Dwelling on the Waves

                It was cold and rainy tonight when I was leaving my boyfriend’s house. I got in my car, but instead of turning on music like I normally do, I decided to drive in silence. I don’t see the greatest at night and with the rainy and the wind, I wanted to devote all of my attention to driving.

                I was probably two miles from Sid’s house when I felt something very heavy over my heart. I began to pray. I prayed over my health, I prayed for mental clarity, I prayed that I would feel Jesus. I was on Jefferson, and I had just passed a gas station when I felt a tug at my heart again. This time it wasn’t heavy, it was peaceful. I sat in that feeling for a moment, wrestling with my inner thoughts and emotions.

                I feel so far from God. I don’t feel that I am living a life of sin, but I don’t think that I have organized my life in a way that says, “Yes Lord, You are first, You have complete control.” There is not one area of my life that I specifically put first, I just know that many times Christ is second. That is no way to live, my friends. There are moments when I feel the presence of God so strongly and I think to myself, “I wish it was like this all the time.” So why can’t it be?
                I was telling a friend tonight that it seems like forever since I have heard from the Lord. Before I moved to Honduras, I was having regular conversations with Him. I heard him clearly and audibly. This year, I have heard from clearly from Him once (I have had confirmation about something, but only once has it been audible). It was a big thing, and something super important. But I haven’t had that clear reassurance from Him in a while. That is really hard for me. And tonight I realized that it is because I am not orienting my life in a way that I am allowing Christ to speak to me as freely as He wants to. I run to Him when I NEED to hear from Him, or I WANT to hear from Him. I am not in constant communication with Him.

                This year I have struggled with IBS (which is irritable bowel syndrome for those of you who don’t know). It is exhausting. It has caused anxiety in my life. It has caused exhaustion. It is just horrible. And it is draining. I feel like it consumes so much of me.  I don’t want this anymore. And if it is just my body or whatever, I don’t want to focus on it anymore. I was created to be whole, you were created to be whole. And even when there are sucky things in our lives, we can chose not to dwell on them. It is hard, I get that, I struggle with it too. I know though, that when I am dwelling on my struggles and issues, I am opening a door to let satan tell me every single lie that he can think of. I think of the story of Peter walking on the water in moments like this. God brought it to my mind this summer. Peter steps out in faith, trusting Jesus, and he is physically walking on water. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. But when he takes his eyes off Jesus, and starts to see the waves, when he DWELLS on the struggles around him, he begins to sink. When I take my eyes off of Jesus for one second, I start sinking. Life begins to overwhelm me. The father of lies begins to overtake my emotions and I dwell on them. All Peter does is reach out to Jesus. And that is where I am tonight. I am overwhelmed with a few different things, health things, emotional things, relationship things, and I am reaching out to Jesus.

                I know a few people read my blog posts every time I would write something, and if you are one of them who chooses to read, thank you. I use my blog to vent and to share my struggles and the conclusions I draw from them. I also use it for accountability. It’s not always peppy and upbeat, most times it is the opposite. I just feel that God has given me the gift of written communication and this is how I use it. Thank you for reading, I hope that something in this post was helpful for you! 

A letter to the friends who have changed me "for good"

There is a beautiful song called "For Good" that sings about friendship. My favorite line says, "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good." I have many friends who have changed me for good. And I am so blessed by each and everyone of them. I would like to take a moment to thank them.

Chances are that you know you have impacted my life because I like to tell you. I send you random texts at bizarre times and out of the blue thanking you or complimenting you on something that I appreciate about you. You probably know that you matter to me, because I try to tell you as often as I can without seeming like a crazy psycho lady. I really love you a lot.

Some of you are still in my life. And you play in active role day to day. Others of you have come and gone, and not in a bad way, sometimes life just takes us in a different direction and we move on. But that doesn't mean that I stopped loving you or caring about you. And when I see your posts on Facebook, it fills my heart with joy to see you doing well.

I want to thank you for listening to my tearful phone calls. Thank you for letting me complain for the millionth time. I want to thank you for the encouraging words on the days when life is just a little rough. I am blessed when you spend time with me, even if we aren't doing anything of significance. You put up with a lot of my craziness, and my times of stupid silliness, and that blesses my heart. Thank you for going along with my off the wall ideas, especially when they are spontaneous. Thank you for being a constant. And in this crazy selfish world, thank you for recognizing that friendship works both ways. Thank you for being honest with me, even when it hurts. I cannot tell you how much it means that you make me a priority. And when you text me first, well it just brightens my whole day.

