February 8th, 2016

                I didn’t fully understand myself growing up. Isn’t that true of most of us? I never really felt like I fit in. I hated high school. I kept to myself. I dreaded going every day. I couldn’t stand being around so many mean people. I was insecure and I was scared of what people thought of me every single day.

                I didn’t understand myself until July 2011. I had just had my first knee surgery. Only 2 weeks earlier, I had still been on crutches, hobbling around. I went to Honduras that summer. I climbed a mountain and I experienced Jesus in a way that I had never experienced Him before. I understood who I was and who God had created me to be. It was a wonderful feeling. I was crying and smiling most of the time. I had never felt that kind of joy and heartbreak all at once. It was a strange emotion.

                Let’s fast forward to my freshman year at Bethel. I had never been so happy in my life. God gave me the greatest friends. I felt free to be who I was around them. I didn’t feel insecure, and I didn’t feel lonely. I had never felt so happy in my entire life. It was a magical time of growing up, leaving home and feeling independent and on my own. It was an incredible feeling.

                And then two weeks into my second semester, I had a really bad dislocation. It was a dislocation that would lead to three knee surgeries in a year and a half. Once those surgeries started, I entered into a deep depression. I wish that I could explain it to you. I didn’t care anymore. There were times when I felt like I wasn’t even myself. I was so lonely. I had never felt such sadness. I wasn’t keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus. I was instead, setting them on myself. I was chasing after things that I thought would bring me happiness. I wasn’t myself, I was the ugliest opposite of who God had created me to be.

                Slowly, and painfully, I crawled out of that. God surrounded me with friends and family to lift me up and to shine bright again. And I decided to go to Honduras. It was an incredible week. I cried, I laughed, and I did the two at the same time. And God told me I would move there. There were a lot of people who told me that I never would. There was a lot of doubt, even in my own mind. I am not super independent, I don’t like to take risks, I am a planner and I like to be in control of what is going on. So to anyone from the outside, it really did look like I would never actually go through with the plan of moving to Honduras.

                But I did it. Or rather, God gave me the courage to do it. Now, I know that I was only there for two months, but I loved those two months. They were really hard, and I cried a lot and I wanted to give up. I wanted to come home so many days, but I knew that this is where God had me. I knew that I needed to be there. So I stayed, and I told myself that God was going to give me the strength to get through it.

                I was so confused when I got sick. I was more confused when I had to come home because I was sick. I was so scared of what everyone was going to say. I knew that so many people had invested into me. So many people were believing in me and they helped me to believe in myself. I had to come home though. I felt like something was wrong with me.

                And here I am. And I don’t know why I am typing this story today. I opened my computer with an entirely different idea in my head. I am a very emotional person. I feel things so deeply, both good and bad things. I understand myself. I understand that God gave me a heart that breaks so easily. He gave me a heart that feels such deep sadness for the world around me. He gave me a heart that loves more sincerely and more seriously than most peoples. He gave me such joy, unspeakable, and almost unexplainable joy. He has given me this gentle spirit and calm demeanor. And I could never understand why. I don’t understand why it hurt me so much when people joke around with me. I never understood why people’s words, whether good or bad, meant so much to me. And today I was reading in my Bible. Psalm 139. And it says that I am fearfully and WONDERFULLY made. And how true is that? I feel like there are so many of us who see all these “negatives” in our lives and think “well, if this was gone, I would be perfect…” or “if I had more of this is my life, I would be a better person.” It really just hit me that these are all lies. I believe far too often that something is wrong with me because I have a soft heart. I believe that I am dumb or stupid because God created my mind to run at a slower pace than some people. I have believed that I am not good enough because of where my depression lead me. And I have believed all these lies, even though I know that they aren’t true. And I am sure that there are others who are in the same boat as me.

                I don’t know why I am writing this post. I have no idea. I just know that God put this on my heart today and I felt like I needed to write it. I want to encourage you to think over your story. Where are you now? And where are you headed? We serve such an incredible God. If you can’t see how much progress He has made in your life, just pray and ask Him to reveal His truth to you.  God is really working on me. And I asked Him to. I don’t want to be where I was. I want to be where God wants me to be, who God wants me to be. I think this is a year for change, not just in my own life, but all around me. God wants to remake us into something beautiful. He wants to take out the lies that we believe, the insecurities that we hold on to, the pain of what has happened to us, and He wants to fill those spots with this love, joy, grace, peace, healing and mercy. I love that.

That’s all I have for today. I am still trying to develop this idea.