are still in my life. And you play in active role day to day. Others of you have come and gone, and not in a bad way, sometimes life just takes us in a different direction and we move on. But that doesn't mean that I stopped loving you or caring about you. And when I see your posts on Facebook, it fills my heart with joy to see you doing well.

I want to thank you for listening to my tearful phone calls. Thank you for letting me complain for the millionth time. I want to thank you for the encouraging words on the days when life is just a little rough. I am blessed when you spend time with me, even if we aren't doing anything of significance. You put up with a lot of my craziness, and my times of stupid silliness, and that blesses my heart. Thank you for going along with my off the wall ideas, especially when they are spontaneous. Thank you for being a constant. And in this crazy selfish world, thank you for recognizing that friendship works both ways. Thank you for being honest with me, even when it hurts. I cannot tell you how much it means that you make me a priority. And when you text me first, well it just brightens my whole day.

You have taught me a lot. You have taught me that I can love someone in a way that I can not even describe. I have learned that I am a lot stronger than what I was giving myself credit for. You have let me be who I am, and when I am with you, I am 100% myself. You have showed me love, even when it may have been difficult to love me. Because of you, I have confidence. When I am with you, my heart is so full of joy that is feels like it might actually explode.

Family plays a big role in shaping us into who we are, but friends also play a role. I would not be who I am had it not been for each and everyone of you special people. Thank you for impacting my life and for being a part of this fantastic journey. I am so blessed.

You are deeply loved and so appreciated,
Charlotte Lainey