Late night thoughts

I started to fall asleep tonight, but apparently my mind has too many thoughts and I need to write them and process them. That was a great run on sentence. This last week, the photographer from Humans of New York has been interviewing refugees. If you don't know what Humans of New York is, I would encourage you to check it out because it is awesome. This guy takes a picture of a person and writes a part of their life story. It's really neat to see people from all walks of life, all over the world, and you realize through the pictures that they aren't that much different than you. I love it. But back to what this post is really about... My broken heart.

God has blessed me with a very caring heart. He has given me great amounts of compassion and mercy. I care so much, sometimes too much. And I was well aware of that fact this week while I was reading Humans of New York. Like I mentioned, he is focusing on refugees. These refugees are coming from the areas where ISIS is over taking. The stories that they tell are heart breaking. The things that they have endured and gone through literally bring tears to your eyes. These people have nothing, they risk everything to start over. They leave one hard life to begin another and they lose so much on the way. And this is breaking my heart. And I don't think I can even put it into words. Because it's not just this are that breaks my heart. The world breaks my heart. Evil is running rampant on this earth. It's here in America. It's in Africa. It's in Asia. It's everywhere. And I want to change the world. I wish I had a magic fairy wand that I could use to make the evil disappear.

And while I was thinking about the evil in our world, I thought of the good that we have to overcome it. We have authority in Christ to drive out evil. We have authority in Christ to declare peace to the chaos, healing to the brokeness and light to the darkness. And I wonder why we aren't accessing that power?! Why are we as Christians just praying occasionally about an issue and thinking it will go away? Why aren't we fighting evil? It's not going to go away on it's own. It's just going to keep growing and growing. I'm not okay with that.

I don't have a point to this post. It really was just serving as a place for me to try and work through some of the thoughts in my head. I'm overwhelmed with sadness and the feeling of helplessness. I want to do so much for the Kingdom and I don't know where to begin. PlEase join me in praying against the evil in our world. Pray that our world, and our nation specifically, would turn back to Jesus. Those are like. Fourth of my thoughts tonight.

A Thank You to my Dad

I have the greatest dad in the world (I have the greatest mom too, but her post will come later). Seriously you guys, I consider my dad to be one of my best friends. And in many aspects, I am his mini me. Sometimes I say something and immediately I am like, "Hey that's something my dad would say." I love him a lot because he is silly. I am going to be honest, sometimes I have no idea what he is talking about, but he just always makes me smile. And he works really hard for our family. He still supports me, even though I am an adult and I should be like off doing adult things and instead I just lay in bed and watch Netflix and question what I am going to do with my life. And he pushes me to keep seeking the Lord for answers and to keep running towards the calling in my life.

So here is to my dad, thank you for being incredible. Thank you for teaching me how to fish and for taking me hunting that one time even though I destroyed any chance of you actually getting a duck. Thank you for watching Netflix with me and for watching Arrested Development with me and supporting my decision to become a magician or join ARMY to win trophies. Thank you for sharing your knowledge of the world with me. I understand why I have such a love for knowing random facts, because you are the king of facts. Thanks for loving me unconditional, even when I mess up or I act like a weirdo. You are such a great example of a Godly man, thanks for giving me an example of a good moral scale to measure any future boyfriends.  Thanks for fixing my car when I have no idea what I am doing, and for teaching me how to add windshield washer fluid so I know how to do at least on thing. Thanks for making me delicious grilled cheese sandwiches and perfect popcorn. Thank you for helping me grow up into a confident young lady who loves Jesus with her whole heart. Thanks for editing my blog and for always being honest about where I can improve, and even what I am doing well. You really are the best daddy, even when I have no idea what you are doing and I kinda give you that stare that makes me look as confused as America looks every time Donald Trump says something confusing. You are awesome. Keep being awesome.