You have taught me a lot. You have taught me that I can love someone in a way that I can not even describe. I have learned that I am a lot stronger than what I was giving myself credit for. You have let me be who I am, and when I am with you, I am 100% myself. You have showed me love, even when it may have been difficult to love me. Because of you, I have confidence. When I am with you, my heart is so full of joy that is feels like it might actually explode.

Family plays a big role in shaping us into who we are, but friends also play a role. I would not be who I am had it not been for each and everyone of you special people. Thank you for impacting my life and for being a part of this fantastic journey. I am so blessed.

You are deeply loved and so appreciated,
Charlotte Lainey

To the man I am going to marry

This is a letter to the man that I am going to marry, the one that I have been waiting for my whole life.

I don't know who you are. I don't know what your name is. I don't know where you live or where you work. But I do know one thing, I love, and have loved, you for a very long time. I started writing letters to you when I was 15, sitting in a science class and here I am...still writing you letters. Praying over you and wishing everyday that I meet you.

I normally keep these letter private. So I don't know why I decided to post one on my blog today. But you have been on my mind all week. I have been praying for you daily. I have been dreaming of our future and the wonderful adventures that we will go on together.

In my 21 years on this earth, I have seen really healthy marriages and really dysfunctional ones. I know what I want, and I know what I don't want. I do know that I want us to continually be surrendering our relationship, our marriage, over to Christ. I want us to seek His will and His plan each and every day. I want you to lead me, and our future family, in a loving, gracious and compassionate way. I want you to point us towards Christ.

I have no expectations meeting you, I know that you won't be prefect. Never have I thought that once I meet you my life will be all sunshine and rainbows like I see in fairytales. I know that you will not fix all of my problems. I don't expect you to sweep me off my feet. I am just excited to meet you. I am excited to learn about what makes you happy. I am anxious to participate in your hobbies. I can't wait to see what you are passionate about. I can't wait to love all of you.

Please know that I myself am in no way perfect. I have broken parts. I am not squeaky clean. I have made mistakes and I have regrets. But I know that I am forgiven, and I hope that you will be able to forgive me and see how Christ is rebuilding me.

One day, we will be together and I know that there will be such joy and happiness that comes with that. I can't wait to learn and grow with you. I am looking forward to the day that you and I will become parents and even grandparents. I am excited for all the adventuring that we will get to do together. But most importantly, I am anxious to meet the man that I have been waiting for all this time.

I love you now, and I always will.

Patiently Waiting,
Charlotte Lainey

Timing and Fathers and Other Stuff like Peace and Blessings

It has been a month since I have written something, I suppose that I have just had a lack on inspiration. Or motivation. I have heard it both ways. But tonight, after a late-evening milkshake run because sometimes you just need a milkshake, I feel inspired to write what is on my heart and my  mind. I am sure, in usually Charlotte fashion, this post will be all over the place and it might not make sense at all.

First, I want to talk about God's timing. I grew up hearing this phrase. You wait on "God's timing." And that is how I always viewed it, as waiting. But recently, I am finding that there is a lot more to God's timing than just waiting. Sometimes things happen in our life. Sometimes those things seem coincidental and we view them through worldly eyes and accept it. However, sometimes random things are actually not coincidental and it really is God's timing. I love that. I love that God works behind the scenes for us. I love how He plans and orchestrates our lives and gives us little blessings that we never knew we needed. God has been doing that a lot in my life recently. He has been giving me just what I need on His timing. I love it. It reminds me that I am not, even for one second, in control of my life. He is ultimately calling the shots.

Secondly, the last few weeks I have really been fixated on the roles that God plays in our lives. How do you view Him? Some people have this picture of Him being a judge, sitting high and lofty looking disapprovingly at the wrong in our lives. Some people see Him as a genie, a magical being who can grant wishes if we are a "good Christian" and we pray hard enough. Other people view Him as a friend, someone you could grab a coffee with and chat about whats going on in life.

I don't know how you view God. But I do know that the last few days, I have been fixated on the picture of God being my Father.

You know the song Good Father by Chris Tomlin? If you don't I think you should Google it. I cried the first time I heard that song. The idea of God being my Father is one that I grew up with, but it is always at the back of my mind. When I heard that song though, I just saw myself as this little girl, running into Daddy's arms and being held and snuggled with so much love. I love the picture this paints. I like to think of  Him protecting me, like I am His most prized possession. I like to think of Him dancing around a room with me, like my dad used to do when I was little. And when I think about fathers, I think about discipline too. It is the role of a father to lead their children    It was so beautiful. Our God is a Good Father. And He loves us unconditionally. It is actually a beautiful thing to think about.

