Honesty is the best policy

I believe in being transparent. I like to be an open book. I want to be honest. So this blog post is dedicated to honesty. I do not intend to sugarcoat and soften the way I am feeling. I do not want to staple a pretty bow to my problems to make them look less eerie. I want to be honest. I intend to open up my heart and share the truth that sits.

I hate not being able to be on my feet. I can not stand lounging in bed day after day because walking too much is a chore. I am bored out of my mind from staring at my iPods screen, then my TVs screen, then my computer screen. Not having your regular freedom sucks. Its been 9 weeks and I think I lost my brain somewhere around two. I know that this recovery is temporary, and I will soon be able to resume all my normal activity. My eyes have been open to the frustration that those who have no freedom because of pain or illness must feel. I can not imagine not living my entire life doing everythinng I want to do.

You know what else? I am lonely. I am seriously amd deeply without a shadow of a doubt lonely. I do mot say this to guilt any of my friends into coming to see me. Loneliness has been a constant struggle for me. There is no number of friends that could take that away. I don't know when the feeling of loneliness started, but I do know that Christ is the only one who can take that feeling away. I desire to have deep and meaningful relationships with people, and yet those relationships seem very far and few between. Being in bed though stirs up the feelings even more. Yes I have my family. Yes my friends come over, but there is still this unwavering deisre for companionship. And I do not believe that any human will be able to fill that. Maybe they can push the feeling to the. Back of my mind for a few moments, but in my deepest part of my heart there is a lonely whole.

Now this blog is not to complain or to show you how utterly negitive I can be. I always know that this time in my life is temprary. It too shall pass. One of my favorite worship lines says, "though the sorrow my last for the night, His joy comes in the morning." praise God for that promise.

So let me continue is my pursuit to be honest. I can not stand the flavor of nutella. Seriously. I have tried it like four times, and every time I just uhhh... I dom't even like the smell.

I have believed the lie that there is something wrong with me. I am talking about a legitimate something. Not the fact that I sleep with a spiderman blanket and color in Hello Kitty coloring books. No. Combine the loneliness and the temporarily dropping out of college, and the being completely broke thing, and you have yourself a reason to believe that there is something wrong with you. Well...yeah I am not so normal all the time, but I am a child of God, and He created me in His image. And it all hit me tonight. After I had a slight mental breakdown and cried about not going back to Bethel... There is nothing wrong with me. It would not matter if I was smarter and had gotten a ton of scholarships, Bethel still wouldn't feel right. It doesn't matter that I have no idea what I am going to do this year, they are not my plans anyways. It doesn't matter that I am flat broke, God gave me parents who are still willing to pay for me. I am not normal. There is something wrong with me. I have decided to break out of these social expectations to pursue what God has called me to do. That's not normal. I am not normal because I can not live my life in a classroom learning about my calling when I can actually be living my calling.

So here is another confession for you... I wish that I was going to Bethel this fall. I told my dad this, and he rightfully let out a sigh. I said "I want to go to Bethel." i think the sigh was because I kept changing my mind earlier this summer. Amd after His sigh I said, "but I know I can't because God doesn't want me to." It is so hard to follow God's plan. It is not rainbows and butterflies. I am chosing to walk down an unknown path that will contain uncertainty about money, there may be times of loneliness and possibly going to another country. And if i had gone back to Bethel, I could have taken out loans to cover the cost, and I would be surrounded by my best friends all the time so loneliness would be distant and I would be in a land that I am comfortable with. But going down the second path would leave a small voice in my head reminding me every step of the way that I wasn't listening to God.

My dad told me tonight to hang in there and my response was what else can I do. This is my calling. This is who God created me to be. And its really hard.

So honestly, I typed this entire blog for my own benefit. Who knows, maybe one day I can use it in a book. And honestly, my hair is so ugly tonight thanks to a bleaching experiement gone horribly wrong and I wish that I had my freedom to go to walmart to get some hair dye to fix it.