I am home

It has been almost 24 hours since I have come home and its time to share with everyone the roller coaster of emotions that I have been feeling. To begin, you will notice that I am back to posting on The Joyful Little Cupcake. I am home now, my Honduran adventure has been put on pause, its time to go back to the blog that started it all.

After a lot of prayer, and a whole lot of sickness, I decided that it was time for me to come home. It was the hardest decision that I have had to make. I was really sick when I finally decided, and I was so scared that I was making this decision based only on how I was physically feeling. That wasn't the case though. I was missing school. I felt like I couldn't move some days. I was not functioning. I lost a lot of control over my body. I felt weak and broken. It was really hard. Being sick is never easy, but being sick while also living overseas is more difficult. And so I prayed, and I prayed and I prayed. And in my prayers, I knew that Jesus was okay with me coming home. He gave me peace. I knew in my heart and my head that going home was the best decision for me. My mom came down to pick my up, and we made in home last night.

It is Thursday and I have been home for about 24 hours now. I love my house. I love Michiana. I just love the USA. And I cannot explain to you how happy I feel to be home. But there is a lot of sadness in my heart, coming home was difficult. It is hard to leave a place that you love so much. Leaving friends and friends that are like family is one of the most challenging things.

I am going to get super honest now. I just need to lay it all out there.

I am disappointed in myself and there have been many moments where I feel like I have failed. Honduras is my dream. Loving and serving the people of Honduras is all I have wanted to do since I was 17. And that is why I feel like leaving is me acknowledging that I have failed. I know in my head that I have no control over sickness. I know that I will be going back. I know that God can still use me in the US, I know all of this. But there are many times that I feel like maybe I gave up too soon, or maybe if I had just prayed a little harder, or tried to push my body just a little bit further I could have made it. I know in my head that if I had pushed myself any farther I would have only become sicker. It is still hard to accept that it is okay that I am home. And I know that over the next few weeks I will have to work through those feelings.

I am scared that I will lose who I am when I am in Honduras. I wish that I could explain to you how different I am when I am in Honduras. I wish you all could see it. Because the Charlotte in Honduras is the real Charlotte. It's not that I am hiding the real me when I am in the United States, its just different. I can't explain it. I feel so free in Honduras. I feel happier, I feel more energy, I am more confident. And more importantly than every thing that I feel while I am in Honduras, I experience the presence of the Lord in ways that blow my mind. There are times when I feel like God himself is physically in the same room as me. I feel the Holy Spirit more. I dance and I sing more during worship. And it is all real. There is no trying to create an atmosphere for the Holy Spirit to show up, because He is already there. I feel freedom to be EXACTLY, PERFECTLY, 100% who God created me to when I am in Honduras. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose the incredible faith that I have gained. And I am praying that God really opens my eyes to see Him here in America, like I see Him in Honduras.

I am still really sick friends. I honestly have never felt this terrible. And I am not writing this part for sympathy. I just feel like it needs to be explained. My body is so weak and tired and sick. But my spirit and my soul feel strong.They feel peace and they feel good. And even as miserable as I am, I am using that strength in my spirit to display joy. God can heal me, and I will get better. In the meantime though, I am going to continue to feed my spirit and believe that day by day, God is going to build that up and use it for His glory.

And now, I must say goodnight. I will see you all soon friends. I am home to recover, I am home to rest.

MY NEW BLOG!

Hello Friends,
I will not be updating this blog as much as I move to Honduras this month. To read about my time abroad, please see my latest blog

Charlotte's Honduran Adventures:
CharlottesHonduranAdventures.blogspot.com

I will try to update this one with my random and funny posts.

I hope you will continue to read my ramblings as I navigate the future that God has laid out for me.

