Beware of Christians

I watched a movie a few days entitled Beware of Christians and oh my goodness did it get me thinking.  Instead of typing my usual sob story of how much being in a cast sucks, I am going to share the insight that I gained after watching this movie. Here is the description of it to spark your interest and entice you to go and watch it: Four college students travel to Europe to escape their routine faith and gain a radically new perspective on following Jesus.

The movie opened with this quote, so I find it appropriate that I should too. Take a moment to let it sink in. 
The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable -Brennan Manning

I am tired of Christians. I am tired of belonging to a "brand" of humans who don't live up to the name. I am tired of being hypocritical. I am tired of standing in one place, when God has called me to go. I do not think that we understand what it means to be a Christian anymore, or maybe we do and we choose to ignore it. Being a Christian is one thing, being a follower of Christ is another. It is easy to say a small little prayer and ask Christ into our life. It is difficult to surrender that life completely over to Christ to let Him be our captain.  I believe with my whole heart that you are saved with you acknowledge that God sent His son Jesus to die for the sins of the world, and after He died, he rose and went back to Heaven until He one day returns to bring us home. I believe that being a follower of Christ is accepting that above statement, and devoting your life towards being like Jesus. 

As I watched the film, I became anxious and restless. I didn't just want to be watching, but rather living out the points that they made on the screen. The revelations that they came to were nothing new, but I think that we too often forget what it looks like to follow Christ. How can we lead others to Christ when we are selves are not living the way that He desires us to live?

Disney, Christmas and Monk

I haven't written in 15 days, this post is overdue. I don't really feel like updating you on how I am feeling. The cast is off. I will say that.


I am writing today's post for a few reasons. 1. I wanted to update you on my Disney watching adventure. 2. I want to tell you how excited I am for Christmas music and 3. I want to tell you how completely sad I am that MONK is over for me. So without further-a-do...

1. As some of you may now, I have made it a mission to watch every single Disney and Disney/PIXAR movie (with a few exceptions, such as Halloween movies and others). I will never reach this goal. Here is a link to all of the movies: http://www.disneymovieslist.com/disney-movies.asp
I thought that I had watched a lot of Disney movies, but as I look at the list, the ones I have watched was shorter than the ones I haven't watched, excluding sequels...because just no. I just want to watch the ones on Disney Scene It so that I can crush people.
 This week I did watch several Disney movies, and most of them I deem completely inappropriate for children. There is some pretty heavy stuff in these movies. I will admit that my heart was racing a few times. So I am giving you a short list of Disney movies that my children will not be allowed to watch, nor will I ever show to a child.  

1. The Fox and The Hound- what some view as a cute movie about friendship, I view as the director setting your heart up to be broken, multiple times... in the first 2 minutes and then the rest of the movie. I seriously wanted to cry and this is a cartoon, it is made up. I will not put my children through heart break that young.

2. The Great Mouse Detective- OKAY SERIOUSLY. I have some really strong feelings about this movie. I wanted to punch the screen. I had to turn it off at one point because I seriously was terrified. There is this creepy bat that has red eyes and a serial killer voice that jumps out and I kid you not, my heart stopped. I WILL NEVER LET A CHILD WATCH THIS MOVIE. It is not just the bat. The villain is a complete creep who gets even worse at the end when he literally looks like a crazed rat who could eat human flesh. The fat mouse gets drunk, there is death and a slutty little female mouse at the bar where there is a huge bar fight, and more drunken mouses (get over it, I don't like mice ;) see what I did there?) The Great Mouse detective is terrifying and it should be burned for forever.

3. Atlantis- while I enjoyed this movie, I feel there are some elements that may be unsuitable for children.

4. The Hunchback of Notre-Dame- if you think that my #2 reason is long, let me tell you a few things about this movie. 1. I know that it is a classic book, good for it. It should have remained a book. 2. I know that it is teaching children that it is what is on the inside that counts, and that's a good lesson and all, but seriously this adult book should not have been made into a children's movie. I really enjoyed it, and I found myself tearing up. There were parts of it that made me go awww and then there were parts of it that made me want to smash my television because I could not stand the corruption. I do not think that children could even understand the plot of the story, and maybe that isn't the point, but they didn't do a good job of turning a heavy book into a light and cheery children's movie. There were some parts of it that were just so demonic and then there were parts that were downright creepy. I recommend it for adults... never, ever, ever children though. Also if you want a song about how the body of Christ should truly be, listen to the song Esmeralda sings while she is in the Cathedral, seriously it is intense.

