Wow. I have not posted in a long time, I just haven't had any inspiration lately. I feel inspired tonight. I feel inspired to talk about Christ and how thankful I am for His love and His grace.
I was listening to the song You Never Let Go by Chris Tomlin tonight, and I have to be honest... there are times when I feel like this song is just super cliche. Everyone wants to sing it. All the time. As I listened to it tonight though, I was really struck by the words. How wonderful is it that God never lets go? He is holding up no matter how messy and terrible our lives get. He is holding us in the good and the bad. When you stop and think of that, it is kind of incredible.
I also thought about how fake I have been recently. Maybe not so much fake as I was apathetic. Like I just really didn't care. I wanted to live my life the way that I wanted to live my life. I have really been wrestling with everything that my family has been through this year. I do not blame God for it, He has a purpose in everything, but at the same time, I was still pretty mad and irritated. It is discouraging to feel like life makes absolutely no sense. I have really had a hard time with it. As I was wrestling with this, I decided that I could just do my own thing. Christ was not the main thing in my life. I feel like I sound like a broken record. Why is it so easy for me to get caught up in my own world? I never understand. I have been taught this lesson time and time again. Doing my own thing never leads to anything good in my life. Ever. And yet every once and a while I decide to try it again, hoping that I am wiser and maybe this time, I can make my plans work. They still don't.
I really don't want to be a lukewarm Christian. I get so fed up with myself. Every fiber of my being desires to be sold out, living only for His glory. The other day in church we were singing a song about God being all we need, that He satisfies all of our needs and I had to stop singing because those words didn't feel real to me. I know in my head that He is all I will ever need, but my heart always has a hard time believing that.
So tonight, I am thankful for His never ending grace. I am thankful that when I run into my own little world, God still loves me and He is just waiting for me to come back. And when I come back, He is always waiting with His arms of love wide open. And I can crawl into them and be like Buddy the Elf and sing "I'm here with my dad, I'm here now. I found you, daddy. And guess what? I love you, I love you, I love you"
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Thoughts by Char... How Spooky
So I haven't written in a while. I suppose that it is time to have a melting pot of my thoughts because I have a lot of them recently.
First off, tomorrow is Hello Kitty's birthday and we all understand how much I love hello kitty, so happy birthday to her.
Secondly, I am so happy to be back home. I had a wonderful time in California, but I love being at home with my family and back into the familiar routine of my normal life. I have started to look for jobs everywhere and I have put my resume out and filled out applications like crazy. I have also been filling out scholarship applications and deciding what I am going to do next semester.
When I am not looking for a job, I listen to a lot of music and watch a lot of crime shows, because that's how I roll. I currently love the songs Just Give Me a Reason, Marry Me by Jason Derulo (and everything by him pretty much lol) I really like the show Police Women of any and every city and I like shows about game wardens. I really live a terribly exciting life.
I do not think that there is a whole lot that I want to say tonight. I am busy, but at the same time I have a ton of time to myself. I really am enjoying this time in my life. I am ready for what God has for me in the future though. I also started a new blog! Which I will be updating next! I pray this post finds you well and that you are living in happiness and the love of Christ.
First off, tomorrow is Hello Kitty's birthday and we all understand how much I love hello kitty, so happy birthday to her.
Secondly, I am so happy to be back home. I had a wonderful time in California, but I love being at home with my family and back into the familiar routine of my normal life. I have started to look for jobs everywhere and I have put my resume out and filled out applications like crazy. I have also been filling out scholarship applications and deciding what I am going to do next semester.
When I am not looking for a job, I listen to a lot of music and watch a lot of crime shows, because that's how I roll. I currently love the songs Just Give Me a Reason, Marry Me by Jason Derulo (and everything by him pretty much lol) I really like the show Police Women of any and every city and I like shows about game wardens. I really live a terribly exciting life.