My Support Letter

God called me to be a missionary at a young age. I couldn’t tell you where I was the first time I knew that I was going to be a missionary. I don’t even know how old I was when I felt the call. But, I do know that I have known God’s plan for my life since I was a very little girl. And over the years I have wrestled with this calling. Though God has clearly confirmed it time and time again, there have been times of doubt and times that I have struggled with the call to go and serve God abroad. Then this summer, I made my second trip to El Progreso, Honduras. The trip followed what had been a difficult year. I had 3 knee surgeries within the year leading up to this trip, I had left Bethel College and started taking online classes, and I felt lost and lonely in the new world of being an “adult.”

          The second day that I was in Honduras, Jesus came and shook up my little world. For the first time in months, He gave me an overwhelming sense of peace. I felt like I was at home. I knew that I was in a place where I belonged. And the rest of the week, I worked through those feelings, trying to better understand what the Lord was saying to me. It became very clear that I needed to move to Honduras. I had no doubt that this was where God was calling me to be. I knew that I was home, that I was in the center of His will for my life, and it was a wonderful feeling. I cried the whole way to the airport on the day we left. I sat in the back of the bus with my dad and my cousin Kara, and I was sad to be leaving the place where I had felt God’s presence so strongly and heard his voice so clearly. Throughout the entire bus ride, I kept hearing Him say, “You are coming back. I have plans for you here Charlotte. This is not goodbye.”

          The week that I got home, I got in contact with a school in El Progreso called Eternity. I emailed them and told them about my love for the country and the call that I felt. I heard back from them within a few hours and later in the week, they had offered me a job. With all of the physical challenges I have faced with my knees, I was unable to move right away. As this year has gone on, I know that this is the time that God has prepared for me to go. This summer, I will be moving to Honduras to teach English for one school year (Well, for now, who knows what is to come).

          You are receiving this letter because so many of you have not only supported my missions trips to Honduras, but you have also been a constant support through the years. Your encouraging words, visits to the hospital, meals brought to my home, laughter, movie days, and persistent prayers have been a constant source of joy for me! I want you to continue to be a part of my journey as I step into the new things God has for me!

YOUR SUPPORT IS NEEDED!

Prayer is the most important way- I would not be where I am now had it not been for so much answered prayer from my friends and family.  The prayer card is .a reminder that I need daily prayer.  Some specifics are;

·        Continued healing in my knees.

·        Anxiousness at living on my own in a foreign country

·        Wisdom and peace

Keep in Touch-

·         I will post frequently on my blog  thejoyfullittlecupcake.blogspot.com.

·        Facebook and tweets on Twitter

·         Email me  charcharlainey@gmail.com

Financially- While I will receive a monthly salary from the school, it will not be enough to cover my total expenses, including travel. I have estimated the cost for my year abroad to be an additional $6,000 beyond my salary. There are two ways to give to help support me:

·        Monthly support which can be given through Hope for One Child (June 2015-June 2016).

·        One-time Gift

What My Friends Have Taught Me

I am at a great place in my life. I find myself realizing that I have learned a lot in my 20 years of life and I am sure that I have so much more to learn. This morning though, I realized that my close friends have taught me so much and I am truly thankful for that. And in keeping with the spirit of my most recent post, I will also make this one a list.

Here is what my friends have taught me, and what friends can teach each of us.

1. No matter what time of day, my friends have taught me that they will always be there for me. I cannot tell you how many times I have texted a friend late at night and they have responded. Whether it be to say something completely stupid (like telling them that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having a new baby) or something super serious, they always respond. They have taught me that being there for someone else is so important and I hope that they know that I will be there for them. (Seriously, I'll be there for you when the rain starts to pour, like I've been there before, because you're there for me too)

2. It is not always about me. I have learned this many times. A friendship is a give and take relationship. You cannot expect to keep taking and taking and taking and still have a functional relationship. This is a two way street. Now there will be times when all you do is take, it is just life. However, the times that you give and give and give should out way all the times of take. I think that this is something that friends forget too easily. It works both ways, or it doesn't work at all.

