I am feeling a lot right now and maybe a post isn't the best solution, but there is so much that I need to say. First, California is absolutely wonderful. I love being here. I had the opportunity to visit Lake Tahoe and the pictures I took do not even begin to do it justice. It was breathtaking. God's creativity and greatness never ceases to amaze me. Being in nature is something that I have loved since I was a little girl. There is something about removing yourself from the real world for a while and sitting in the presence of God. I have never really experienced mountains. I mean I have seen them, and we drive up into them in Honduras, but these mountains are so different. There was snow everywhere and adorable little cabins nestled between the giant trees. I felt like I was living in a fairy tale! I realized that compared to other places, Indiana is super boring. Like we have corn. And Shipshewana is fun, but we don't have beautiful mountains. We have snow, but that is like the most beautiful thing we get in Indiana and half the people hate it. My time here has opened my eyes. I love it.
As my surgery gets closer and closer, my heart gets more anxious. I am so tired of hearing, "Oh another surgery, that's a shock!" or "Man you just really can't wait to have another surgery can you?" I am so tired of these little remarks that are probably made to provide some humor, but they really bother me. I don't have surgeries because I think it is fun. I don't have them because I am bored and decide one day, "Hey, it would be fun to have another surgery! I think I will do that!" This is how God made me, and I don't know why I have needed five surgeries, I don't know why I am in constant pain, and I don't think that I will ever understand the reasoning behind it. I do know that this is in His plan. I have prayed for years asking Him to take away the pain and the dislocations and to heal me, and in all honesty, I think that He is using doctors to heal the dislocations. The pain is another story. For years I have thought: Well when I am better....then I can do this. And recently I have found that this is a lie. I don't know when this pain will end, it may never end and I have let it hold me back for so long that I don't want it to hold me back anymore. It has been a learning process for me, but I have learned that in my weakness from pain, God is ever present, and ever strong. It is hard to live in that. It is hard to believe it. I know in my head that God is strong, I heard it on Veggietales when I was little, I sing it in worship songs, I read it during devotions, but I think that my heart is just starting to believe it. I constantly remind myself that there will be a day with no more pain.
Now with that being said, I want to talk about joy. Not happiness, joy. I was sitting at home two weeks ago when I realized that I am joyful. Deep down, I have so much joy in my heart. Even during this really hard time. I have never stopped to reflect on joy. When you are in pain, it is easy to focus on the bad and the hurt, it is difficult to focus on the joy. And when I stopped to, I was reminded that the joy of the Lord is my strength. If I let the darkness, and the sadness and at times the anger that all of this brings me overpower me, I couldn't go on. Instead, I have chosen to focus on the joy that is alive in my heart, and I have let that walk me through this. I am not saying that every day is rainbows and butterflies, in fact it is the opposite most days, but I have so much good in my life. It is silly to let the darkness overtake me. I am so blessed. I get to serve some of the greatest high schoolers in the world three times a week. That is a wonderful feeling. I get to fulfill the call that God has given me within this year. I get to move to Honduras and be a missionary which is something I have dreamed about for so long. I get to spend a lot of time with my family, and yes I miss being at college and having that experience, but I am getting a really good education online. There is so much good.
I titled my blog When I am Alone, Give me Jesus because I feel alone a lot. I am missing out on a community of people my own age, I do spend a lot of time by myself, and I also seclude myself because I just feel like people don't always understand me. And I was feeling alone last night, and the song Give me Jesus came to mind. There is no problem that we face where God is not enough. He is always enough. Again, it is something that is hard to believe at times, but in every situation, He is more than enough. And I need that reminder daily. And maybe you have it figured out, and you believe that with your heard 100% not one doubt in your mind. But if you have stuck with this post until the very end, and you need to hear it today, God is enough. He has always been and He will always be more than enough.
Thanks for reading and listening to my heart.