I do not think that there is a whole lot that I want to say tonight. I am busy, but at the same time I have a ton of time to myself. I really am enjoying this time in my life. I am ready for what God has for me in the future though. I also started a new blog! Which I will be updating next! I pray this post finds you well and that you are living in happiness and the love of Christ.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
California BABY!!!! and other news about my life
So I figured that it is time to update my wonderful readers! I am leaving for California in 2 days!! I fly out on Thursday and I come back the following Friday! I am beyond excited for my trip! It gave me something to look forward to after this bummer of a summer. But I won't talk any more about that, because I have bigger news!!
After hearing a lot of different suggestions about which YWAM I should look into and after praying about it, I have finally picked a location! In the Spring of 2015, I will be traveling down to Kauai, Hawaii for YWAM's Discipleship Training School. This specific location if focused on Mercy and Evangelism, which are two of my biggest Spiritual gifts. This location also goes overseas to help organizations who deal with prostitution recovery and human trafficking. It literally has everything I was looking for! Now begins the process of raising money for everything. I will be gone for 7 months and with fees and everything, I will need about $8000. Its a crazy amount, but God called me to this, and I know that He will provide.
In other news, I am doing okay with recovery. My pain has spiked back up again, which is not good, but it is all a part of the process. I have been hopeful these past few weeks about what God has in store for me and where He is leading me. I am eager to begin my adult life!
After hearing a lot of different suggestions about which YWAM I should look into and after praying about it, I have finally picked a location! In the Spring of 2015, I will be traveling down to Kauai, Hawaii for YWAM's Discipleship Training School. This specific location if focused on Mercy and Evangelism, which are two of my biggest Spiritual gifts. This location also goes overseas to help organizations who deal with prostitution recovery and human trafficking. It literally has everything I was looking for! Now begins the process of raising money for everything. I will be gone for 7 months and with fees and everything, I will need about $8000. Its a crazy amount, but God called me to this, and I know that He will provide.
In other news, I am doing okay with recovery. My pain has spiked back up again, which is not good, but it is all a part of the process. I have been hopeful these past few weeks about what God has in store for me and where He is leading me. I am eager to begin my adult life!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Worship Music and Wednesday night thoughts
I really enjoy worship music. I love the lyrical way that a picture is painted. That picture so beautifully reflects who Christ is.
When I was younger, we would sing the song Better Is One Day. The chorus says: Better is one day in Your courts, better is one day in Your house, better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere. And in my little 8 year old mind, I thought that the words didn't make sense. I thought that there could be nothing greater than spending a thousand days at Disneyland. The song never made sense to me until I sang it a few years ago and I was overwhelmed by how true those words were. I cannot imagine being in the presence of the Lord for even a few moments. There would be nothing in this world that could compare to that.
I feel like my life has been void of powerful encounters with God lately. Last year I went to chapel three times a week, and some Tuesday nights I would go to a church service, and I went to church on Sundays. Almost everyday I had the opportunity to worship with a community of believers. I am not saying that I can't worship now on my own, but there is something so powerful that happens when you are singing praises to the Creator of the World surrounded by your friends and family. It is in that time that I can clearly see the face of God and I can hear His words and I can feel His presence. I miss that so much. I miss the wonderful experience of worshiping with other believers.
I am still unsure how God is going to use me, but I have no doubt that it is going to be soon, and I know that it is going to be in ways that I can't imagine. And until that day comes, I am going to do what Elsa the Honduran woman told me to do and I am going to worship him, worship him, worship him.
When I was younger, we would sing the song Better Is One Day. The chorus says: Better is one day in Your courts, better is one day in Your house, better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere. And in my little 8 year old mind, I thought that the words didn't make sense. I thought that there could be nothing greater than spending a thousand days at Disneyland. The song never made sense to me until I sang it a few years ago and I was overwhelmed by how true those words were. I cannot imagine being in the presence of the Lord for even a few moments. There would be nothing in this world that could compare to that.