And honestly, I love it when songs fit where I am at in life. Tonight, I was reminded of a song that I listened to by ZoeGirl when I was younger. Its called Beautiful Name and I am adding my favorite lines here: Your heart I seek to find, with Your hands You've fashioned mine. Let me be used by You to carry truth. To the ends of the earth, til everyone's heard, my mended heart will share Your word. I will tell the world that You are God! I will run, i will fly. I will live to be a sacrifice. Through it all, I'll rise above, unafraid I'll face what comes. And for my faith, I'll live and die. I'll be strong, I will press on for the sake of Your Beautiful Name.

I do not think that this next year will be easy. I do not think that I will get it all together. I think that there are going to be really hard days. But I am learning to die to myself to receive the life that God had ordained before I was born.

Honestly, I am struggling. I am lonely and hurting. I know though that no amount of human help will fill the voids in my heart. Christ is the only one who can do that.

Honestly, I am blesses beyond words. I am loved. I am cared for.  I have a family supporting me 126%.

Honestly, I am in love with spiderman.... Not really I promise. But i know more about him than any normal 19 year old should know.
And honestly, If you read this all the way through, and you are not my father, thank you for taking the time to listen. And thank you daddy for giving me the push to have the courage to say what I needed to say.  

About me

I own five pairs of yoga pants and about 50 pairs of socks that are not white. I sleep with 8 to 10 pillows every and I cover up with a Spiderman blanket and cuddle a quilt my grandma made me. It takes me at least a half an hour to do my hair and makeup on any given Sunday. I drink my milk out of mugs because I like the way a mug feels in my hand. I consider myself a writer, but I have had writers block for 5 or 6 months. I wanted to hug my surgeon and knee doctor during the appointment before my surgery. I make my family wear props when we ply card games because it makes me laugh. Speaking of card games, I turn into a freak when my family plays games. I have a Panda pillow pet.

I will know be posting this as my about me on youmustlovedogsdating.com because Yes, it is a real website.

I am still not so normal

I was sitting in my grandma's living room today doing my devotions and I realized that I haven't posted a blog about why I am doing what I am doing. And as a sidenote, I am tying this on the iPad so please ignore any mistakes...

I announced this week that I would no be going back to Bethel. I have struggled with my decision this whole summer and I kept changing my mind.... I knew in the deepest part of my heart that Bethel can not fill the empty void that has been growing and growing for many months. I am tired of America. I am tired of the hustle and bustle and hurried life. I despies the selfish and lethargic ways of the church and society as a whole. I can not stand the noise the plagues every moment of our lives.

I graduated from high school and went to college like society expects. And being at Bethel was great. I did enjoy so much of my time there, but the last semester, God really spoke to me. I am restless. I need to move. I have a void that needs to be filled. My soul is thirsting for something more.

We are called to be a peculair people, a royal preisthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God. We are to declare the praise of the one who called us out of darkness and into a wonderful light (1 Peter 2:9)  I am not supposed to be normal. My life can not be lived reading a textbook about change. I can only fulfill my lifes calling by evoking change. I do not want to live a normal life. I want to be so different. I want to move and shake and change the world around me. I do not want my spiritual life be dependent on the things I hear in church hoping that one day, when i grow up, i can go into the world and make a change.

I am not going back to Bethel because it is not what God has called me to do. Some of you may disagree, but I do not believe that college is for everyone. You can be sucessful without going college. For me, my sucess will be the number of people I can share Christ's love with instead of the number of 0's i have behind my salary. I have every intention of working to support myself. I know that in taking this step of faith, God will meet me and supply everyone of my needs. It may not be in my time, but i have full confidence that God will take care of me. At this point, i have every intention of returning to school once I get a feel for ministry overseas.

So for those of you who will read this, please pray for me. Please pray that I can follow God's plan for my life even when I have no idea what that looks like. Please pray that God can use me. Please pray for the spiritually dead who desire a drink of life from our Saviour. And please pray that I can raise the funds to follow what God has called me to do.