5. The Rescuers- I love the Rescuers Down Under, but the first movie was a tad disappointing, first off the villain is scarier than Cruella DeVil, and we all know that she is the devil in cartoon form. The Rescuers was just creepy. And a mouse gets drunk, and the villain dress provocatively.

Now that I have told you about the horrible movies I watched this week, I rewatched the Emperors New Groove, and I love that movie. Then I watched Kronk's New Groove and it was like 5 times funnier. So go with those movies, or Peter Pan if you want to watch a Disney movie.

Point 2- I watched the Christmas episode of Cake Boss and now I just want it to snow and I want to listen to Christmas music all day and watch Christmas movies every weekend. But also, fall just began and I love fall, so I don't want to rush it out the door.

Point 3- My mom and I began to watch Monk this season, and today closed that chapter. To begin, I have never been a fan of crime shows, but I really liked Monk. Like I loved Monk. I cried, I laughed and I fell in love with Dandy Disher who is literally my new fictionally boyfriend! (sorry Peter Pan) I really enjoyed the series and I was really sad when it was all over. I honestly can say that it is one of my favorite shows. You know when you watch the final episode of FRIENDS and the door closes on the last scene and a little part of your heart breaks inside... that is what happened to my heart today. Monk was a great summer series.

So that concludes my blog. I went to a wedding today for a friend, who is more like my sister and it was wonderful, then I finished Monk, whined about my pain a lot, took my first online History test and watched Whose Line Is It Anyways. I am a tired girl tonight. I had a hard day, and I won't be going to church because of the pain. So Hello to all of my lovely RiverValley friends!! Praise Jesus extra hard for me ;) Just kidding, He and I will have some praise time tomorrow :) Thanks for checking out my blog and feel free to ask me my opinions on anything Disney, actually on anything at all :) I'm bored! Goodnight!

Trips in the Ambulance like rides at the County Fair

Wow guys. What a week it has been. COMPLETELY CRAZY!!! And I am exhausted. I wanted to fill you in on all of the little details. Though I have given large chunks of the story on Facebook, there are still quite a few holes.

I want to first begin by wishing good luck to all of my Bethel friends who started back to school! I hope that you all have an incredible week.

I also wanted to thank everyone who has come to visit, sent me messages to let me know they are praying, and everyone who is praying for us.

This summer has been completely difficult and there are times when I act like this is just life, and that everything will be okay. But I have struggled this whole summer trying to make sense of how God could even let this happen. I get really frustrated and alone. It hurts when people say they will come to see you, and they never do... it hurts to feel alone, but feel too sick to be with people. It has been frustrating.

Lets start on Tuesday morning. I went in to the hospital expecting that the doctor would be doing a minor procedure to fix my knee cap from still dislocating. Everything went fine. The got my IV in and even though the nerve block hurt like crazy, they eventually were able to completely numb my leg.

I woke up with a sore throat and I remember thinking, Man, my leg is extremely stiff. I looked down and there was a cast. To be honest, I really didn't think a whole lot about it because I was so out of it. I laid in the recovery room trying to wake up for a little over an hour. My surgeon came in and explained that the screw from my previous surgery had ended up cracking my tibia, and he had me in the cast to prevent my knee cap from slipping. They were pumping pain meds into me, but they weren't doing a whole bunch. You have to stay in recovery for 20 minutes after your last dose of pain medicine and I just wanted out of there, so I told her to stop and she moved me into the out patient hospital room. I was feeling fine. I got up to use the bathroom, I changed from the awful gown into my close and I ate some crackers. I really wasn't having a lot of pain. They said I could go home, but we had to wait for my wheelchair to be delivered. As soon as it had come and I had finished eating my dinner, I went home. It was around 6ish when we left the hospital. We stopped by my house for a few moments to pick up everything that I would need at my grandma's. I had planned to stay with her for the week because my mother still had school.