I feel like my life has been void of powerful encounters with God lately. Last year I went to chapel three times a week, and some Tuesday nights I would go to a church service, and I went to church on Sundays. Almost everyday I had the opportunity to worship with a community of believers. I am not saying that I can't worship now on my own, but there is something so powerful that happens when you are singing praises to the Creator of the World surrounded by your friends and family. It is in that time that I can clearly see the face of God and I can hear His words and I can feel His presence. I miss that so much. I miss the wonderful experience of worshiping with other believers.
I am still unsure how God is going to use me, but I have no doubt that it is going to be soon, and I know that it is going to be in ways that I can't imagine. And until that day comes, I am going to do what Elsa the Honduran woman told me to do and I am going to worship him, worship him, worship him.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Beware of Christians
I watched a movie a few days entitled Beware of Christians and oh my goodness did it get me thinking. Instead of typing my usual sob story of how much being in a cast sucks, I am going to share the insight that I gained after watching this movie. Here is the description of it to spark your interest and entice you to go and watch it: Four college students travel to Europe to escape their routine faith and gain a radically new perspective on following Jesus.
The movie opened with this quote, so I find it appropriate that I should too. Take a moment to let it sink in.
The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable -Brennan Manning
I am tired of Christians. I am tired of belonging to a "brand" of humans who don't live up to the name. I am tired of being hypocritical. I am tired of standing in one place, when God has called me to go. I do not think that we understand what it means to be a Christian anymore, or maybe we do and we choose to ignore it. Being a Christian is one thing, being a follower of Christ is another. It is easy to say a small little prayer and ask Christ into our life. It is difficult to surrender that life completely over to Christ to let Him be our captain. I believe with my whole heart that you are saved with you acknowledge that God sent His son Jesus to die for the sins of the world, and after He died, he rose and went back to Heaven until He one day returns to bring us home. I believe that being a follower of Christ is accepting that above statement, and devoting your life towards being like Jesus.
As I watched the film, I became anxious and restless. I didn't just want to be watching, but rather living out the points that they made on the screen. The revelations that they came to were nothing new, but I think that we too often forget what it looks like to follow Christ. How can we lead others to Christ when we are selves are not living the way that He desires us to live?
The movie opened with this quote, so I find it appropriate that I should too. Take a moment to let it sink in.
The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable -Brennan Manning
I am tired of Christians. I am tired of belonging to a "brand" of humans who don't live up to the name. I am tired of being hypocritical. I am tired of standing in one place, when God has called me to go. I do not think that we understand what it means to be a Christian anymore, or maybe we do and we choose to ignore it. Being a Christian is one thing, being a follower of Christ is another. It is easy to say a small little prayer and ask Christ into our life. It is difficult to surrender that life completely over to Christ to let Him be our captain. I believe with my whole heart that you are saved with you acknowledge that God sent His son Jesus to die for the sins of the world, and after He died, he rose and went back to Heaven until He one day returns to bring us home. I believe that being a follower of Christ is accepting that above statement, and devoting your life towards being like Jesus.
As I watched the film, I became anxious and restless. I didn't just want to be watching, but rather living out the points that they made on the screen. The revelations that they came to were nothing new, but I think that we too often forget what it looks like to follow Christ. How can we lead others to Christ when we are selves are not living the way that He desires us to live?
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Disney, Christmas and Monk
I haven't written in 15 days, this post is overdue. I don't really feel like updating you on how I am feeling. The cast is off. I will say that.
I am writing today's post for a few reasons. 1. I wanted to update you on my Disney watching adventure. 2. I want to tell you how excited I am for Christmas music and 3. I want to tell you how completely sad I am that MONK is over for me. So without further-a-do...
1. As some of you may now, I have made it a mission to watch every single Disney and Disney/PIXAR movie (with a few exceptions, such as Halloween movies and others). I will never reach this goal. Here is a link to all of the movies: http://www.disneymovieslist.com/disney-movies.asp
I thought that I had watched a lot of Disney movies, but as I look at the list, the ones I have watched was shorter than the ones I haven't watched, excluding sequels...because just no. I just want to watch the ones on Disney Scene It so that I can crush people.