3. Laughter can cure anything. Well, it can cure most things. It 100% can not heal you after just having your gallbladder removed, It can't. Laughter can overcome so many things. If there is a disagreement, making a light joke can help. If someone is feeling down, puns are a great way to lift them up. It doesn't matter what brings about the laughter, laughing with your friends is just one of the greatest things in this world. I work really hard to make people laugh.

4. My friends have taught me what real and authentic love is. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for my dear friends that I love. This is going to sound crazy, but have you ever wondered if you could love someone more than you do. Seriously, I love my cousin and my best friend, Kara, so much that sometimes I can not find the words to adequately express how much she really means to me. I think that is what authentic love is. I would go to the ends of the earth and back for her, and I know that she would do the same for me.

5. My friends have taught me to dream big, and then dream a little bigger. If you have a desire in your heart to do something, find a way to do it. I think the potential for greatness that all of us have is so amazing. Sometimes we can't see that in ourselves though and we need someone to point it out. My love language is words of affirmation, and I love to tell people what I see in them and I am always 100% serious. I have learned that we all have the ability to change the world, and I think that many of my friends are going to do just that. I love when I have a crazy idea and I share it with a friend and they are just like, do it! (Though most of the times I think they think I am joking, but really I am mostly 100% serious).

6. Not everyone has the same talents, and that's okay. My strengths are different than my friends strengths. My weakness are not the same as theirs. This is all good. While I might not know what to do in a situation, one of them might be able to help me out. Or, if I am good at something and they aren't so good at the same something, I can help them out. It is so great to have different abilities and talents.

7. I have learned that you don't always have to like the same things. Seriously, friends can have different interests and passions. Kara is super passionate about math, and I am not, but when she makes a math joke, I laugh because that's what friends do. My friend Lauren is super into music, and I am not, but she is always telling me what I listen to and I end up liking the songs. I am really into princesses and most of my friends are not, but they still let me wear my princess crowns and call me Princess Charlotte. And that's awesome. If everyone liked the same things, life would be boring and there would be no room for exploring (unintentional rhyming).

8. I have learned that I am blessed. That is the most important thing that I have learned. I have an incredible support system. God has blessed me with some of the greatest friends on earth. Friends who keep me accountable, who walk beside me in hard times, who laugh at silly movies with me, who support my dreams and my plans, who push me to be the best me, who listen to me, and who love me as much as I love them. I am so blessed by all the friends I currently have, and all those who I have had over the years. Life is so much better when you are walking through it with crazy awesome people. Thank you so much for being my friends.

(I had tears in my eyes thinking about all of the incredible friends that I have, oh my goodness, I am going to miss so many people when I move to Honduras)