Fighting

Today was quite possibly one of the hardest days that I have had since my surgery. I am not doing so well with pain, but I guess I have become the master at holding my emotions in until I am on the brink of exploding. There were many tears that I cried today and for many different reasons. It is so easy for me to get caught up in my little world of hurt and pain, and that little world often overtakes me. I suppose that as I have been recovering I chose to occupy my mind with other things. Of course I can say that I trust God, but I am not sure how many times I believe that. In my heart I know that of course God has a plan in every situation in life. He has a plan and a purpose for my future, but I guess that I have been deceiving myself. Lately I have been trying to figure out things on my own. I keep trying to tell myself that I got this. I keep trying to ignore the messages that God is sending to me and I have been trying to plan my own life.

I am so scared of what will happen after I get my brace off. I am scared of the world that I will face when I am healed. For so long, my knees have held me back from accomplishing the things that I want to do. Now that I will be healed, I can do those things and I am terrified.

Tonight though, after talking to a great friend, I had the most amazing vision. I saw the Lord dressed in armor, with His sword drawn, facing forward. Behind Him, I stood. Next to me stood a line of my family and my friends, who I call family. And behind that line, a multitude of people stood. For so long I have believed that the fight I am fighting is my own to fight. But I have some incredible people who are standing behind me and beside me, fighting with me. I have my Mom who sacrifices so much of her time to drive me to doctors appointments. She loves me even when I can't think straight and take my frustrations out on her. I have my Daddy who comes and plays Candy Crush with me on days that I feel lonely. And who uses his wonderful grilled cheese making skills to make me dinner. I have my sister who laughs with me and stays up late to watch Spiderman and the Pink Panther with me. I have my grandparents who pray for me and offer their Godly wisdom when I feel lost. I have Jess Hohulin who will forever be a sister to me and who shows up with pizza and just sits and talks to me. I have Kara who listens to me when I am trying to be funny and gets me an awesome birthday blanket that never leaves my side. And she also is coming over to stay a weekend with me. I have Joe who helps me realize that this will pass when I complain to him and who makes me laugh. I have Lauren Fahey who comes to watch movies with me and hugs me while I cry even though she has had a long day at work. I have my dog Lucy who will cuddle with me whenever I feel lonely. I have an entire church family who have come to visit, sat with me at church, brought us food, prayed for me and constantly bring smiles to my face. I have friends at Bethel who come to talk with me and celebrate my birthday with me.

So even in the times when I feel so alone, I am never truly alone. God has given me a community of brothers and sister who step up to help me fight the battles that lie ahead of me. I only hope that one day I can be standing next to them.

In my sadness though, Christ has been speaking to me, and I feel like I am being led in a new direction this upcoming year. I have struggled between His will, and my will, but as we all know, He will win. I will be withdrawing from Bethel College to pursue another direction. The call to missions is weighing so heavily on my heart, and I need to act. I intend to send my application into Youth With A Mission (YWAM). I will be applying to the YWAM base in Hawaii. This is not a way to run away from the responsibilities that I have towards my education, but rather running into the calling that God has laid on my heart since I was a young girl. I cannot imagine what He has in store for me. I may be accepted to YWAM or I may not. If I am not accepted, I will take the year off to work and grow in my faith. If I am, I guess I will call Hawaii home for a few weeks. Though I am totally unsure of my future, I know that God's hand will be with me, guiding me, to the places that He has already picked out for me.

I can choose to remain in the darkest and saddest part of my soul, or I can move into the bigger and brighter part of happiness. And though I have picked the first choice for a few weeks, I think it is time to step into the other option. I was not created to dwell in a place where satan can so easily lie to me and deceive me. I am created to live in the joy that Christ has given to me. I am created to be His daughter. I am choosing tonight to walk towards His light.

Isaiah 40:31 says... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
My hope is in the Lord. My strength is being renewed as I choose His plan instead of mine. 