Third, I am overwhelmed by Christ's peace. When I got home from Honduras, my entire body was pretty out of whack. This included my nervous system. I was anxious all the time, and I will admit that I still feel anxious a lot. But I love that even in those anxious moments, I feel God's peace. And when I need His peace, I just ask Him for it, and there it is, overwhelming me and consuming me. Our world is not a peaceful place. We live in a stressful, chaotic mess of a place. I love that God's perfect peace, His shalom, is able to overtake that stressful chaos in our lives.

And to close, I just want to tell you all how blessed I am. I just want to take a moment to praise the Lord. He has done wonderful things for me. He has healed me physically and emotionally. He has given me such joy and has placed people in my life who fill my heart with happiness. God is so good friends. And I hope that we are never once silent about how good he really is!

February 8th, 2016

                I didn’t fully understand myself growing up. Isn’t that true of most of us? I never really felt like I fit in. I hated high school. I kept to myself. I dreaded going every day. I couldn’t stand being around so many mean people. I was insecure and I was scared of what people thought of me every single day.

                I didn’t understand myself until July 2011. I had just had my first knee surgery. Only 2 weeks earlier, I had still been on crutches, hobbling around. I went to Honduras that summer. I climbed a mountain and I experienced Jesus in a way that I had never experienced Him before. I understood who I was and who God had created me to be. It was a wonderful feeling. I was crying and smiling most of the time. I had never felt that kind of joy and heartbreak all at once. It was a strange emotion.

                Let’s fast forward to my freshman year at Bethel. I had never been so happy in my life. God gave me the greatest friends. I felt free to be who I was around them. I didn’t feel insecure, and I didn’t feel lonely. I had never felt so happy in my entire life. It was a magical time of growing up, leaving home and feeling independent and on my own. It was an incredible feeling.

                And then two weeks into my second semester, I had a really bad dislocation. It was a dislocation that would lead to three knee surgeries in a year and a half. Once those surgeries started, I entered into a deep depression. I wish that I could explain it to you. I didn’t care anymore. There were times when I felt like I wasn’t even myself. I was so lonely. I had never felt such sadness. I wasn’t keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus. I was instead, setting them on myself. I was chasing after things that I thought would bring me happiness. I wasn’t myself, I was the ugliest opposite of who God had created me to be.

                Slowly, and painfully, I crawled out of that. God surrounded me with friends and family to lift me up and to shine bright again. And I decided to go to Honduras. It was an incredible week. I cried, I laughed, and I did the two at the same time. And God told me I would move there. There were a lot of people who told me that I never would. There was a lot of doubt, even in my own mind. I am not super independent, I don’t like to take risks, I am a planner and I like to be in control of what is going on. So to anyone from the outside, it really did look like I would never actually go through with the plan of moving to Honduras.

                But I did it. Or rather, God gave me the courage to do it. Now, I know that I was only there for two months, but I loved those two months. They were really hard, and I cried a lot and I wanted to give up. I wanted to come home so many days, but I knew that this is where God had me. I knew that I needed to be there. So I stayed, and I told myself that God was going to give me the strength to get through it.

                I was so confused when I got sick. I was more confused when I had to come home because I was sick. I was so scared of what everyone was going to say. I knew that so many people had invested into me. So many people were believing in me and they helped me to believe in myself. I had to come home though. I felt like something was wrong with me.

                And here I am. And I don’t know why I am typing this story today. I opened my computer with an entirely different idea in my head. I am a very emotional person. I feel things so deeply, both good and bad things. I understand myself. I understand that God gave me a heart that breaks so easily. He gave me a heart that feels such deep sadness for the world around me. He gave me a heart that loves more sincerely and more seriously than most peoples. He gave me such joy, unspeakable, and almost unexplainable joy. He has given me this gentle spirit and calm demeanor. And I could never understand why. I don’t understand why it hurt me so much when people joke around with me. I never understood why people’s words, whether good or bad, meant so much to me. And today I was reading in my Bible. Psalm 139. And it says that I am fearfully and WONDERFULLY made. And how true is that? I feel like there are so many of us who see all these “negatives” in our lives and think “well, if this was gone, I would be perfect…” or “if I had more of this is my life, I would be a better person.” It really just hit me that these are all lies. I believe far too often that something is wrong with me because I have a soft heart. I believe that I am dumb or stupid because God created my mind to run at a slower pace than some people. I have believed that I am not good enough because of where my depression lead me. And I have believed all these lies, even though I know that they aren’t true. And I am sure that there are others who are in the same boat as me.

