It Is Well With My Soul

Well it is midnight. I just wanted to let you know because it seems that I have the best inspiration at odd times of the day. I don't really have a point to this post... I am just going  to type until I feel better. I hope you all know that this would be my journal entry if I actually kept a journal... So you are all getting a tiny little glimpse into the heart of Charlotte Walterhouse.

To begin, I watched a super intense episode of Monk, and my brain is still trying to process what happened. It was really crazy.

I am crying tonight and I know that most of it is because I am still fairly heavily medicate. There is also a bit of sadness in my heart. I have a really hard time feeling sad. I don't like to be sad, so I bury the feeling down as deep as I can and I pretend that it doesn't exist. I do the same thing with anger, although I really never t feel super angry.

Anyways, with the sadness mixed with medicine,  I look a little bit like Tobey McGuire when he found out that Uncle Ben dies.

I mostly posted that picture for Kara Walterhouse because it is her favorite picture ever. 

I am sure that you all know about my knee recovery, and though it is going well, I am still struggling pretty badly. The doctor gave me a few options to think about for the next few days and hopefully I can figure out something that will work for me. 

I also feel really lost. I know that I am headed in the direction that God has laid out for me, but this time of waiting and deciding is really difficult. Its hard to know that all of my Bethel friends will be going back to school, and that I won't be there with them. Its also hard to be at the place of wanting to grow up and leave the house, but not having the resources or the strength to do things on my own. 

I don't understand the trials that I am facing. This time in my life is so confusing. On one hand, I want answers. I want to know what the hack is going on. On the other hand, I have never felt more blessed or supported than I do now. God never said that life was going to be easy, but I am so glad that he has given me people to walk through the trials with. 

I was listing to the song It Is Well With My Soul tonight, and I was so overcome with emotions. There is no storm, there is no trial, there is no heart ache or burden that I go through that God is not in the midst of. There is nothing that can tear me away from Him. 

My first instinct when things get hard, or when I get sad, or when I am confused, or when I feel so overwhelmed with life is to try and decide how far away I can run to get away from the feelings. I always think to myself, well if I was living in a mud hut in Africa things would be so much easier. Um JOKE. The thing about feelings and emotions is that they go with you where ever you go. I can never run away from my own problems. 

I feel like I should write something encouraging to make up for all of the sadness and confusion of the above post, but nothing is coming to mind tonight. SO I will just say this... if you feel overwhelmed with life, or you are struggling in confusion, just cling to Christ and carry on to the end. Because even when it feels like things will never be good, God always has a plan up His sleeve. I pray for all of you tonight. I pray that you are blessed beyond what you can imagine. I pray that Christ meets you in the hurting and confused areas of your life and reminds you that he is still near. 

I am in love

Allow me to set the stage for you tonight... It is 2:21 in the morning. I am on pain medicine. I should have been asleep hours ago, and yet here I sit on my iPad typing this post. My knee is currently killin me right now and I have no idea where this is going. I can't sleep though because I feel like God needed me to share something. This will probably be a longer post.

For those of you who do not know, I am a hopeless romantic. I love gushy, mushy, sappy romance. I believe that I will fall in love and when I do, I know that I will fall head over heels and be that girl that everyone wants to ignore because she is so happy all the time. I know that some love is a fairytale and I know that not every relationship is a Nicolas Sparks book.

But evem though I am a hopeless romantic, I am single and I always have been. I do not want to date for the sake of dating. I honestly believe that God will let me know when I have met my husband. I don't think that we need to date around and try and decide what we like in someone of the opposite sex. I don't think that I need to make out with a million guys before I meet my prince charming. I have no intention of sleeping with "frogs" to find out what I want I want in a husband. I do not want to walk down the isle and look into my husbands eyes and think "Oh yeah! He's gonne be number 21, I finally got it right." I don't want that.