This week I did watch several Disney movies, and most of them I deem completely inappropriate for children. There is some pretty heavy stuff in these movies. I will admit that my heart was racing a few times. So I am giving you a short list of Disney movies that my children will not be allowed to watch, nor will I ever show to a child.
1. The Fox and The Hound- what some view as a cute movie about friendship, I view as the director setting your heart up to be broken, multiple times... in the first 2 minutes and then the rest of the movie. I seriously wanted to cry and this is a cartoon, it is made up. I will not put my children through heart break that young.
2. The Great Mouse Detective- OKAY SERIOUSLY. I have some really strong feelings about this movie. I wanted to punch the screen. I had to turn it off at one point because I seriously was terrified. There is this creepy bat that has red eyes and a serial killer voice that jumps out and I kid you not, my heart stopped. I WILL NEVER LET A CHILD WATCH THIS MOVIE. It is not just the bat. The villain is a complete creep who gets even worse at the end when he literally looks like a crazed rat who could eat human flesh. The fat mouse gets drunk, there is death and a slutty little female mouse at the bar where there is a huge bar fight, and more drunken mouses (get over it, I don't like mice ;) see what I did there?) The Great Mouse detective is terrifying and it should be burned for forever.
3. Atlantis- while I enjoyed this movie, I feel there are some elements that may be unsuitable for children.
4. The Hunchback of Notre-Dame- if you think that my #2 reason is long, let me tell you a few things about this movie. 1. I know that it is a classic book, good for it. It should have remained a book. 2. I know that it is teaching children that it is what is on the inside that counts, and that's a good lesson and all, but seriously this adult book should not have been made into a children's movie. I really enjoyed it, and I found myself tearing up. There were parts of it that made me go awww and then there were parts of it that made me want to smash my television because I could not stand the corruption. I do not think that children could even understand the plot of the story, and maybe that isn't the point, but they didn't do a good job of turning a heavy book into a light and cheery children's movie. There were some parts of it that were just so demonic and then there were parts that were downright creepy. I recommend it for adults... never, ever, ever children though. Also if you want a song about how the body of Christ should truly be, listen to the song Esmeralda sings while she is in the Cathedral, seriously it is intense.
5. The Rescuers- I love the Rescuers Down Under, but the first movie was a tad disappointing, first off the villain is scarier than Cruella DeVil, and we all know that she is the devil in cartoon form. The Rescuers was just creepy. And a mouse gets drunk, and the villain dress provocatively.
Now that I have told you about the horrible movies I watched this week, I rewatched the Emperors New Groove, and I love that movie. Then I watched Kronk's New Groove and it was like 5 times funnier. So go with those movies, or Peter Pan if you want to watch a Disney movie.
Point 2- I watched the Christmas episode of Cake Boss and now I just want it to snow and I want to listen to Christmas music all day and watch Christmas movies every weekend. But also, fall just began and I love fall, so I don't want to rush it out the door.
Point 3- My mom and I began to watch Monk this season, and today closed that chapter. To begin, I have never been a fan of crime shows, but I really liked Monk. Like I loved Monk. I cried, I laughed and I fell in love with Dandy Disher who is literally my new fictionally boyfriend! (sorry Peter Pan) I really enjoyed the series and I was really sad when it was all over. I honestly can say that it is one of my favorite shows. You know when you watch the final episode of FRIENDS and the door closes on the last scene and a little part of your heart breaks inside... that is what happened to my heart today. Monk was a great summer series.
