Disney Princesses

I was coloring this evening and I decided to dedicate one of my posts to the wonderful world of Disney.

Disney has a lot of Princesses, and sometimes it seems like there is no criteria for princesses. For example, some pictures include Wendy Darling who was not actually a princess at all, but rather a young woman kidnapped by an elf man with a fairy as a best friend. So my official list of Disney Princesses are:

Snow White
Cinderella
Aurora/Sleeping Beauty
Belle (Beauty and the Beast)
Ariel (The Little Mermaid)
Mulan
Pocahontas
Jasmine (Aladdin)
Merida (Brave)
Tiana (Princess and the Frog)
Rapunzel (Tangled)
Giselle (Enchanted)
Anna and Elsa (Frozen)

Now I will compile my lists of favorite movies in order (minus Sleeping Beauty and Brave because I have never seen Sleeping Beauty and I just didn't like Brave... I didn't even finish it)

1. Tangled- I loved everything about Tangled. I love the story line, the music, the dreamy guy and the villain. Tangled is definitely number one on my list. Besides there is no other Disney Princess movie in which Brad Garrett voices a ruffian and sings about playing the piano, so major points there. Plus who doesn't love Maximus?! Hello!! He is a horse that acts like a dog.

2. Enchanted- Honestly I have no idea why Giselle is not considered an official Disney Princess.... I understand that most of this movie is not animated, but the beginning is and I think it is ridiculous that she is still not a princess. Plus hello, this movie had an amazing cast! First off, Amy Adams is cute enough to be a real Disney princess... Susan Sarandon is FABULOUSLY fierce... James Marsden and Patrick Dempsey are both Studs, and Idina Menzel gets turned into a princess at the end, which is basically perfect. Also, Pip is adorable and he holds a special place in my heart... except the animated Pip. Animated Pip is annoying.

3. Frozen-Yes, it just came out and yes it is probably in this spot because I have seen it in the theaters twice in the last week. This movie is wonderful because unlike most princess movies, you can not predict this movie. Trust me, I thought I had everything figured out and then all of a sudden everything changes. I liked this movie for several reasons.... 1. There is a song called Reindeers are Better than People, so you know its going to be an instant classic. 2. Indina Menzel and Kristin Bell are both worthy to be princesses... or even queens 3. The music was insane! Seriously wonderful. I have listened to it several times and have strained my vocal chords singing along to it. Let It Go is my favorite and I pretty much feel like I can walk on clouds when I sing it. 4. I can totally relate to both Elsa and Anna. I love the winter, I am super awkward and my sister will never build a snowman with me. Also, I have the ability to create snowflakes when I twirl my hands.....;)

4. The Little Mermaid- I just really love the music in this movie and so that is why it is in this place. Ursalla and her poor unfortunate souls used to scare me, I wanted Flounder to be my sidekick, I learned what a dinglehopper is, and I love aquatic life forms.

5. Beauty and the Beast- I love Belle. She is super classy and super smart. I love the music in this one as well, although I like the Prince better when he is in Beast form. Prince Adam looks weird. I also like this movie because my favorite song about the ghetto is a parody of one of the songs in the movie. Also Belle's gold dress and the Beast's blue suit are simply smashing together. I love Gaston because no one is like Gaston as he sings for us in the movie, and especially because he uses antlers in all of his decorating. He might be my favorite Disney Princess...

6. Aladdin- Jasmine is legit. She just does her thing. She truly is the Royal that Lorde is singing about as exhibited by her tiger. I love Jasmine's eyes and my favorite love song is A Whole New World, so this just makes sense to me. And Robin Williams as a blue genie is wonderful.

7. Cinderella- Though she is pretty much my favorite princess, I don't actually care for the movie all that much.... I only put it here because I thought that it should be ranked higher than Pocahontas... I love Cinderella and her Fairy Godmother, but I am still not a huge fan of the movie. Especially when the version with Brandy and Bernadette Peters is WAY better. But because it is one of the first movies I remember watching as a child I put it at 7 instead of 8.