(Also, if anybody knows of a family in need of a nanny starting in the fall, I am looking for a job as a nanny. Or if you know of any other sort of job that would be a good transition job for me, please let me know.)

To the ends of the Earth

Well I feel that it is time to update on my life. Though my day to day is rather boring, I have exciting long term plans. I discovered the Spiderman cartoons from 1967... yea I love them. Also I have been faithfully watching The Avengers cartoon and I really like it. So before I begin the deep side to this post, here is my list of favorite superheros, in order.

1. Spiderman (duh)
2. Captain America
2 1/2. Thor
3. Iron Man
4. The Hulk
5. Squirrel Girl... no i did not make her up. She had her own comic book and actually I don't like her, rather I like the concept.

Summer is in full swing now. I have bent my knee to 90 degrees, which is a super accomplishment and I am healing pretty well. My birthday is on Saturday and I get Oreo cake so um WOO HOO!

But on to what I really want to say... I think that I am being called into a wonderful ministry opportunity that I don't think I want to pass up. I love Bethel, and I had a wonderful experience there, but I feel as if God is asking me to take a leap of faith and take a step back from college and see what he has to offer me. I have been praying and seeking him and I think that I am going to go to a discipleship training program, probably through YWAM if they accept me. I am extremely scared. And please understand that not everything is set in stone!!

My plan from here is as followed... I intend to fully recover from my super great surgery. Once I am recovered, I will work my booty off to raise the money for the training program. (if anyone knows of a job, let me know!!) The discipleship training program starts in January and runs until June. I would pack my belongs and leave my pretty little house and head to an undisclosed tropical location.

So that is how I am feeling led. I still am waiting for 100% confirmation from God though!! PLEASE pray for me, that I will clearly know what God has for me!

And who knows, maybe His plan is for me to be right where I am for a while... or maybe he wants to send me to Disney World as a missionary... whatever it is I will be okay with it!!

On another note, my birthday is on SATURDAY and I am beyond excited... i already said that though.

also when I grow up, one room in my house will be spiderman... no seriously I already picked it out on pinterest.


All the love in the world,

Char

Beautiful Blog

As I was getting ready this morning, I realized that I have not updated my blog recently. I think this morning, God spoke to me and I know what I want to do with my life. I want to create an organization that helps young girls, teens and older women, that they are beautiful. (on the side I would like to run a house that helps women leave the world of sex trafficking and prostitution, but one thing at a time)

As I was thinking about this, I realized that I have never written a post about beauty. So here is my post about Beauty.

I love hair and makeup. There is rarely a time when I leave my house without having my hair styled, and having some makeup on, but I know that this does not define who I am. I think that society puts so much pressure on women to look a certain way and it is kind of disgusting. Kara and I were watching Toddlers and Tiaras the other day and the comments the mom's were making were sickening. They were saying things like, I want my daughter to know that pretty girls will go farther in life, I keep her on a diet so she can maintain her weight, I am overweight and I know that being pretty will get you farther in life.

One mom in particular, she was thin and tan and she had nice hair, but she said,"Beauty is so important. You have to be beautiful to survive in this society, you wouldn't convict a pretty girl of being a serial killer."

UM hold up lady! Why are there so many people that think you have to pretty to do stuff? I think that there is a way that you can present yourself in which your outward appearance reflects the person that you are on the inside.

Beauty is solely a matter of the heart. Society sets such a high standard on what is "beautiful." Half of the girls in magazines and on television are completely fake. How can there be this standard for beauty if literally no one can live up to that expectation?

I wish that I could send a message to every single girl and woman to tell them that beauty is more than the way you look. It does not come from a fake tan, a "perfect" body size or fake eyelashes. Beauty is what is in your heart. It is in your confidence, in the way you treat others, in the things that you think about yourself. No one has a right to tell you that you are not beautiful. Please don't believe the lies of society. Know that you are a daughter of the King. He did not mess up when He gave you brown hair, or a crooked smile, or a larger bone structure than someone else. You are perfect in His eyes. I know that we hear it a million times, You are beautiful. I used to hear it and roll my eyes thinking yea right, they are just saying that. But it really is true. God does not make mistakes.