So that concludes my blog. I went to a wedding today for a friend, who is more like my sister and it was wonderful, then I finished Monk, whined about my pain a lot, took my first online History test and watched Whose Line Is It Anyways. I am a tired girl tonight. I had a hard day, and I won't be going to church because of the pain. So Hello to all of my lovely RiverValley friends!! Praise Jesus extra hard for me ;) Just kidding, He and I will have some praise time tomorrow :) Thanks for checking out my blog and feel free to ask me my opinions on anything Disney, actually on anything at all :) I'm bored! Goodnight!
I am writing today's post for a few reasons. 1. I wanted to update you on my Disney watching adventure. 2. I want to tell you how excited I am for Christmas music and 3. I want to tell you how completely sad I am that MONK is over for me. So without further-a-do...
1. As some of you may now, I have made it a mission to watch every single Disney and Disney/PIXAR movie (with a few exceptions, such as Halloween movies and others). I will never reach this goal. Here is a link to all of the movies: http://www.disneymovieslist.com/disney-movies.asp
I thought that I had watched a lot of Disney movies, but as I look at the list, the ones I have watched was shorter than the ones I haven't watched, excluding sequels...because just no. I just want to watch the ones on Disney Scene It so that I can crush people.
This week I did watch several Disney movies, and most of them I deem completely inappropriate for children. There is some pretty heavy stuff in these movies. I will admit that my heart was racing a few times. So I am giving you a short list of Disney movies that my children will not be allowed to watch, nor will I ever show to a child.
1. The Fox and The Hound- what some view as a cute movie about friendship, I view as the director setting your heart up to be broken, multiple times... in the first 2 minutes and then the rest of the movie. I seriously wanted to cry and this is a cartoon, it is made up. I will not put my children through heart break that young.
2. The Great Mouse Detective- OKAY SERIOUSLY. I have some really strong feelings about this movie. I wanted to punch the screen. I had to turn it off at one point because I seriously was terrified. There is this creepy bat that has red eyes and a serial killer voice that jumps out and I kid you not, my heart stopped. I WILL NEVER LET A CHILD WATCH THIS MOVIE. It is not just the bat. The villain is a complete creep who gets even worse at the end when he literally looks like a crazed rat who could eat human flesh. The fat mouse gets drunk, there is death and a slutty little female mouse at the bar where there is a huge bar fight, and more drunken mouses (get over it, I don't like mice ;) see what I did there?) The Great Mouse detective is terrifying and it should be burned for forever.
3. Atlantis- while I enjoyed this movie, I feel there are some elements that may be unsuitable for children.
4. The Hunchback of Notre-Dame- if you think that my #2 reason is long, let me tell you a few things about this movie. 1. I know that it is a classic book, good for it. It should have remained a book. 2. I know that it is teaching children that it is what is on the inside that counts, and that's a good lesson and all, but seriously this adult book should not have been made into a children's movie. I really enjoyed it, and I found myself tearing up. There were parts of it that made me go awww and then there were parts of it that made me want to smash my television because I could not stand the corruption. I do not think that children could even understand the plot of the story, and maybe that isn't the point, but they didn't do a good job of turning a heavy book into a light and cheery children's movie. There were some parts of it that were just so demonic and then there were parts that were downright creepy. I recommend it for adults... never, ever, ever children though. Also if you want a song about how the body of Christ should truly be, listen to the song Esmeralda sings while she is in the Cathedral, seriously it is intense.
5. The Rescuers- I love the Rescuers Down Under, but the first movie was a tad disappointing, first off the villain is scarier than Cruella DeVil, and we all know that she is the devil in cartoon form. The Rescuers was just creepy. And a mouse gets drunk, and the villain dress provocatively.
Now that I have told you about the horrible movies I watched this week, I rewatched the Emperors New Groove, and I love that movie. Then I watched Kronk's New Groove and it was like 5 times funnier. So go with those movies, or Peter Pan if you want to watch a Disney movie.
Point 2- I watched the Christmas episode of Cake Boss and now I just want it to snow and I want to listen to Christmas music all day and watch Christmas movies every weekend. But also, fall just began and I love fall, so I don't want to rush it out the door.