8. Pocahontas-I have heard a wolf cry to the blue corn moon and I have asked the grinning bobcat why it grins (Its because it had just attacked a deer... it was probably Bambi.) I just really like this movie. I wasn't allowed to watch it when I was younger though because of the talking grandma in the tree. For being a tree though, that old lady has some pretty good advice. Also Meeko is my favorite Disney sidekick ever! I think he and I could be best friends. And yes, I did have a problem because she ended up with the wrong John, but in the second one, she gets that situation under control. I also enjoy Pocahontas because when you are at Rivervalley staff lake day, you and your friend Jess Strantz can row a canoe and sing Colors of the Wind and that sort of event bonds a person for live.

9. Mulan- I like Mulan, and it would probably be higher on the list if I had started watching it when I was a child. Alas, I only watched it for the first time this summer. Mulan has some important life lessons. 1. If Eddie Murphy comes to guide you on a quest to save all of China, you know that you are doing something right with your life. 2. Soldiers really want a girl worth fighting for. 3. Its okay to fall in love with a man when you your female self are disguised as a man. In the end, he won't decapitate you and he will forgive you and fall in love with you too. Fierce women are attractive to Chinese military leaders. 4. Get a falcon to do all of your dirty work. 5. Choose a man who is as swift as a coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, with all the strength of a ranging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon. Be his girl worth fighting for. Also the grandma is super adorable and she invented YOLO.

10. Snow White- I just don't really like this movie. I loved Mirror Mirror, which is the story of Snow White, but I just am not a fan of the Disney version. It could be because it was the first animated movie Disney made. I like the dwarfs and thats all. But if I ever had to dress as a Disney princess, I could pull off Snow White pretty well because I am so pale and I like my hair dark. Though I could also pull of short haired Rapunzel... Plus isnt it slightly creepy that the Prince kisses her in a glass coffin... and she is dead? Answer: yes.

11. The Princess and the Frog- I despise this movie. I really do. The only thing I liked about it was Charlotte and that's because Disney has never before created a character that is almost exactly like me. I love her dress. I am convinced that if I ever had to perform as a Disney character, I could nail the part of Charlotte perfectly. Not only are our names similar, but lets face it, you call can see me wearing a giant pink dress and doing everything in my power to dance with the prince. Yes. I am Charlotte. Also the whole dead lightning bug thing was completely adorable.

And that finishes off my list of Disney Princess movies and why I love them and why I don't. I have sufficiently wasted almost an hour of my time. I regret nothing.  

Reasons Why I am Single.

I know why I am single. I am a Christian girl, waiting for Jesus to send her a Prince. But I thought I should compose my list of other reasons why I am single. Here goes...

1. I really like to act stupid. Like sometimes I get so hyper and I can not stop laughing. Then I start to snort. And though some girls have a naturally infectious laughter, I just sound like a seal.

2. I enjoy staying in my house all the time and never making contact with the outside world. I don't like to go places. Seriously, my mother used to beg me to go to the mall with my friends.

3. I act like a freak. Maybe I am not acting and I really am a freak. But seriously. I can rarely turn off my silly to be serious for a moment. Also, I spend an unhealthy amount of time by myself watching Netflix or reading. One time after watching Spider-Man, I tried to climb my refrigerator. That was last summer.

4. I have a box of 120 crayola crayons and around 10 coloring books to go with it. I color when I get stressed. Yea... I color a lot. And maybe some guys equate crayons and pictures with 5 year olds.... what can I say?

5. I cry during movies all the time. For any reason. Happy or sad. I just can't help it. I once cried during an episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. I wasn't even crying because I was laughing so much. I was crying because the show was taking place at Disney World and Mickey, Minnie and Goofy came on the stage while fireworks were going off. I thought it was just so beautiful.