What pain has taught me

I can't remember the last time when I was pain free. Tonight I tried to remember when I felt good. In trying to remember a morning when I woke up, ready and excited for the day ahead of me. And tonight as I lay in bed. I can't remember these things. I know I felt great my first semester at Bethel. But since that second semester, it's been one thing after the other. Pain is a major factor in my life, it has the ability to control me. I'm not writing this post for you to feel sorry for me. I am not writing it to provide you with clarity in regards to my day to day life. I am writing it, hoping that you find some encouragement. I have learned so much being in constant pain. And tonight I need to write it down for myself. I need this post to serve as a reminder to myself in the future that this really is a refining process. Here is what I have learned during the last few years that I have lived in chronic pain.
1. Everyone is going to try and offer you a solution. Whether it is the suggestion to try the holistic path or hearing a surgeon tell you that it might be best to operate. Everyone has their own way of dealing with pain. I was very receptive to the ideas at the beginning. I tried essential oils, I tried vitamins and supplements, I've tried exercise, I've tried wrapping it. If it is an over the counter, simplistic way to "fix" it, I have tried it. I'm at the place where suggestions don't even phase me. They go in one ear and directly out the other. And while I appreciate the suggestions, I have given up hope that they will actually work for me.
2. I know and I believe and I have no doubt that God could heal me. Sometimes we associate pain with disbelief in Christ and His ability to heal. I have been touched and experienced healing so often that I have no doubt God can heal me. None. I could wake up tomorrow and be 100% new, no pain. I have learned that even when you ask and beg and plead with Christ, sometimes His timing does not line up with your agenda. I have no doubt that God can heal me. And I believe that one day he will.
3. It's okay to ask for help. It's necessary. I need a lot of help. I need help wrapping my knee. I need help getting down stairs. It's okay to ask for help when you need it. I'm not good at this, and I am still learning.
4. People just won't understand. Some people just never get why I can't suck it up and get on with my life. It's not always that easy. I wake up and I hurt until I go to bed most days. Occasionally I feel good and strong in the morning. And I suck it up a lot. I don't want people to pity me. There are days when I can do a lot because the pain isn't unbearable. But there are also days when the pain is too great and sucking it up isn't an option.
5. People don't know what to say to comfort me and that's okay. When you haven't experienced someone else's pain, it is difficult to comfort them. Most days I just need to complain. I need to try and find the words to describe how I am feeling. Sometimes my family and friends don't know how to respond. My sister even tells me, "I don't know what to say Char" and she says it in the most gentle and sympathetic way, and that helps. I prefer when people just sit with me in my pain. I know that they can't fix it. But I also know that they are walking through this with me.
6. Being myself is sometimes difficult. People know me for being upbeat and positive and joyful. I have heard so many times, "I don't know how you do it!" And the truth is, I cry a lot. I try to be myself around church friends and school friends. I can push the pain down and ignore it for an hour or too because I want to feel like myself again.
7. Hearing people call me crippled or hop along or saying "you're always getting hurt" or "are you just not getting attention" is actually super hurtful. I'm not going through this because I think it's fun. I haven't had 6 surgeries because I want attention. This is just my life right now. I am not constantly injuring myself. I am injured and it causes constant pain. And the jokes get annoying. They don't make me laugh.
8. I have learned that even though I am in pain, there are a lot of people who are worse than me. Our world is full of people who are hurting. They hurt physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I never want to take my relatively good health for granted. I am so thankful that my pain can be managed. I am so thankful that I can live. I am very blessed. On days when it is especially difficult to move, I try to put it into perspective. One day I will get better and I will be able to function 100% again. Some people aren't that fortunate. Please remember to that, in any struggle, you have it better than so many people in our world.
9. Being in pain is lonely. It's super easy to isolate myself when I'm constantly hurting. Most of the time I don't go out to be around people because I'm just in too much pain. It's been a lonely last few years. Which is why I am so thankful for all of you who have stood with me. I am beyond blessed by the number of family and friends who have prayed for me, who have come over to watch Netflix with me, who have driven me to doctor appointments and have held my hand during physical therapy. I have an incredible support system. I am so thankful for that.
10. Resting is so important. When my pastor talked about the Sabbath a few weeks ago, I realized that this is a spiritual discipline that I have mastered the last few years. It took me a while to realize that I wasn't being lazy. I have had to spend a lot of time laying and sitting down. And those times it is easy to fill my time with Netflix and Facebook. But when I turn off those distractions and I focus on the Lord, my whole spirit feels uplifted. I feel recharged and ready to face the next obstacle. There have been times the last few years when I haven't rested and I have pushed myself and things have gotten worse. Rest is so important for a mending body. We were not designed to keep going and going and going until our breaking point. And yet there are so many people who have that mentality. I would encourage you to rest. Be lazy, but have a purpose to your laziness.

Again, I didn't write this to receive sympathy. And I'm writing this for my benefit. Some things on this list don't just apply to physical pain. They can be true about a multitude of struggles. So if there is something difficult that you are walking through, take a moment to sit back and identify what you are learning. It can help you to deal with the struggle when you know how you feel about it. God is bigger than our hurts, he is bigger than our fears, he is bigger than our weaknesses. It's the most important thing to remember during difficult times.