Point 3- My mom and I began to watch Monk this season, and today closed that chapter. To begin, I have never been a fan of crime shows, but I really liked Monk. Like I loved Monk. I cried, I laughed and I fell in love with Dandy Disher who is literally my new fictionally boyfriend! (sorry Peter Pan) I really enjoyed the series and I was really sad when it was all over. I honestly can say that it is one of my favorite shows. You know when you watch the final episode of FRIENDS and the door closes on the last scene and a little part of your heart breaks inside... that is what happened to my heart today. Monk was a great summer series.
So that concludes my blog. I went to a wedding today for a friend, who is more like my sister and it was wonderful, then I finished Monk, whined about my pain a lot, took my first online History test and watched Whose Line Is It Anyways. I am a tired girl tonight. I had a hard day, and I won't be going to church because of the pain. So Hello to all of my lovely RiverValley friends!! Praise Jesus extra hard for me ;) Just kidding, He and I will have some praise time tomorrow :) Thanks for checking out my blog and feel free to ask me my opinions on anything Disney, actually on anything at all :) I'm bored! Goodnight!
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Trips in the Ambulance like rides at the County Fair
Wow guys. What a week it has been. COMPLETELY CRAZY!!! And I am exhausted. I wanted to fill you in on all of the little details. Though I have given large chunks of the story on Facebook, there are still quite a few holes.
I want to first begin by wishing good luck to all of my Bethel friends who started back to school! I hope that you all have an incredible week.
I also wanted to thank everyone who has come to visit, sent me messages to let me know they are praying, and everyone who is praying for us.
This summer has been completely difficult and there are times when I act like this is just life, and that everything will be okay. But I have struggled this whole summer trying to make sense of how God could even let this happen. I get really frustrated and alone. It hurts when people say they will come to see you, and they never do... it hurts to feel alone, but feel too sick to be with people. It has been frustrating.
Lets start on Tuesday morning. I went in to the hospital expecting that the doctor would be doing a minor procedure to fix my knee cap from still dislocating. Everything went fine. The got my IV in and even though the nerve block hurt like crazy, they eventually were able to completely numb my leg.
I woke up with a sore throat and I remember thinking, Man, my leg is extremely stiff. I looked down and there was a cast. To be honest, I really didn't think a whole lot about it because I was so out of it. I laid in the recovery room trying to wake up for a little over an hour. My surgeon came in and explained that the screw from my previous surgery had ended up cracking my tibia, and he had me in the cast to prevent my knee cap from slipping. They were pumping pain meds into me, but they weren't doing a whole bunch. You have to stay in recovery for 20 minutes after your last dose of pain medicine and I just wanted out of there, so I told her to stop and she moved me into the out patient hospital room. I was feeling fine. I got up to use the bathroom, I changed from the awful gown into my close and I ate some crackers. I really wasn't having a lot of pain. They said I could go home, but we had to wait for my wheelchair to be delivered. As soon as it had come and I had finished eating my dinner, I went home. It was around 6ish when we left the hospital. We stopped by my house for a few moments to pick up everything that I would need at my grandma's. I had planned to stay with her for the week because my mother still had school.
We got to my nanny's house and I got in pretty easily. I was making jokes with my family and eating normally. My mom stayed with me through the night so that she could wake me up to get me my pain medicine every two hours. I was on Norco, which is Vicodin, and Tramadol, which is a mild pain medicine that focuses on joint pain relief. I have been on Tramadol since February and Norco since my surgery in May.
It was 4:30 when everything decided to go haywire. I think that my nerve block, which had done so well at keeping my pain at bay, had finally decided to wear off. The pain hit me so hard. There is nothing that I can compare it too, it was literally that bad. I laid in bed whining and crying for a half an hour, and then I decided to get up to use the bathroom. Before I even made it out of bed I began to throw up. I waited for a few minuted before trying again. Slowly I made it to the toilet, about 10 feet, if that, away from the bed. Then I got really pale, I thought I was going to pass out, the pain in my leg increased more, which I didn't think was possible, and I started to hyperventilate. Friends, if there was ever a time that I thought I was going to die, it was this time. I literally thought there is no way that I can handle this. I am going to die on the toilet. Like Elvis. My mom decided then that she wanted to call the ambulance to get me back into the hospital. It was around 6ish in the morning.