6. The music I listen to is rarely anything popular. I am like 6 years behind on the whole music thing. Seriously, my favorite song right now is Kiss Me Thru the Phone... it came out in 2008....

7. I see nothing wrong with wearing my princess crown all day. I am 78% sure that I am a Disney Princess.  I think princesses intimidate boys.

8. I am really lazy sometimes. And my clothes don't match. And I can be clingy, like dryer lint. And I can never make up my mind.

9. I am the youngest Master Angler in the state of Nebraska. What is this you ask? I caught a 22 inch large mouth bass when I was 6 years old. Yea, that's whats up. I love fishing and lipgloss.

10. I get sick a lot. Also I get injured a lot.

11. Also I am awkward. Which is why I am ending this list on 11 and not 10. I am not OCD.

So as you can see, to the normal pedestrian, I may seem like a catch ;) but now you all know why I am single. I could make a list of reasons why boys should date me... you could all pass that list out to all the single bachelors you know ;)

Go the Distance

So it shouldn't be a surprise to any of you that one of my posts is titled after a Disney song... but I was listening to it tonight and I just really felt inspired to write.

I really feel like I have no idea what I am doing with my life, and I know that God has a plan. For that reason, I am not too worried. But I mean I just feel like I am in this giant canyon. On one side there is my childhood and on the other side, my adult life is waiting to begin. (I mostly favor the kid side because HELLO... Disney movies and pillow forts) I have plans. I know what I want to do. I just feel like getting there is really difficult.

So anyways as I was listening to Hercules sing about how he feels like he is made for something greater, I decided that I too am made for something greater than this feeling of not knowing. Here are my favorite lines from the song:

I have often dreamed of a far off place...(I have felt the call to be a missionary ever since I was a little girl)

A voice keeps saying, this is where I'm meant to be...(I have heard Christ's voice so clearly when I am doing what He has created me to be. I really felt I was were I was supposed to be when I was in Honduras)

I will find my way, I can go the distance
I'll be there someday, if I can be strong
I know every mile, will be worth my while
I would go most anywhere, to feel like I belong

I know where I belong and I plan to run towards that place with all my might. I know that God is leading me and I know that every step I take moves me closer and closer to the place where I belong. There will be a day when I am doing what I feel like I have been created to do. I don't want to say that I am in a place where I don't belong. I feel like following Christ is a lot of waiting and growing and for that reason, I am okay where I am right now. 

Just my thoughts of the day. 

Giving Thanks

Wow. I have not posted in a long time, I just haven't had any inspiration lately. I feel inspired tonight. I feel inspired to talk about Christ and how thankful I am for His love and His grace.

I was listening to the song You Never Let Go by Chris Tomlin tonight, and I have to be honest... there are times when I feel like this song is just super cliche. Everyone wants to sing it. All the time. As I listened to it tonight though, I was really struck by the words. How wonderful is it that God never lets go? He is holding up no matter how messy and terrible our lives get. He is holding us in the good and the bad. When you stop and think of that, it is kind of incredible.

I also thought about how fake I have been recently. Maybe not so much fake as I was apathetic. Like I just really didn't care. I wanted to live my life the way that I wanted to live my life. I have really been wrestling with everything that my family has been through this year. I do not blame God for it, He has a purpose in everything, but at the same time, I was still pretty mad and irritated. It is discouraging to feel like life makes absolutely no sense. I have really had a hard time with it. As I was wrestling with this, I decided that I could just do my own thing. Christ was not the main thing in my life. I feel like I sound like a broken record. Why is it so easy for me to get caught up in my own world? I never understand. I have been taught this lesson time and time again. Doing my own thing never leads to anything good in my life. Ever. And yet every once and a while I decide to try it again, hoping that I am wiser and maybe this time, I can make my plans work. They still don't.

I really don't want to be a lukewarm Christian. I get so fed up with myself. Every fiber of my being desires to be sold out, living only for His glory. The other day in church we were singing a song about God being all we need, that He satisfies all of our needs and I had to stop singing because those words didn't feel real to me. I know in my head that He is all I will ever need, but my heart always has a hard time believing that.