We got to my nanny's house and I got in pretty easily. I was making jokes with my family and eating normally. My mom stayed with me through the night so that she could wake me up to get me my pain medicine every two hours. I was on Norco, which is Vicodin, and Tramadol, which is a mild pain medicine that focuses on joint pain relief.  I have been on Tramadol since February and Norco since my surgery in May.

It was 4:30 when everything decided to go haywire. I think that my nerve block, which had done so well at keeping my pain at bay, had finally decided to wear off. The pain hit me so hard. There is nothing that I can compare it too, it was literally that bad. I laid in bed whining and crying for a half an hour, and then I decided to get up to use the bathroom. Before I even made it out of bed I began to throw up. I waited for a few minuted before trying again. Slowly I made it to the toilet, about 10 feet, if that, away from the bed. Then I got really pale, I thought I was going to pass out, the pain in my leg increased more, which I didn't think was possible, and I started to hyperventilate. Friends, if there was ever a time that I thought I was going to die, it was this time. I literally thought there is no way that I can handle this. I am going to die on the toilet. Like Elvis. My mom decided then that she wanted to call the ambulance to get me back into the hospital. It was around 6ish in the morning.

We waited for a while for them to show up, they put me on the stretcher and I am pretty sure that I was pretty much crying hysterically, but the medics were really nice. They got me into the back of the truck, and though you may think it is slightly more comfortable in there because its a mini hospital on wheels, you would be wrong. It was bumpy. And we had to go from South Bend to Elkhart General. They can not give you pain medicine and the ride is so cold that you feel you are in the arctic. I sat with a man who asked me tong of questions and kept checking my pulse and my blood pressure, which was super low from almost passing out.

As soon as we got to the hospital, and they had moved me into bed, I began to throw up again. It took them a while to get the IV in and order the medicine to take the pain down. It was a really hard time. Really really hard.

After they had put in the medicine, I began to relax. The pain had not subsided. She gave me two more doses. She also informed my dad and I that most people would have been knocked out with the first dose. Yea... didn't work so much for me.

Around noon they moved me up to a room in post op. I stayed there for two days and two nights. Nothing super exciting happened. I cried a lot, I was on a drip that was stronger than morphine, I had great nurses and I hardly slept. My mom stayed with me part of the first night, and Claire came to stay with my the second night.

I left around 2 on Friday and moved back to my grandma's house. That night while my mom and I were moving my knee cap had slipped a little bit, which may just be my leg adjusting to the surgery. That caused a lot  of pain though. So now I am at home. On a scale of 1 to 10, my pain still sits at a 10. I might just have to suck it up for a few weeks.

I am still just praising God that there will be a day when there is no more pain. There will be no more tears. No more mourning or crying. Praise God for that promise. I have tried this entire time to put on a smile face and tell everyone I am okay. I am not though. Its hard for me because I want to be positive all the time, and right now I just can't be. But this will pass.

My dear friend Garry Beckett shared a word that the Lord had spoken to him for me. He said that I need to go through this to be able to do the things God has called me to in the future. I am clinging to that. There is a purpose. I do not understand, and they way is lonely, and sad and dreary, but one day sun will shine on my life and this will all be a distant memory. Thank you for your prayers!!

The title of my blog is lyrics from a song I listened to as a child. The ambulance sucked haha. Also, since I like to post picture of my makeup, and my hair and stuff in these blogs, here is how crappy I looked in the hospital :) enjoy the au natural:

10,000 Reasons III

I know that I have been complaining a lot lately about my hard summer. I know that it wasn't exactly a happy thing to read. What can I say?! Free therapy.

But I don't want to complain tonight. My life is too wonderful. Despite the obvious reasons to be sad, God has given me so many wonderful blessings. So here I continue my list of 10,000 reasons to bless the Lord.

26. God's Protection
This week, I have almost been hit 5 times by a car this week. And I can not honk my horn for whatever reason. And please believe me when I say that none of them were my fault. But God is so much greater. God's protection is wonderful. I am so thankful for that.

27. My puppy
I didn't really used to care all that much for  my dog because she would bite me really hard when we played. She has gotten older now and she sleeps in my room every night. Even though she waked me up at 2 in the morning trying to get comfortable in her little doggie bed, I am thankful that I have a doggie to cuddle with and snuggle with.