I think that so many girls get caught up in dating and sleeping around because they don't know who they are. I think our world glamorizes sex and imprints in the minds of young girls that they need to have sex with their boyfriends to keep them. I think that excessive amounts of dating or "friendships with benefits" provides a skewed picture of what marriage is like. There is an easy out in a dating relationship. If I don't like something my boyfriend does, I can just break up with him and look for the next guy to hold hands with. It gives a false sense of how marriage works. I think divorce rates are so high because people don't want to work at their relationship so "breaking up" with a spouse is almost as easy as breaking up with a boyfriend. I do not understand dating.

I can say everything that I just said a million times, but somehow it took a while for it to sink in. I am going to be honest with you... I have wanted a boyfriend since like 6th grade. I would say that I have liked a ton of different guys. I got to a place though that I began to think that something was wrong with me because no one ever liked me back. In middle school, a guy asked me out as a joke as all of his friends stood around and laughed. From that point, I honestly believed that there was something wrong with me. I thought that no guy would ever like me. But I have come to a point in my life where I understand why it has never worked out with anyone before. None of those guys that I liked were the one that God had for me (and if one of them is, then obviously it just wasn't the right time, but I highly doubt that). I don't need to have a ton of boyfriends to test a guy out or to find quailities that I want in a husband. In all honesty, I have a pretty good idea of the kind of man I want based on certain quailties that I find in my friends. It's not always easy to be single or to wait patiently. In fact, sometimes it's really hard. There is a huge chhunk of my heart that is ready to get married and own a home and have babies, but I know that it is not my time yet. I simply have to wait.

I started doing something several years ago and it has helped me make it through the hard and lonely times that come with being single. For starters, I have a great group of friends who can act as my temporary "significant other." My friends are a huge help when I feel lonely. The other thing that I do is writing. I have a box and in that box, I have over 150 letters addressedto one person, my future husband. Obviously I have no idea who this man is, but I can tell you that I love him. Writing a letter and addressing it to someone that I know I will meet in the future has really helped me. I fill my letters with hopes and dreams for the future. I include scriptures and prayers that I pray over a man whom I have never met. I imclude lyrics to longs or quote from movies. I just write whatever I want. Some of them are really sappy and others are totally hilarious and boring. Love is a beautiful thing, but it is hard to have so much love and no one to share it with. I am already his, and he is mine. We just haven't met yet and we don't know each other, but God has us on reserve for one another. I wish that I could say being single is great and super easy, but for me, it is hard and it requires a lot of work to stay positive about everything. My deepest wish is to remain as single and as pure as possible until I meet the wonderful man that God has for me. And I can only pray that he is doing the same thing. I may meet him tomorrow, or I may meet him 10 years from now, but I am confident in the love story that God is writing for me and him.

And my love, if you are reading this, there is no way to describe how axious I am to meet you. I am waiting as patiently as I can.

Send me

God's timing is always perfect, and yet... I still can never grasp this fact. Sometimes I wish He was slower and sometime I wish that He was faster. I have been freaking out about the things that he has called me to do the past couple of weeks. Its scary. But tonight, I was talk to my dad who is n Honduras... and I have been looking at his pictures of adorable kids that He has met, and in hearing him and seeing him, God has reminded me that he has plans for me. The past two years when I haven't gone to Honduras, my heart has broken. My soul longs for the simplicity and disconnect from our crazy, fast paced society. My heart yearns to be with people who have nothing, and to learn from them.

I am grieving tonight because I wish that God could speed up time, or that he could invent a get-rich-quick machine so that I could be overseas, on a mission field.

I don't know how I am feeling tonight... I thought that as I typed I would have this great revelation. But here I sit, confused and frustrated. I am ready to go. Send me. But His still, ever present voice reminds me in my heart, I am preparing you... there will be a day.

Honesty is the best policy

I believe in being transparent. I like to be an open book. I want to be honest. So this blog post is dedicated to honesty. I do not intend to sugarcoat and soften the way I am feeling. I do not want to staple a pretty bow to my problems to make them look less eerie. I want to be honest. I intend to open up my heart and share the truth that sits.

