Dwelling on the Waves

                It was cold and rainy tonight when I was leaving my boyfriend’s house. I got in my car, but instead of turning on music like I normally do, I decided to drive in silence. I don’t see the greatest at night and with the rainy and the wind, I wanted to devote all of my attention to driving.

                I was probably two miles from Sid’s house when I felt something very heavy over my heart. I began to pray. I prayed over my health, I prayed for mental clarity, I prayed that I would feel Jesus. I was on Jefferson, and I had just passed a gas station when I felt a tug at my heart again. This time it wasn’t heavy, it was peaceful. I sat in that feeling for a moment, wrestling with my inner thoughts and emotions.

                I feel so far from God. I don’t feel that I am living a life of sin, but I don’t think that I have organized my life in a way that says, “Yes Lord, You are first, You have complete control.” There is not one area of my life that I specifically put first, I just know that many times Christ is second. That is no way to live, my friends. There are moments when I feel the presence of God so strongly and I think to myself, “I wish it was like this all the time.” So why can’t it be?
                I was telling a friend tonight that it seems like forever since I have heard from the Lord. Before I moved to Honduras, I was having regular conversations with Him. I heard him clearly and audibly. This year, I have heard from clearly from Him once (I have had confirmation about something, but only once has it been audible). It was a big thing, and something super important. But I haven’t had that clear reassurance from Him in a while. That is really hard for me. And tonight I realized that it is because I am not orienting my life in a way that I am allowing Christ to speak to me as freely as He wants to. I run to Him when I NEED to hear from Him, or I WANT to hear from Him. I am not in constant communication with Him.

                This year I have struggled with IBS (which is irritable bowel syndrome for those of you who don’t know). It is exhausting. It has caused anxiety in my life. It has caused exhaustion. It is just horrible. And it is draining. I feel like it consumes so much of me.  I don’t want this anymore. And if it is just my body or whatever, I don’t want to focus on it anymore. I was created to be whole, you were created to be whole. And even when there are sucky things in our lives, we can chose not to dwell on them. It is hard, I get that, I struggle with it too. I know though, that when I am dwelling on my struggles and issues, I am opening a door to let satan tell me every single lie that he can think of. I think of the story of Peter walking on the water in moments like this. God brought it to my mind this summer. Peter steps out in faith, trusting Jesus, and he is physically walking on water. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. But when he takes his eyes off Jesus, and starts to see the waves, when he DWELLS on the struggles around him, he begins to sink. When I take my eyes off of Jesus for one second, I start sinking. Life begins to overwhelm me. The father of lies begins to overtake my emotions and I dwell on them. All Peter does is reach out to Jesus. And that is where I am tonight. I am overwhelmed with a few different things, health things, emotional things, relationship things, and I am reaching out to Jesus.

                I know a few people read my blog posts every time I would write something, and if you are one of them who chooses to read, thank you. I use my blog to vent and to share my struggles and the conclusions I draw from them. I also use it for accountability. It’s not always peppy and upbeat, most times it is the opposite. I just feel that God has given me the gift of written communication and this is how I use it. Thank you for reading, I hope that something in this post was helpful for you!