                I don’t know why I am writing this post. I have no idea. I just know that God put this on my heart today and I felt like I needed to write it. I want to encourage you to think over your story. Where are you now? And where are you headed? We serve such an incredible God. If you can’t see how much progress He has made in your life, just pray and ask Him to reveal His truth to you.  God is really working on me. And I asked Him to. I don’t want to be where I was. I want to be where God wants me to be, who God wants me to be. I think this is a year for change, not just in my own life, but all around me. God wants to remake us into something beautiful. He wants to take out the lies that we believe, the insecurities that we hold on to, the pain of what has happened to us, and He wants to fill those spots with this love, joy, grace, peace, healing and mercy. I love that.

That’s all I have for today. I am still trying to develop this idea. 

You might be Charlotte if...(Part 3)

A few years ago, I was in the mood to make lists. Instead of typing my blog like an essay, I typed lists and I had my cousin read the lists and comment on them because that is what my favorite book character and her best friend did in the Princess Diaries series.... Anyways, I am back to wanting to make lists. And the two lists I made that had the most views were these two:

You might be Charlotte if...
and
You might be Charlotte if...(Part 2)

(you can read them:  http://thejoyfullittlecupcake.blogspot.com/2014/02/you-might-be-charlotte-if.html
http://thejoyfullittlecupcake.blogspot.com/2014/03/you-might-be-charlotte-ifpart-2.html)

So here you go friends, or stalkers, or whatever you want to call yourself... Here is a list of other ways for you to decide if you are anything like me...

1. For starters, you are watching a John Denver documentary right now while typing this post. Because... you really like to have a bunch of random knowledge in your head... also because John Denver has a nice voice and sweet songs about nature and being in nature and how pretty nature is and also about jet planes and leaving on them. (He died in a plane accident... how sad is that?)

2. You change your hair bi-weekly. Whether it is cutting it or coloring it... you find new things to do to your hair and you do it because taking risks is fun! Plus you don't really care if others like it or not because it makes you happy. And you have considered dying your hair with some Kool-Aid... it is dramatic... but less ghetto.

3. You prefer being called Charlotte... but so many people know you as Char and you are too nice and also too lazy to try and correct everyone. Plus you don't mind being called Char all that much.

4. You tell your friends how much they mean to you often. Not because you want to annoy them with your friendship but because you want them to know that they are so special to you. And because you really do have the greatest friends in the world. And words are the most important way that you express your love and stuff and things like such as.

5. Baking and cooking relax you... but only when you are in the mood to bake and cook. If someone gives you directions to "spur the moment," it can get a little stressful.

6. Sometimes you want to go everywhere and do everything and other days, you just want to sit and watch Netflix with your friends or family and drink tea and wear oversized sweatshirts.

7. Your love for, and dedication to, puzzles is real. And you aren't the best at them. But that is okay. You find something peaceful about something broken and in thousands of peaces being turned into something whole and beautiful. And several times you have thought about the parallel between puzzles and a relationship with Jesus... no shame.

8. You laugh at your own jokes even if other people aren't laughing. Especially when those jokes are puns because puns are without a doubt, the greatest jokes in the world and whoever invented them should win a prize.

9. Anytime you watch an epic movie such as... oh I don't know let's say "Lord of the Rings" or "Pirates of the Caribbean"...you get inspired to go out on an adventure... unfortunately for you, Indiana isn't exactly the most exciting place for adventure, so you just settle for going to Wal-Mart because that is kind of like an adventure... (PS I am looking for adventure...safe adventures with very low risks at the moment...  but like a little fear is okay or you would never leave your comfort zone)

10. You know, and believe that there is power in being yourself 100%... even when you are crazy... and you don't "fit in" (haha what does THAT even mean) and even if it means you might embarrass yourself... you are still the "real you" which is super fun. Seriously... it's tiring pretending to be someone you aren't. You wear your rainboots when there is no rain... and you don't go see movies just because "everyone is going to see it" and sometimes you walk around the grocery story humming "He's a Pirate" to make it more epic.

