I can't remember the last time when I was pain free. Tonight I tried to remember when I felt good. In trying to remember a morning when I woke up, ready and excited for the day ahead of me. And tonight as I lay in bed. I can't remember these things. I know I felt great my first semester at Bethel. But since that second semester, it's been one thing after the other. Pain is a major factor in my life, it has the ability to control me. I'm not writing this post for you to feel sorry for me. I am not writing it to provide you with clarity in regards to my day to day life. I am writing it, hoping that you find some encouragement. I have learned so much being in constant pain. And tonight I need to write it down for myself. I need this post to serve as a reminder to myself in the future that this really is a refining process. Here is what I have learned during the last few years that I have lived in chronic pain.
1. Everyone is going to try and offer you a solution. Whether it is the suggestion to try the holistic path or hearing a surgeon tell you that it might be best to operate. Everyone has their own way of dealing with pain. I was very receptive to the ideas at the beginning. I tried essential oils, I tried vitamins and supplements, I've tried exercise, I've tried wrapping it. If it is an over the counter, simplistic way to "fix" it, I have tried it. I'm at the place where suggestions don't even phase me. They go in one ear and directly out the other. And while I appreciate the suggestions, I have given up hope that they will actually work for me.
2. I know and I believe and I have no doubt that God could heal me. Sometimes we associate pain with disbelief in Christ and His ability to heal. I have been touched and experienced healing so often that I have no doubt God can heal me. None. I could wake up tomorrow and be 100% new, no pain. I have learned that even when you ask and beg and plead with Christ, sometimes His timing does not line up with your agenda. I have no doubt that God can heal me. And I believe that one day he will.
3. It's okay to ask for help. It's necessary. I need a lot of help. I need help wrapping my knee. I need help getting down stairs. It's okay to ask for help when you need it. I'm not good at this, and I am still learning.
4. People just won't understand. Some people just never get why I can't suck it up and get on with my life. It's not always that easy. I wake up and I hurt until I go to bed most days. Occasionally I feel good and strong in the morning. And I suck it up a lot. I don't want people to pity me. There are days when I can do a lot because the pain isn't unbearable. But there are also days when the pain is too great and sucking it up isn't an option.
5. People don't know what to say to comfort me and that's okay. When you haven't experienced someone else's pain, it is difficult to comfort them. Most days I just need to complain. I need to try and find the words to describe how I am feeling. Sometimes my family and friends don't know how to respond. My sister even tells me, "I don't know what to say Char" and she says it in the most gentle and sympathetic way, and that helps. I prefer when people just sit with me in my pain. I know that they can't fix it. But I also know that they are walking through this with me.
6. Being myself is sometimes difficult. People know me for being upbeat and positive and joyful. I have heard so many times, "I don't know how you do it!" And the truth is, I cry a lot. I try to be myself around church friends and school friends. I can push the pain down and ignore it for an hour or too because I want to feel like myself again.
7. Hearing people call me crippled or hop along or saying "you're always getting hurt" or "are you just not getting attention" is actually super hurtful. I'm not going through this because I think it's fun. I haven't had 6 surgeries because I want attention. This is just my life right now. I am not constantly injuring myself. I am injured and it causes constant pain. And the jokes get annoying. They don't make me laugh.
8. I have learned that even though I am in pain, there are a lot of people who are worse than me. Our world is full of people who are hurting. They hurt physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I never want to take my relatively good health for granted. I am so thankful that my pain can be managed. I am so thankful that I can live. I am very blessed. On days when it is especially difficult to move, I try to put it into perspective. One day I will get better and I will be able to function 100% again. Some people aren't that fortunate. Please remember to that, in any struggle, you have it better than so many people in our world.
9. Being in pain is lonely. It's super easy to isolate myself when I'm constantly hurting. Most of the time I don't go out to be around people because I'm just in too much pain. It's been a lonely last few years. Which is why I am so thankful for all of you who have stood with me. I am beyond blessed by the number of family and friends who have prayed for me, who have come over to watch Netflix with me, who have driven me to doctor appointments and have held my hand during physical therapy. I have an incredible support system. I am so thankful for that.
10. Resting is so important. When my pastor talked about the Sabbath a few weeks ago, I realized that this is a spiritual discipline that I have mastered the last few years. It took me a while to realize that I wasn't being lazy. I have had to spend a lot of time laying and sitting down. And those times it is easy to fill my time with Netflix and Facebook. But when I turn off those distractions and I focus on the Lord, my whole spirit feels uplifted. I feel recharged and ready to face the next obstacle. There have been times the last few years when I haven't rested and I have pushed myself and things have gotten worse. Rest is so important for a mending body. We were not designed to keep going and going and going until our breaking point. And yet there are so many people who have that mentality. I would encourage you to rest. Be lazy, but have a purpose to your laziness.
Again, I didn't write this to receive sympathy. And I'm writing this for my benefit. Some things on this list don't just apply to physical pain. They can be true about a multitude of struggles. So if there is something difficult that you are walking through, take a moment to sit back and identify what you are learning. It can help you to deal with the struggle when you know how you feel about it. God is bigger than our hurts, he is bigger than our fears, he is bigger than our weaknesses. It's the most important thing to remember during difficult times.