So tonight, I am thankful for His never ending grace. I am thankful that when I run into my own little world, God still loves me and He is just waiting for me to come back. And when I come back, He is always waiting with His arms of love wide open. And I can crawl into them and be like Buddy the Elf and sing "I'm here with my dad, I'm here now. I found you, daddy. And guess what? I love you, I love you, I love you" 

Thoughts by Char... How Spooky

So I haven't written in a while. I suppose that it is time to have a melting pot of my thoughts because I have a lot of them recently.

First off, tomorrow is Hello Kitty's birthday and we all understand how much I love hello kitty, so happy birthday to her.

Secondly, I am so happy to be back home. I had a wonderful time in California, but I love being at home with my family and back into the familiar routine of my normal life. I have started to look for jobs everywhere and I have put my resume out and filled out applications like crazy. I have also been filling out scholarship applications and deciding what I am going to do next semester.

When I am not looking for a job, I listen to a lot of music and watch a lot of crime shows, because that's how I roll. I currently love the songs Just Give Me a Reason, Marry Me by Jason Derulo (and everything by him pretty much lol) I really like the show Police Women of any and every city and I like shows about game wardens. I really live a terribly exciting life.

I do not think that there is a whole lot that I want to say tonight. I am busy, but at the same time I have a ton of time to myself. I really am enjoying this time in my life. I am ready for what God has for me in the future though. I also started a new blog! Which I will be updating next! I pray this post finds you well and that you are living in happiness and the love of Christ.  

California BABY!!!! and other news about my life

So I figured that it is time to update my wonderful readers! I am leaving for California in 2 days!! I fly out on Thursday and I come back the following Friday! I am beyond excited for my trip! It gave me something to look forward to after this bummer of a summer. But I won't talk any more about that, because I have bigger news!!

After hearing a lot of different suggestions about which YWAM I should look into and after praying about it, I have finally picked a location! In the Spring of 2015, I will be traveling down to Kauai, Hawaii for YWAM's Discipleship Training School. This specific location if focused on Mercy and Evangelism, which are two of my biggest Spiritual gifts. This location also goes overseas to help organizations who deal with prostitution recovery and human trafficking. It literally has everything I was looking for! Now begins the process of raising money for everything. I will be gone for 7 months and with fees and everything, I will need about $8000. Its a crazy amount, but God called me to this, and I know that He will provide.

In other news, I am doing okay with recovery. My pain has spiked back up again, which is not good, but it is all a part of the process. I have been hopeful these past few weeks about what God has in store for me and where He is leading me. I am eager to begin my adult life!

Worship Music and Wednesday night thoughts

I really enjoy worship music. I love the lyrical way that a picture is painted. That picture so beautifully reflects who Christ is.

When I was younger, we would sing the song Better Is One Day. The chorus says: Better is one day in Your courts, better is one day in Your house, better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere. And in my little 8 year old mind, I thought that the words didn't make sense. I thought that there could be nothing greater than spending a thousand days at Disneyland. The song never made sense to me until I sang it a few years ago and I was overwhelmed by how true those words were. I cannot imagine being in the presence of the Lord for even a few moments. There would be nothing in this world that could compare to that.

I feel like my life has been void of powerful encounters with God lately. Last year I went to chapel three times a week, and some Tuesday nights I would go to a church service, and I went to church on Sundays. Almost everyday I had the opportunity to worship with a community of believers. I am not saying that I can't worship now on my own, but there is something so powerful that happens when you are singing praises to the Creator of the World surrounded by your friends and family. It is in that time that I can clearly see the face of God and I can hear His words and I can feel His presence. I miss that so much. I miss the wonderful experience of worshiping with other believers.

