but I am not apologizing for it.
2015 is a year of mixed emotions, and the few of you who actually read my blog can probably guess why...it is because of Honduras. It took so much work to actually get there, and it ended in two months. And even though I love Honduras dearly, and I miss it terribly, I don't regret coming back home. I really don't. I have grown up so much this year, I say this, and I am sure that you know that I don't mean I have grown up in the society would define growing up. I mean that this was the year that I understood, that I finally figured out, my place in this world. For so long, I have struggled with knowing where I belong, and even knowing who I am, I have walked through depression, loneliness, and pain the last few years, and man does that mess with your mind. But this year, something just clicked and life made sense to me.
I still struggle with feeling icky. I have good days and I have bad days. When everything in your body gets thrown out of wack, it effects more than just your physical health. The past three months have been really hard on my emotional and my mental health. My mind will get fuzzy for no reason. I get anxious about the littlest things, stuff that wouldn't typically stress me out sometimes pushes me a little too far, I get really overwhelmed by noise, light, sounds,and smells and sometimes it causes me to zone out or shut down. And it's been real frustrating to try and handle all of that. It's even more difficult to try and explain it all to people because most times, I literally have no idea how to put it into words. It is hard to know who you are inside, but feel like you are trapped inside a foggy mind that feels like it isn't yours. And maybe none of this is important, but it sets the tone for where I am tonight.
So in the best way that I know how, I am going to make a list of this year. It is a random list that may not have a common theme, mostly because there were too many themes in my life this year.
- I learned that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. And I think that this is true of most people. Life is really hard sometimes you guys, and it can effect us all differently. But look where we are now! And I don't give myself credit for being "strong." As I have mentioned many times, I am strong because God's power has been made perfect in my weakness. As my favorite character of 2015, Kimmy Schmidt would say, "We're the strong ones, and you can't break us!" It is so true!! I learned how to be strong.
- Going with the Kimmy Schmidt theme, you really can endure anything for ten seconds. Life is unpredictable and a lot of times it is easy to find yourself in a place that you never thought you would be. But it is possible to enjoy those places. Even when it is really hard to be "stuck" there, you can just start counting to ten, and then do it again, and again if you have too. If you count to ten enough times, something will change and you can move on to counting for ten more seconds in a new place. Everything is temporary on this earth. Nothing is forever. It's really important to remember that.
- When you put good in, you get good out. I really, really liked to listen to secular music. Most of the time, I was never even up to date on popular songs. In June, I realized that I had replaced all of my praise and worship music with really trashy songs that honestly I didn't even like that much. So I decided to switch it, and I started to put on my praise music and it was a wonderful decision. The more I would listen to the words, the more I would desire to make them true in my life.
- I rested, danced, feasted, learned, sat and I stayed in the presence of Jesus this year. I honestly can't explain this one in a blog post... I would just really like to tell you about it sometime. Though even that might be difficult because I can't begin to describe to you what an incredible feeling it is.
- I figured out who I was, and why I was put on this earth. And here is why, it is a super cliche Christian answer, but it is so true. I am here to serve Jesus. I am his daughter, I was created for a purpose and God has more for me than I can imagine. BOOM. That is truth that we all need.
- I decided that I wanted to be healthy, and I switched my diet, I started looking into natural healing and I started to surrender my health and my healing to Jesus daily. I WAS HEALED THIS YEAR! It was a miracle! And if God can take 5 years of chronic knee pain away in literally .5 seconds, He can heal my entire body from the tip of my toes to the top of my head. And that is what I am going to chase after and peruse.
- Love looks different to me. I understand how to love unconditionally. I understand that love isn't a feeling. It isn't magical. It's not from a fairytale. Love is an action. And you have to pursue love.
I have only touched the tip of the iceberg on this year. There is s much more to say, but it is already pretty long. In 2016, I am going to write down at least one good thing that happens to me every day and put it in a jar to read next Christmas. I am going to take one picture a day. And my most important task this year is to continue saying yes to as many things as possible. It is a way "funner" way to live!