28. Worship music
I always feel so incredible after singing praise to our God. I love to express my love to my Savior by lifting my voice. Sometimes songs can capture the exact way that you are feeling. I feel so connected to Christ when I am listening to uplifting and powerful worship music.

29. My surgeon
Now it may not be normal to thank God for putting someone on earth who has cut you open twice and is going back for another round. I am really blessed to have the surgeon that I have. Dr. Smucker is one of the most caring health professionals that I have ever met. When I went to schedule my surgery this week, I was by myself. I think he knew that I was pretty freaked out because he helped me get to the place where I needed to be, and he took extra time explaining what he was going to do. And while I wish that I was not having another surgery, I am thankful that he is the one doing it.

30. My health
It seems kind of crazy to say after the whole surgery thing, but I am so thankful that I am healthy. Knees can be fixed, and though it takes a while, and the chance of having pain free knees for the rest of my life is slim, I am thankful that I do not have something more serious. The fact is, I am going to live. I will recover one day. My heart breaks for those who live in constant pain. I hurt for those who will never know how it feels to recover from something. My pain is temporary, and aside from my genetically messed up legs, I am in good health.

31. The future
I am thankful that God has a future for me. I was complaining earlier because I didn't understand why God had asked me to take a huge leap of faith and quit school. But even though I cannot see the end of the road, I am walking in the direction of a bright and beautiful future perfectly designed by God, for me. Praise Jesus for that.

32-like 36ish. The women that Christ has placed in my life
I am so thankful for all of the Godly women who check up on me every time I see them. I am thankful for Louise Melander who hugs me every Sunday and asks me how I am doing, and reminds me that God has a plan. I am thankful for Gwen Trim who is more like a member of my family. She has done so much for me and she reminds me every time she sees me that she is praying for me. I am thankful for Mrs. Janet Fahey because not only is she the mother of my best friend, but she has prayed over me, she has listened to me, she has been concerned about me and she wants to be in "the know" about the happenings of my life. I am thankful for Stephanie Johnson who has stood by me since my freshman year of high school. And countless other women at Rivervalley.

37. Sleep
I haven't been on pain medicine this week in preparation for Tuesday and it has kept me awake at night. I am so thankful for the sleep that I get. It is so refreshing to wake up and not be tired. I love sleep. Thank God for rest!!

And I am going to stop there tonight, on an odd and totally obscure number. No matter how bad things get in life, there is always so much to be thankful for. I could not begin to count the number of ways that God has blessed me. Maybe this whole situation is not just me "getting hurt again" like I have heard so many times. I still view this as a spiritual refining process that I am undergoing. Good night my dear readers, find something wonderful to bless the Lord for today.

Suddenly

Today I was driving around the movie theater, waiting for Claire to come out. While I was driving, I had my iPod on shuffle and a song that I haven't listened to in a really long time. As I was listening to the song, I realized that I could relate with so many of the words. I wanted to share my thoughts and my feelings. So here is Suddenly by Superchick. 

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she's making might be taking her to who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

She feels locked in her own life 
Scared of what she might lose
If she moves away from who she was
And she's afraid of being free
There's a way she knows is right
And she can't feel the things she knows and so each step she's taking
Is a step of faith towards who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear
And the light is farthest back 
And through her tears
She can see the dawn 
Its coming skies will clear
And the light will find her where she's always been

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here


I highlighted the lines that stuck out the most to me. You see I am really good at feeling sorry for myself. Earlier this year when I decided not to go back to college, I thought that I was making the right choice. I knew in my heart that this is what I needed to do. But now, all my friends are going back. They will be starting a new chapter of their lives, and making new friends and new memories. I won't get to be there with them. It hard to have a picture of what your life is going to be like, and then watch that picture slowly fade and there is a new image emerging. I feel lost. I feel stuck. After weeks of recovery from one surgery, I have to start over with this upcoming surgery. I have no money, I have no community of people my age to be with right now and I might not have a job after my surgery. Things are a little bit out of control. And even though I know there is no possible way that I could afford to go back to college right now, I just have to ask God, what's the plan.

That feels like a question I have wrestled with and struggled with my whole summer. Maybe my whole life. What's the plan God? I know that he has one, I do not doubt it, but right now I feel like I am stuck and lost, waiting for this path to magically open up with a clear arrow that says my name.