I am still unsure how God is going to use me, but I have no doubt that it is going to be soon, and I know that it is going to be in ways that I can't imagine. And until that day comes, I am going to do what Elsa the Honduran woman told me to do and I am going to worship him, worship him, worship him.

Beware of Christians

I watched a movie a few days entitled Beware of Christians and oh my goodness did it get me thinking.  Instead of typing my usual sob story of how much being in a cast sucks, I am going to share the insight that I gained after watching this movie. Here is the description of it to spark your interest and entice you to go and watch it: Four college students travel to Europe to escape their routine faith and gain a radically new perspective on following Jesus.

The movie opened with this quote, so I find it appropriate that I should too. Take a moment to let it sink in. 
The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable -Brennan Manning

I am tired of Christians. I am tired of belonging to a "brand" of humans who don't live up to the name. I am tired of being hypocritical. I am tired of standing in one place, when God has called me to go. I do not think that we understand what it means to be a Christian anymore, or maybe we do and we choose to ignore it. Being a Christian is one thing, being a follower of Christ is another. It is easy to say a small little prayer and ask Christ into our life. It is difficult to surrender that life completely over to Christ to let Him be our captain.  I believe with my whole heart that you are saved with you acknowledge that God sent His son Jesus to die for the sins of the world, and after He died, he rose and went back to Heaven until He one day returns to bring us home. I believe that being a follower of Christ is accepting that above statement, and devoting your life towards being like Jesus. 

As I watched the film, I became anxious and restless. I didn't just want to be watching, but rather living out the points that they made on the screen. The revelations that they came to were nothing new, but I think that we too often forget what it looks like to follow Christ. How can we lead others to Christ when we are selves are not living the way that He desires us to live?

Disney, Christmas and Monk

I haven't written in 15 days, this post is overdue. I don't really feel like updating you on how I am feeling. The cast is off. I will say that.


I am writing today's post for a few reasons. 1. I wanted to update you on my Disney watching adventure. 2. I want to tell you how excited I am for Christmas music and 3. I want to tell you how completely sad I am that MONK is over for me. So without further-a-do...

1. As some of you may now, I have made it a mission to watch every single Disney and Disney/PIXAR movie (with a few exceptions, such as Halloween movies and others). I will never reach this goal. Here is a link to all of the movies: http://www.disneymovieslist.com/disney-movies.asp
I thought that I had watched a lot of Disney movies, but as I look at the list, the ones I have watched was shorter than the ones I haven't watched, excluding sequels...because just no. I just want to watch the ones on Disney Scene It so that I can crush people.
 This week I did watch several Disney movies, and most of them I deem completely inappropriate for children. There is some pretty heavy stuff in these movies. I will admit that my heart was racing a few times. So I am giving you a short list of Disney movies that my children will not be allowed to watch, nor will I ever show to a child.  

1. The Fox and The Hound- what some view as a cute movie about friendship, I view as the director setting your heart up to be broken, multiple times... in the first 2 minutes and then the rest of the movie. I seriously wanted to cry and this is a cartoon, it is made up. I will not put my children through heart break that young.

2. The Great Mouse Detective- OKAY SERIOUSLY. I have some really strong feelings about this movie. I wanted to punch the screen. I had to turn it off at one point because I seriously was terrified. There is this creepy bat that has red eyes and a serial killer voice that jumps out and I kid you not, my heart stopped. I WILL NEVER LET A CHILD WATCH THIS MOVIE. It is not just the bat. The villain is a complete creep who gets even worse at the end when he literally looks like a crazed rat who could eat human flesh. The fat mouse gets drunk, there is death and a slutty little female mouse at the bar where there is a huge bar fight, and more drunken mouses (get over it, I don't like mice ;) see what I did there?) The Great Mouse detective is terrifying and it should be burned for forever.