We waited for a while for them to show up, they put me on the stretcher and I am pretty sure that I was pretty much crying hysterically, but the medics were really nice. They got me into the back of the truck, and though you may think it is slightly more comfortable in there because its a mini hospital on wheels, you would be wrong. It was bumpy. And we had to go from South Bend to Elkhart General. They can not give you pain medicine and the ride is so cold that you feel you are in the arctic. I sat with a man who asked me tong of questions and kept checking my pulse and my blood pressure, which was super low from almost passing out.
As soon as we got to the hospital, and they had moved me into bed, I began to throw up again. It took them a while to get the IV in and order the medicine to take the pain down. It was a really hard time. Really really hard.
After they had put in the medicine, I began to relax. The pain had not subsided. She gave me two more doses. She also informed my dad and I that most people would have been knocked out with the first dose. Yea... didn't work so much for me.
Around noon they moved me up to a room in post op. I stayed there for two days and two nights. Nothing super exciting happened. I cried a lot, I was on a drip that was stronger than morphine, I had great nurses and I hardly slept. My mom stayed with me part of the first night, and Claire came to stay with my the second night.
I left around 2 on Friday and moved back to my grandma's house. That night while my mom and I were moving my knee cap had slipped a little bit, which may just be my leg adjusting to the surgery. That caused a lot of pain though. So now I am at home. On a scale of 1 to 10, my pain still sits at a 10. I might just have to suck it up for a few weeks.
I am still just praising God that there will be a day when there is no more pain. There will be no more tears. No more mourning or crying. Praise God for that promise. I have tried this entire time to put on a smile face and tell everyone I am okay. I am not though. Its hard for me because I want to be positive all the time, and right now I just can't be. But this will pass.
My dear friend Garry Beckett shared a word that the Lord had spoken to him for me. He said that I need to go through this to be able to do the things God has called me to in the future. I am clinging to that. There is a purpose. I do not understand, and they way is lonely, and sad and dreary, but one day sun will shine on my life and this will all be a distant memory. Thank you for your prayers!!
The title of my blog is lyrics from a song I listened to as a child. The ambulance sucked haha. Also, since I like to post picture of my makeup, and my hair and stuff in these blogs, here is how crappy I looked in the hospital :) enjoy the au natural:
I want to first begin by wishing good luck to all of my Bethel friends who started back to school! I hope that you all have an incredible week.
I also wanted to thank everyone who has come to visit, sent me messages to let me know they are praying, and everyone who is praying for us.
This summer has been completely difficult and there are times when I act like this is just life, and that everything will be okay. But I have struggled this whole summer trying to make sense of how God could even let this happen. I get really frustrated and alone. It hurts when people say they will come to see you, and they never do... it hurts to feel alone, but feel too sick to be with people. It has been frustrating.
Lets start on Tuesday morning. I went in to the hospital expecting that the doctor would be doing a minor procedure to fix my knee cap from still dislocating. Everything went fine. The got my IV in and even though the nerve block hurt like crazy, they eventually were able to completely numb my leg.
I woke up with a sore throat and I remember thinking, Man, my leg is extremely stiff. I looked down and there was a cast. To be honest, I really didn't think a whole lot about it because I was so out of it. I laid in the recovery room trying to wake up for a little over an hour. My surgeon came in and explained that the screw from my previous surgery had ended up cracking my tibia, and he had me in the cast to prevent my knee cap from slipping. They were pumping pain meds into me, but they weren't doing a whole bunch. You have to stay in recovery for 20 minutes after your last dose of pain medicine and I just wanted out of there, so I told her to stop and she moved me into the out patient hospital room. I was feeling fine. I got up to use the bathroom, I changed from the awful gown into my close and I ate some crackers. I really wasn't having a lot of pain. They said I could go home, but we had to wait for my wheelchair to be delivered. As soon as it had come and I had finished eating my dinner, I went home. It was around 6ish when we left the hospital. We stopped by my house for a few moments to pick up everything that I would need at my grandma's. I had planned to stay with her for the week because my mother still had school.