I hate not being able to be on my feet. I can not stand lounging in bed day after day because walking too much is a chore. I am bored out of my mind from staring at my iPods screen, then my TVs screen, then my computer screen. Not having your regular freedom sucks. Its been 9 weeks and I think I lost my brain somewhere around two. I know that this recovery is temporary, and I will soon be able to resume all my normal activity. My eyes have been open to the frustration that those who have no freedom because of pain or illness must feel. I can not imagine not living my entire life doing everythinng I want to do.

You know what else? I am lonely. I am seriously amd deeply without a shadow of a doubt lonely. I do mot say this to guilt any of my friends into coming to see me. Loneliness has been a constant struggle for me. There is no number of friends that could take that away. I don't know when the feeling of loneliness started, but I do know that Christ is the only one who can take that feeling away. I desire to have deep and meaningful relationships with people, and yet those relationships seem very far and few between. Being in bed though stirs up the feelings even more. Yes I have my family. Yes my friends come over, but there is still this unwavering deisre for companionship. And I do not believe that any human will be able to fill that. Maybe they can push the feeling to the. Back of my mind for a few moments, but in my deepest part of my heart there is a lonely whole.

Now this blog is not to complain or to show you how utterly negitive I can be. I always know that this time in my life is temprary. It too shall pass. One of my favorite worship lines says, "though the sorrow my last for the night, His joy comes in the morning." praise God for that promise.

So let me continue is my pursuit to be honest. I can not stand the flavor of nutella. Seriously. I have tried it like four times, and every time I just uhhh... I dom't even like the smell.

I have believed the lie that there is something wrong with me. I am talking about a legitimate something. Not the fact that I sleep with a spiderman blanket and color in Hello Kitty coloring books. No. Combine the loneliness and the temporarily dropping out of college, and the being completely broke thing, and you have yourself a reason to believe that there is something wrong with you. Well...yeah I am not so normal all the time, but I am a child of God, and He created me in His image. And it all hit me tonight. After I had a slight mental breakdown and cried about not going back to Bethel... There is nothing wrong with me. It would not matter if I was smarter and had gotten a ton of scholarships, Bethel still wouldn't feel right. It doesn't matter that I have no idea what I am going to do this year, they are not my plans anyways. It doesn't matter that I am flat broke, God gave me parents who are still willing to pay for me. I am not normal. There is something wrong with me. I have decided to break out of these social expectations to pursue what God has called me to do. That's not normal. I am not normal because I can not live my life in a classroom learning about my calling when I can actually be living my calling.

So here is another confession for you... I wish that I was going to Bethel this fall. I told my dad this, and he rightfully let out a sigh. I said "I want to go to Bethel." i think the sigh was because I kept changing my mind earlier this summer. Amd after His sigh I said, "but I know I can't because God doesn't want me to." It is so hard to follow God's plan. It is not rainbows and butterflies. I am chosing to walk down an unknown path that will contain uncertainty about money, there may be times of loneliness and possibly going to another country. And if i had gone back to Bethel, I could have taken out loans to cover the cost, and I would be surrounded by my best friends all the time so loneliness would be distant and I would be in a land that I am comfortable with. But going down the second path would leave a small voice in my head reminding me every step of the way that I wasn't listening to God.

My dad told me tonight to hang in there and my response was what else can I do. This is my calling. This is who God created me to be. And its really hard.

So honestly, I typed this entire blog for my own benefit. Who knows, maybe one day I can use it in a book. And honestly, my hair is so ugly tonight thanks to a bleaching experiement gone horribly wrong and I wish that I had my freedom to go to walmart to get some hair dye to fix it.