But like the girl in the song, I always see that I am where I am supposed to be. After tears, and crying and pain, I am here where God wants me to be. And he has placed those dreams in my heart. They feel within arm's lengths, but every time I reach out to touch them, they slowly pull back farther and farther.

I am sorry that this isn't one of my happy posts. I have been feeling really down right now. But this is only the world. I know that there are better things ahead. I know that this surgery is only a minor set back, and that in a few weeks I will be better. But after you go through so much hard stuff, it gets more and more difficult to see the good stuff ahead. I need my friends the next few weeks. I need texts and calls and visits. I need laughter and happiness. I need God's strength to carry me, because on my own, I know that I am going to fail.

Suddenly, I am where I'm supposed to be. After all the tears, I'm supposed to be here.

Surgery 2

I am having surgery. I am having surgery in 6 days. That is less than a week. And I am freaking out. I wish that I could tell you that I am totally okay with this. I wish there was a way to be super positive, but I honestly just can't be right now. I know that I am blessed, and there are people who are in far worse conditions... but right now, I just want to be sad. So while I am being sad, here is some happy things about me :) and I would love to hear your answers. Also, please come visit me after surgery. I get bored and lonely.

List five things you want to do before you die? Travel to Ireland with the love of my life. Write a book. Have several children, or adopt a few. Sleep in an aquarium room, or the hotel under the sea. Buy an old bus, replace the seats with beds and travel the country with my best friends.

If you won the lottery, what would you buy? My dream house and James Franco to be my personal assistant. I would buy another huge house and stock it with clothes, shoes and make up and open a house to women leaving prostitution.

Starting School

OH MY GOODNESS YOU GUYS... I have listened to the song 22 by Taylor Swift a million and a half times in the last week. I usually don't like her, but I love this song. Its so perfect.

I just wanted to give you an update about the first day of school for Claire and I!!!

We got up really early compared to sleeping in until 10 and 11 everyday this summer. My mom got me up at 7:30 this morning. I didn't even know there was a 7:30 in the morning!!! It turns out there is one. And I only had my mom wake me up because alarm clocks give me mini heart attacks and then I get out of bed and my stomach feels nervous and then I don't feel real good. But we got ready and we looked super cute because we wanted to make a good impression. Then we loaded into my little Bug, realized that we forgot our water bottles, so we got them and pulled out of our driveway.

On the way to school, we waited on hold, on my phone, for about five minutes, we waited for a train and we listened to approximately two complete songs because of telephone conversations. We did not get lost whilst on our way to Ivy Tech. Which was super good because sometimes I am really bad with directions. We drove around the parking lot for a few moments, saw where all the "cool kids" hang out to smoke, prayed together and found a nifty little parking space. We walked up to my classroom together, and Claire went on from there. She did not want me to hug her.

Ivy Tech is different from Bethel by about a million and one things. First off, I love the idea of cheap education. Ivy Tech is really good in that aspect. My teacher really enjoyed cussing in front of the class and making crude jokes. I suppose that when you are teaching psychology, these things are acceptable. He was very rude, but I guess he was funny because the class was laughing at what he said. I thought he was being unprofessional. The girl next to me kept rolling her eyes and asking if we were in high school, and she got really frustrated every time the teacher said we needed to read the book, do online quizzes and assignments. Maybe she doesn't understand that college is actually work. She seemed grumpy to be there and her fake eyelashes were not glued on properly.

I sat through the entire class listening to the teacher explain that he does not take excuses, that he will not pretend that some stuff in the book is boring, that he cannot help one student without doing the same for everybody else and he said about 50 times that he will never actually care about us as students. Needless to say, I am no longer enrolled in psychology. Now I am just taking an online History class. I know, I shouldn't strain myself ;)

I am glad though that I have the opportunity to spend 30 minutes with my sister every day driving her to school. She is awesome. She had a good first day of college. Mostly her classes have to do with interior design. I think that she will do great.

I also met with the family that I am going to nanny for this year. They are really sweet. I think that I will enjoy it so much!

There are many promising things in the year ahead, and there is also a lot of uncertainty and fear that comes with growing up and deciding how to live my life.

Its a good day to be alive.