3. Atlantis- while I enjoyed this movie, I feel there are some elements that may be unsuitable for children.

4. The Hunchback of Notre-Dame- if you think that my #2 reason is long, let me tell you a few things about this movie. 1. I know that it is a classic book, good for it. It should have remained a book. 2. I know that it is teaching children that it is what is on the inside that counts, and that's a good lesson and all, but seriously this adult book should not have been made into a children's movie. I really enjoyed it, and I found myself tearing up. There were parts of it that made me go awww and then there were parts of it that made me want to smash my television because I could not stand the corruption. I do not think that children could even understand the plot of the story, and maybe that isn't the point, but they didn't do a good job of turning a heavy book into a light and cheery children's movie. There were some parts of it that were just so demonic and then there were parts that were downright creepy. I recommend it for adults... never, ever, ever children though. Also if you want a song about how the body of Christ should truly be, listen to the song Esmeralda sings while she is in the Cathedral, seriously it is intense.

5. The Rescuers- I love the Rescuers Down Under, but the first movie was a tad disappointing, first off the villain is scarier than Cruella DeVil, and we all know that she is the devil in cartoon form. The Rescuers was just creepy. And a mouse gets drunk, and the villain dress provocatively.

Now that I have told you about the horrible movies I watched this week, I rewatched the Emperors New Groove, and I love that movie. Then I watched Kronk's New Groove and it was like 5 times funnier. So go with those movies, or Peter Pan if you want to watch a Disney movie.

Point 2- I watched the Christmas episode of Cake Boss and now I just want it to snow and I want to listen to Christmas music all day and watch Christmas movies every weekend. But also, fall just began and I love fall, so I don't want to rush it out the door.

Point 3- My mom and I began to watch Monk this season, and today closed that chapter. To begin, I have never been a fan of crime shows, but I really liked Monk. Like I loved Monk. I cried, I laughed and I fell in love with Dandy Disher who is literally my new fictionally boyfriend! (sorry Peter Pan) I really enjoyed the series and I was really sad when it was all over. I honestly can say that it is one of my favorite shows. You know when you watch the final episode of FRIENDS and the door closes on the last scene and a little part of your heart breaks inside... that is what happened to my heart today. Monk was a great summer series.

So that concludes my blog. I went to a wedding today for a friend, who is more like my sister and it was wonderful, then I finished Monk, whined about my pain a lot, took my first online History test and watched Whose Line Is It Anyways. I am a tired girl tonight. I had a hard day, and I won't be going to church because of the pain. So Hello to all of my lovely RiverValley friends!! Praise Jesus extra hard for me ;) Just kidding, He and I will have some praise time tomorrow :) Thanks for checking out my blog and feel free to ask me my opinions on anything Disney, actually on anything at all :) I'm bored! Goodnight!

Trips in the Ambulance like rides at the County Fair

Wow guys. What a week it has been. COMPLETELY CRAZY!!! And I am exhausted. I wanted to fill you in on all of the little details. Though I have given large chunks of the story on Facebook, there are still quite a few holes.

I want to first begin by wishing good luck to all of my Bethel friends who started back to school! I hope that you all have an incredible week.

I also wanted to thank everyone who has come to visit, sent me messages to let me know they are praying, and everyone who is praying for us.

This summer has been completely difficult and there are times when I act like this is just life, and that everything will be okay. But I have struggled this whole summer trying to make sense of how God could even let this happen. I get really frustrated and alone. It hurts when people say they will come to see you, and they never do... it hurts to feel alone, but feel too sick to be with people. It has been frustrating.

Lets start on Tuesday morning. I went in to the hospital expecting that the doctor would be doing a minor procedure to fix my knee cap from still dislocating. Everything went fine. The got my IV in and even though the nerve block hurt like crazy, they eventually were able to completely numb my leg.