And honestly, I love it when songs fit where I am at in life. Tonight, I was reminded of a song that I listened to by ZoeGirl when I was younger. Its called Beautiful Name and I am adding my favorite lines here: Your heart I seek to find, with Your hands You've fashioned mine. Let me be used by You to carry truth. To the ends of the earth, til everyone's heard, my mended heart will share Your word. I will tell the world that You are God! I will run, i will fly. I will live to be a sacrifice. Through it all, I'll rise above, unafraid I'll face what comes. And for my faith, I'll live and die. I'll be strong, I will press on for the sake of Your Beautiful Name.

I do not think that this next year will be easy. I do not think that I will get it all together. I think that there are going to be really hard days. But I am learning to die to myself to receive the life that God had ordained before I was born.

Honestly, I am struggling. I am lonely and hurting. I know though that no amount of human help will fill the voids in my heart. Christ is the only one who can do that.

Honestly, I am blesses beyond words. I am loved. I am cared for.  I have a family supporting me 126%.

Honestly, I am in love with spiderman.... Not really I promise. But i know more about him than any normal 19 year old should know.
And honestly, If you read this all the way through, and you are not my father, thank you for taking the time to listen. And thank you daddy for giving me the push to have the courage to say what I needed to say.  

About me

I own five pairs of yoga pants and about 50 pairs of socks that are not white. I sleep with 8 to 10 pillows every and I cover up with a Spiderman blanket and cuddle a quilt my grandma made me. It takes me at least a half an hour to do my hair and makeup on any given Sunday. I drink my milk out of mugs because I like the way a mug feels in my hand. I consider myself a writer, but I have had writers block for 5 or 6 months. I wanted to hug my surgeon and knee doctor during the appointment before my surgery. I make my family wear props when we ply card games because it makes me laugh. Speaking of card games, I turn into a freak when my family plays games. I have a Panda pillow pet.

I will know be posting this as my about me on youmustlovedogsdating.com because Yes, it is a real website.

I am still not so normal

I was sitting in my grandma's living room today doing my devotions and I realized that I haven't posted a blog about why I am doing what I am doing. And as a sidenote, I am tying this on the iPad so please ignore any mistakes...

I announced this week that I would no be going back to Bethel. I have struggled with my decision this whole summer and I kept changing my mind.... I knew in the deepest part of my heart that Bethel can not fill the empty void that has been growing and growing for many months. I am tired of America. I am tired of the hustle and bustle and hurried life. I despies the selfish and lethargic ways of the church and society as a whole. I can not stand the noise the plagues every moment of our lives.

I graduated from high school and went to college like society expects. And being at Bethel was great. I did enjoy so much of my time there, but the last semester, God really spoke to me. I am restless. I need to move. I have a void that needs to be filled. My soul is thirsting for something more.

We are called to be a peculair people, a royal preisthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God. We are to declare the praise of the one who called us out of darkness and into a wonderful light (1 Peter 2:9)  I am not supposed to be normal. My life can not be lived reading a textbook about change. I can only fulfill my lifes calling by evoking change. I do not want to live a normal life. I want to be so different. I want to move and shake and change the world around me. I do not want my spiritual life be dependent on the things I hear in church hoping that one day, when i grow up, i can go into the world and make a change.

I am not going back to Bethel because it is not what God has called me to do. Some of you may disagree, but I do not believe that college is for everyone. You can be sucessful without going college. For me, my sucess will be the number of people I can share Christ's love with instead of the number of 0's i have behind my salary. I have every intention of working to support myself. I know that in taking this step of faith, God will meet me and supply everyone of my needs. It may not be in my time, but i have full confidence that God will take care of me. At this point, i have every intention of returning to school once I get a feel for ministry overseas.

So for those of you who will read this, please pray for me. Please pray that I can follow God's plan for my life even when I have no idea what that looks like. Please pray that God can use me. Please pray for the spiritually dead who desire a drink of life from our Saviour. And please pray that I can raise the funds to follow what God has called me to do.

