It has been almost 24 hours since I have come home and its time to share with everyone the roller coaster of emotions that I have been feeling. To begin, you will notice that I am back to posting on The Joyful Little Cupcake. I am home now, my Honduran adventure has been put on pause, its time to go back to the blog that started it all.
After a lot of prayer, and a whole lot of sickness, I decided that it was time for me to come home. It was the hardest decision that I have had to make. I was really sick when I finally decided, and I was so scared that I was making this decision based only on how I was physically feeling. That wasn't the case though. I was missing school. I felt like I couldn't move some days. I was not functioning. I lost a lot of control over my body. I felt weak and broken. It was really hard. Being sick is never easy, but being sick while also living overseas is more difficult. And so I prayed, and I prayed and I prayed. And in my prayers, I knew that Jesus was okay with me coming home. He gave me peace. I knew in my heart and my head that going home was the best decision for me. My mom came down to pick my up, and we made in home last night.
It is Thursday and I have been home for about 24 hours now. I love my house. I love Michiana. I just love the USA. And I cannot explain to you how happy I feel to be home. But there is a lot of sadness in my heart, coming home was difficult. It is hard to leave a place that you love so much. Leaving friends and friends that are like family is one of the most challenging things.
I am going to get super honest now. I just need to lay it all out there.
I am disappointed in myself and there have been many moments where I feel like I have failed. Honduras is my dream. Loving and serving the people of Honduras is all I have wanted to do since I was 17. And that is why I feel like leaving is me acknowledging that I have failed. I know in my head that I have no control over sickness. I know that I will be going back. I know that God can still use me in the US, I know all of this. But there are many times that I feel like maybe I gave up too soon, or maybe if I had just prayed a little harder, or tried to push my body just a little bit further I could have made it. I know in my head that if I had pushed myself any farther I would have only become sicker. It is still hard to accept that it is okay that I am home. And I know that over the next few weeks I will have to work through those feelings.
I am scared that I will lose who I am when I am in Honduras. I wish that I could explain to you how different I am when I am in Honduras. I wish you all could see it. Because the Charlotte in Honduras is the real Charlotte. It's not that I am hiding the real me when I am in the United States, its just different. I can't explain it. I feel so free in Honduras. I feel happier, I feel more energy, I am more confident. And more importantly than every thing that I feel while I am in Honduras, I experience the presence of the Lord in ways that blow my mind. There are times when I feel like God himself is physically in the same room as me. I feel the Holy Spirit more. I dance and I sing more during worship. And it is all real. There is no trying to create an atmosphere for the Holy Spirit to show up, because He is already there. I feel freedom to be EXACTLY, PERFECTLY, 100% who God created me to when I am in Honduras. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose the incredible faith that I have gained. And I am praying that God really opens my eyes to see Him here in America, like I see Him in Honduras.
I am still really sick friends. I honestly have never felt this terrible. And I am not writing this part for sympathy. I just feel like it needs to be explained. My body is so weak and tired and sick. But my spirit and my soul feel strong.They feel peace and they feel good. And even as miserable as I am, I am using that strength in my spirit to display joy. God can heal me, and I will get better. In the meantime though, I am going to continue to feed my spirit and believe that day by day, God is going to build that up and use it for His glory.
And now, I must say goodnight. I will see you all soon friends. I am home to recover, I am home to rest.
