I want to first begin by wishing good luck to all of my Bethel friends who started back to school! I hope that you all have an incredible week.
I also wanted to thank everyone who has come to visit, sent me messages to let me know they are praying, and everyone who is praying for us.
This summer has been completely difficult and there are times when I act like this is just life, and that everything will be okay. But I have struggled this whole summer trying to make sense of how God could even let this happen. I get really frustrated and alone. It hurts when people say they will come to see you, and they never do... it hurts to feel alone, but feel too sick to be with people. It has been frustrating.
Lets start on Tuesday morning. I went in to the hospital expecting that the doctor would be doing a minor procedure to fix my knee cap from still dislocating. Everything went fine. The got my IV in and even though the nerve block hurt like crazy, they eventually were able to completely numb my leg.
I woke up with a sore throat and I remember thinking, Man, my leg is extremely stiff. I looked down and there was a cast. To be honest, I really didn't think a whole lot about it because I was so out of it. I laid in the recovery room trying to wake up for a little over an hour. My surgeon came in and explained that the screw from my previous surgery had ended up cracking my tibia, and he had me in the cast to prevent my knee cap from slipping. They were pumping pain meds into me, but they weren't doing a whole bunch. You have to stay in recovery for 20 minutes after your last dose of pain medicine and I just wanted out of there, so I told her to stop and she moved me into the out patient hospital room. I was feeling fine. I got up to use the bathroom, I changed from the awful gown into my close and I ate some crackers. I really wasn't having a lot of pain. They said I could go home, but we had to wait for my wheelchair to be delivered. As soon as it had come and I had finished eating my dinner, I went home. It was around 6ish when we left the hospital. We stopped by my house for a few moments to pick up everything that I would need at my grandma's. I had planned to stay with her for the week because my mother still had school.
We got to my nanny's house and I got in pretty easily. I was making jokes with my family and eating normally. My mom stayed with me through the night so that she could wake me up to get me my pain medicine every two hours. I was on Norco, which is Vicodin, and Tramadol, which is a mild pain medicine that focuses on joint pain relief. I have been on Tramadol since February and Norco since my surgery in May.
It was 4:30 when everything decided to go haywire. I think that my nerve block, which had done so well at keeping my pain at bay, had finally decided to wear off. The pain hit me so hard. There is nothing that I can compare it too, it was literally that bad. I laid in bed whining and crying for a half an hour, and then I decided to get up to use the bathroom. Before I even made it out of bed I began to throw up. I waited for a few minuted before trying again. Slowly I made it to the toilet, about 10 feet, if that, away from the bed. Then I got really pale, I thought I was going to pass out, the pain in my leg increased more, which I didn't think was possible, and I started to hyperventilate. Friends, if there was ever a time that I thought I was going to die, it was this time. I literally thought there is no way that I can handle this. I am going to die on the toilet. Like Elvis. My mom decided then that she wanted to call the ambulance to get me back into the hospital. It was around 6ish in the morning.
We waited for a while for them to show up, they put me on the stretcher and I am pretty sure that I was pretty much crying hysterically, but the medics were really nice. They got me into the back of the truck, and though you may think it is slightly more comfortable in there because its a mini hospital on wheels, you would be wrong. It was bumpy. And we had to go from South Bend to Elkhart General. They can not give you pain medicine and the ride is so cold that you feel you are in the arctic. I sat with a man who asked me tong of questions and kept checking my pulse and my blood pressure, which was super low from almost passing out.
As soon as we got to the hospital, and they had moved me into bed, I began to throw up again. It took them a while to get the IV in and order the medicine to take the pain down. It was a really hard time. Really really hard.
After they had put in the medicine, I began to relax. The pain had not subsided. She gave me two more doses. She also informed my dad and I that most people would have been knocked out with the first dose. Yea... didn't work so much for me.
Around noon they moved me up to a room in post op. I stayed there for two days and two nights. Nothing super exciting happened. I cried a lot, I was on a drip that was stronger than morphine, I had great nurses and I hardly slept. My mom stayed with me part of the first night, and Claire came to stay with my the second night.
I left around 2 on Friday and moved back to my grandma's house. That night while my mom and I were moving my knee cap had slipped a little bit, which may just be my leg adjusting to the surgery. That caused a lot of pain though. So now I am at home. On a scale of 1 to 10, my pain still sits at a 10. I might just have to suck it up for a few weeks.
I am still just praising God that there will be a day when there is no more pain. There will be no more tears. No more mourning or crying. Praise God for that promise. I have tried this entire time to put on a smile face and tell everyone I am okay. I am not though. Its hard for me because I want to be positive all the time, and right now I just can't be. But this will pass.
My dear friend Garry Beckett shared a word that the Lord had spoken to him for me. He said that I need to go through this to be able to do the things God has called me to in the future. I am clinging to that. There is a purpose. I do not understand, and they way is lonely, and sad and dreary, but one day sun will shine on my life and this will all be a distant memory. Thank you for your prayers!!
The title of my blog is lyrics from a song I listened to as a child. The ambulance sucked haha. Also, since I like to post picture of my makeup, and my hair and stuff in these blogs, here is how crappy I looked in the hospital :) enjoy the au natural:
No comments:
Post a Comment