Fighting

Today was quite possibly one of the hardest days that I have had since my surgery. I am not doing so well with pain, but I guess I have become the master at holding my emotions in until I am on the brink of exploding. There were many tears that I cried today and for many different reasons. It is so easy for me to get caught up in my little world of hurt and pain, and that little world often overtakes me. I suppose that as I have been recovering I chose to occupy my mind with other things. Of course I can say that I trust God, but I am not sure how many times I believe that. In my heart I know that of course God has a plan in every situation in life. He has a plan and a purpose for my future, but I guess that I have been deceiving myself. Lately I have been trying to figure out things on my own. I keep trying to tell myself that I got this. I keep trying to ignore the messages that God is sending to me and I have been trying to plan my own life.

I am so scared of what will happen after I get my brace off. I am scared of the world that I will face when I am healed. For so long, my knees have held me back from accomplishing the things that I want to do. Now that I will be healed, I can do those things and I am terrified.

Tonight though, after talking to a great friend, I had the most amazing vision. I saw the Lord dressed in armor, with His sword drawn, facing forward. Behind Him, I stood. Next to me stood a line of my family and my friends, who I call family. And behind that line, a multitude of people stood. For so long I have believed that the fight I am fighting is my own to fight. But I have some incredible people who are standing behind me and beside me, fighting with me. I have my Mom who sacrifices so much of her time to drive me to doctors appointments. She loves me even when I can't think straight and take my frustrations out on her. I have my Daddy who comes and plays Candy Crush with me on days that I feel lonely. And who uses his wonderful grilled cheese making skills to make me dinner. I have my sister who laughs with me and stays up late to watch Spiderman and the Pink Panther with me. I have my grandparents who pray for me and offer their Godly wisdom when I feel lost. I have Jess Hohulin who will forever be a sister to me and who shows up with pizza and just sits and talks to me. I have Kara who listens to me when I am trying to be funny and gets me an awesome birthday blanket that never leaves my side. And she also is coming over to stay a weekend with me. I have Joe who helps me realize that this will pass when I complain to him and who makes me laugh. I have Lauren Fahey who comes to watch movies with me and hugs me while I cry even though she has had a long day at work. I have my dog Lucy who will cuddle with me whenever I feel lonely. I have an entire church family who have come to visit, sat with me at church, brought us food, prayed for me and constantly bring smiles to my face. I have friends at Bethel who come to talk with me and celebrate my birthday with me.

So even in the times when I feel so alone, I am never truly alone. God has given me a community of brothers and sister who step up to help me fight the battles that lie ahead of me. I only hope that one day I can be standing next to them.

In my sadness though, Christ has been speaking to me, and I feel like I am being led in a new direction this upcoming year. I have struggled between His will, and my will, but as we all know, He will win. I will be withdrawing from Bethel College to pursue another direction. The call to missions is weighing so heavily on my heart, and I need to act. I intend to send my application into Youth With A Mission (YWAM). I will be applying to the YWAM base in Hawaii. This is not a way to run away from the responsibilities that I have towards my education, but rather running into the calling that God has laid on my heart since I was a young girl. I cannot imagine what He has in store for me. I may be accepted to YWAM or I may not. If I am not accepted, I will take the year off to work and grow in my faith. If I am, I guess I will call Hawaii home for a few weeks. Though I am totally unsure of my future, I know that God's hand will be with me, guiding me, to the places that He has already picked out for me.

I can choose to remain in the darkest and saddest part of my soul, or I can move into the bigger and brighter part of happiness. And though I have picked the first choice for a few weeks, I think it is time to step into the other option. I was not created to dwell in a place where satan can so easily lie to me and deceive me. I am created to live in the joy that Christ has given to me. I am created to be His daughter. I am choosing tonight to walk towards His light.

Isaiah 40:31 says... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
My hope is in the Lord. My strength is being renewed as I choose His plan instead of mine. 


(Also, if anybody knows of a family in need of a nanny starting in the fall, I am looking for a job as a nanny. Or if you know of any other sort of job that would be a good transition job for me, please let me know.)