11. You tell people you are a criminal justice major and they give you a really strange look and then ask you what you want to do with that and you can't give them a real answer because at this point, you honestly have no idea. But that is okay... when you feel like you need to do something, you should do it. Even when it makes no sense to you or anyone. But also secretly if you could ever be a police officer, it would probably be the greatest thing ever... but you can't because you can't run, everything makes you cry and you are too nice.

12. You are super emotional for literally no reason at all. When you are happy you are "really, really, really happy" and when you are sad, you are "really sad." And sometimes you don't know what you are at all! But you think joy is the emotion you experience the most.

13. You are blessed beyond words. And you hope that you can be a blessing to those that you come into contact with. And also that you make people smile. And laugh. Because those are important.

The end.

Life Lessons with Charlotte

Reflecting tonight, I realized that I have learned a lot in the 21 years that I have awkwardly been stumbling around on planet Earth. Here is a list of what I know to be true.

1. If you have been awake for a long period of time, and you are exhausted, check your feet before you get into the shower or you may realize that you left your socks on and even though no one would ever have to know, it is still embarrassing.

2. Make new friends even when you think that you will have absolutely nothing in common... sometimes you become friends with someone three times your age and because you are both slightly off your rocker, it works and it's awesome.

3. When your mom says, "Are you sure you want to wear THOSE shoes to walk around in all day?" you should probably reconsider your footwear. What she really means is, "Those will kill your feet and I don't want to hear you complain about it all day. And they will kill your feet and then you won't be able to tell her and your ankle might start bleeding a little bit. It's better to go with her pick of shoes.

4. Being nice to people is rewarding. It makes you feel good. So even when someone is super mean to you, be nice to them. Because one day maybe they won't get sprinkles on top of their ice cream cone and you might get double and that is the greatest reward I can think of.

5. Being yourself is way more fun than pretending to be someone you are not... the only time this is not true is in the case of dressing up in costumes. For example, being Pirate Charlotte is way more fun than being Regular Charlotte. Arrrrrrr you with me?

6. Don't let anyone, for any reason, ever tell you that you aren't good enough. You are more than good enough. And you don't have to prove that to anyone. You might not always be the best, but you are the best "you" you can be. So keep that up.

7. There is never a bad time to quote your favorite movie, TV show, or song. Some people might not get it, but someone may get it and that might lead to an awesome conversation and you might become best friends and get matching tattoos or whatever.

8. Being an adult is a lot harder than it looks which is why keeping your childlike fun and creativity and wonder is super important. If you want to color in a coloring book while wearing a princess crown after a stressful day, do it! Because being a kid is fun sometimes. But being an adult is also fun because you can have ice cream for dinner anytime you want and no one can say anything about it because you are a real adult.

9. Some people just won't like you and there is nothing you can do about it. And that's really unfortunate but if they don't like you that is their loss. Just keep doing whatever it is you are doing.

10. Sometimes you might be ditzy and you aren't doing it to get attention, your brain just takes super long pauses and that is okay.

11. When you are cooking, and your pan of fried rice catches on fire, don't try and put out the fire with water... you will burn your arm and then drop the pan on the floor and burn a hole into your linoleum and it will be a reason your family will make fun of you for the rest of your life.

12. Just do what makes you happy, even if people around you don't understand it. And also do what Jesus tells you to do, even if people around you don't understand it. But don't try to fit in, and don't worry about doing what society tells you to do because living your life the way you think is best is super important. And God has a way of always being right about His plan for you life, so just remember that.

13. Always get enough sleep. If you are sleep deprived, life just gets harder. So make sure you sleep, lay down and rest, close your eyes and dream. People who don't get enough sleep are grumpy and who wants to be around a grumpy person? I don't.

14.  BE POSITIVE. Really, practice positivity! I have friends who are super negative and I have friends who are super positive and guess who I would rather spend time with. Life is short and it is too beautiful to be negative all the time. I don't really care how many things are going wrong, you are really blessed and you should focus on that. Seriously, be positive.

15. Live your life in service to others. Be the person that your friends want to come to when they need help. Shine Jesus in each area of your life and keep Him at the forefront of your mind.

16. It is okay to cry and anything and everything. I am a super emotional person. I cry when I am happy and when I am sad. I feel things very, very deeply. So if you are out in nature and you see a majestic forest animal looking all royal and stuff, it is okay to tear up a little bit. God makes beautiful things and crying a little bit is okay.

17. And this is the most important one, and I cannot stress this enough... Don't vote for Hilary Clinton.

The end.