Now I am on a mission to squish the lies that society has planted so deeply in the minds of our young girls. It took me a long time to accept that I was beautiful. I want other girls to come to that realization too.

This is me without makeup (besides the leftover eyeliner of the day before) 

 And this is me with both my hair and makeup done 

And I like both looks :) 

May. What a month.

Well here I am...two weeks into my recovery, and i might add that I am doing quite well. Except that I sometimes am bored beyond any logical explanation. I am on Season 2 of Psych and Season 6 of The Office (and off the record season 8 of My Little Pony...). And while my life has been mostly been spent staring at the television or the iPad... I have also spent a lot of time in the Bible. Specifically in Job.

Job was a book that I never really ever wanted to read because it's kind of depressing. This guy has everything. He has like a ton of farm animals and in todays society he would be like a millionaire. He has a bunch of kids and servants and land,the dude is loaded. And not only that, but his love for God was like crazy. So along comes satan, with a big bad attitude, thinking he is all that and he is like "God, let me mess with Job because I bet he will curse you." God is like, "Yea right, Job is my guy. He won't curse me. So do your worse, but don't kill him."

And satan does. He takes everything away from him and Job is left in a deep hole of sadness. He asks God questions and he curses the day he was born, but not once does he ever curse God for what happened.

So for those of you who are not really caught up on the Walterhouse life, the month of May has been completely crazy. We were planning my surgery for the 16th and we had scheduled it months in advance. Just a little over a week before my surgery we found out that my mother was pregnant. Which we all thought was totally crazy... believe me when I say that medically speaking, this would be a huge phenomenon. We found out on a Tuesday, Wednesday my parents went to the doctor to make sure this was serious and Thursday they found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy (the fetus was not where it should be and was no longer living). We really had no idea if it would affect my surgery date or what was going to happen. This was one of the most stressful weeks that I have ever experienced. (and for the record if she was pregnant and the baby had been healthy, I would have totally loved being an older sister again with a little baby in the family because how cool would that have been?!)

My mom has had a few treatments to remove the dead tissue caused by the ectopic pregnancy  and she is starting to slowly return to the point where she was. I had my surgery, stayed in the hospital for a day and have been home for two weeks tomorrow. During this time, my sister was also in a minor car accident (she, and everyone involved were fine besides some soreness). And life has been in general really stressful and difficult.

Reading in Job has really got me thinking. I am far from a billionaire and I don't have children, but this month has been really hard for my family, and it would be really easy for me to scream and yell and hate God for this. I know that God brings us through hard times, and I know that He is always walking through the hard times with us. I can never understand why we face the trials that we face. (and the Bible does say that in this world we are going to have trouble). Today though I accepted this crazy, hard and confusing month.

We have all received an abundance of help from our friends and family and I am truly thankful for each and everyone of you who have stayed with me, brought us food, stopped by to say hey and prayed for us. And though we can't really make sense of what God's plan is, we can all clearly see how he is working in the midst of us. We serve a powerful God whose plan is greater than anything that we could possibly understand. And just like Job, who walked through those hard times, we are still clinging to our Heavenly Father and trusting his will in our life.

My prayer for all of you today is that you can clearly see Christ in the midst of the hardships of life. I pray that He reveals Himself to you and that you understand that even walking through the hard and darkest times in life, He is beside you holding your hand and providing for you every step of the way.

So to end this, no I have not actually watched 8 seasons of My Little Pony. Yes, my mom is recovering. I am recovering as well, although I am still in a lot of pain. We love all of you who have supported us in this really hard time. And we named the baby Kairos which means God's time. One day I will get to meet the youngest member of the Walterhouse family in Heaven.