We got to my nanny's house and I got in pretty easily. I was making jokes with my family and eating normally. My mom stayed with me through the night so that she could wake me up to get me my pain medicine every two hours. I was on Norco, which is Vicodin, and Tramadol, which is a mild pain medicine that focuses on joint pain relief. I have been on Tramadol since February and Norco since my surgery in May.
It was 4:30 when everything decided to go haywire. I think that my nerve block, which had done so well at keeping my pain at bay, had finally decided to wear off. The pain hit me so hard. There is nothing that I can compare it too, it was literally that bad. I laid in bed whining and crying for a half an hour, and then I decided to get up to use the bathroom. Before I even made it out of bed I began to throw up. I waited for a few minuted before trying again. Slowly I made it to the toilet, about 10 feet, if that, away from the bed. Then I got really pale, I thought I was going to pass out, the pain in my leg increased more, which I didn't think was possible, and I started to hyperventilate. Friends, if there was ever a time that I thought I was going to die, it was this time. I literally thought there is no way that I can handle this. I am going to die on the toilet. Like Elvis. My mom decided then that she wanted to call the ambulance to get me back into the hospital. It was around 6ish in the morning.
We waited for a while for them to show up, they put me on the stretcher and I am pretty sure that I was pretty much crying hysterically, but the medics were really nice. They got me into the back of the truck, and though you may think it is slightly more comfortable in there because its a mini hospital on wheels, you would be wrong. It was bumpy. And we had to go from South Bend to Elkhart General. They can not give you pain medicine and the ride is so cold that you feel you are in the arctic. I sat with a man who asked me tong of questions and kept checking my pulse and my blood pressure, which was super low from almost passing out.
As soon as we got to the hospital, and they had moved me into bed, I began to throw up again. It took them a while to get the IV in and order the medicine to take the pain down. It was a really hard time. Really really hard.
After they had put in the medicine, I began to relax. The pain had not subsided. She gave me two more doses. She also informed my dad and I that most people would have been knocked out with the first dose. Yea... didn't work so much for me.
Around noon they moved me up to a room in post op. I stayed there for two days and two nights. Nothing super exciting happened. I cried a lot, I was on a drip that was stronger than morphine, I had great nurses and I hardly slept. My mom stayed with me part of the first night, and Claire came to stay with my the second night.
I left around 2 on Friday and moved back to my grandma's house. That night while my mom and I were moving my knee cap had slipped a little bit, which may just be my leg adjusting to the surgery. That caused a lot of pain though. So now I am at home. On a scale of 1 to 10, my pain still sits at a 10. I might just have to suck it up for a few weeks.
I am still just praising God that there will be a day when there is no more pain. There will be no more tears. No more mourning or crying. Praise God for that promise. I have tried this entire time to put on a smile face and tell everyone I am okay. I am not though. Its hard for me because I want to be positive all the time, and right now I just can't be. But this will pass.
My dear friend Garry Beckett shared a word that the Lord had spoken to him for me. He said that I need to go through this to be able to do the things God has called me to in the future. I am clinging to that. There is a purpose. I do not understand, and they way is lonely, and sad and dreary, but one day sun will shine on my life and this will all be a distant memory. Thank you for your prayers!!
The title of my blog is lyrics from a song I listened to as a child. The ambulance sucked haha. Also, since I like to post picture of my makeup, and my hair and stuff in these blogs, here is how crappy I looked in the hospital :) enjoy the au natural:
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