I woke up with a sore throat and I remember thinking, Man, my leg is extremely stiff. I looked down and there was a cast. To be honest, I really didn't think a whole lot about it because I was so out of it. I laid in the recovery room trying to wake up for a little over an hour. My surgeon came in and explained that the screw from my previous surgery had ended up cracking my tibia, and he had me in the cast to prevent my knee cap from slipping. They were pumping pain meds into me, but they weren't doing a whole bunch. You have to stay in recovery for 20 minutes after your last dose of pain medicine and I just wanted out of there, so I told her to stop and she moved me into the out patient hospital room. I was feeling fine. I got up to use the bathroom, I changed from the awful gown into my close and I ate some crackers. I really wasn't having a lot of pain. They said I could go home, but we had to wait for my wheelchair to be delivered. As soon as it had come and I had finished eating my dinner, I went home. It was around 6ish when we left the hospital. We stopped by my house for a few moments to pick up everything that I would need at my grandma's. I had planned to stay with her for the week because my mother still had school.

We got to my nanny's house and I got in pretty easily. I was making jokes with my family and eating normally. My mom stayed with me through the night so that she could wake me up to get me my pain medicine every two hours. I was on Norco, which is Vicodin, and Tramadol, which is a mild pain medicine that focuses on joint pain relief.  I have been on Tramadol since February and Norco since my surgery in May.

It was 4:30 when everything decided to go haywire. I think that my nerve block, which had done so well at keeping my pain at bay, had finally decided to wear off. The pain hit me so hard. There is nothing that I can compare it too, it was literally that bad. I laid in bed whining and crying for a half an hour, and then I decided to get up to use the bathroom. Before I even made it out of bed I began to throw up. I waited for a few minuted before trying again. Slowly I made it to the toilet, about 10 feet, if that, away from the bed. Then I got really pale, I thought I was going to pass out, the pain in my leg increased more, which I didn't think was possible, and I started to hyperventilate. Friends, if there was ever a time that I thought I was going to die, it was this time. I literally thought there is no way that I can handle this. I am going to die on the toilet. Like Elvis. My mom decided then that she wanted to call the ambulance to get me back into the hospital. It was around 6ish in the morning.

We waited for a while for them to show up, they put me on the stretcher and I am pretty sure that I was pretty much crying hysterically, but the medics were really nice. They got me into the back of the truck, and though you may think it is slightly more comfortable in there because its a mini hospital on wheels, you would be wrong. It was bumpy. And we had to go from South Bend to Elkhart General. They can not give you pain medicine and the ride is so cold that you feel you are in the arctic. I sat with a man who asked me tong of questions and kept checking my pulse and my blood pressure, which was super low from almost passing out.

As soon as we got to the hospital, and they had moved me into bed, I began to throw up again. It took them a while to get the IV in and order the medicine to take the pain down. It was a really hard time. Really really hard.

After they had put in the medicine, I began to relax. The pain had not subsided. She gave me two more doses. She also informed my dad and I that most people would have been knocked out with the first dose. Yea... didn't work so much for me.

Around noon they moved me up to a room in post op. I stayed there for two days and two nights. Nothing super exciting happened. I cried a lot, I was on a drip that was stronger than morphine, I had great nurses and I hardly slept. My mom stayed with me part of the first night, and Claire came to stay with my the second night.

I left around 2 on Friday and moved back to my grandma's house. That night while my mom and I were moving my knee cap had slipped a little bit, which may just be my leg adjusting to the surgery. That caused a lot  of pain though. So now I am at home. On a scale of 1 to 10, my pain still sits at a 10. I might just have to suck it up for a few weeks.

I am still just praising God that there will be a day when there is no more pain. There will be no more tears. No more mourning or crying. Praise God for that promise. I have tried this entire time to put on a smile face and tell everyone I am okay. I am not though. Its hard for me because I want to be positive all the time, and right now I just can't be. But this will pass.

My dear friend Garry Beckett shared a word that the Lord had spoken to him for me. He said that I need to go through this to be able to do the things God has called me to in the future. I am clinging to that. There is a purpose. I do not understand, and they way is lonely, and sad and dreary, but one day sun will shine on my life and this will all be a distant memory. Thank you for your prayers!!

The title of my blog is lyrics from a song I listened to as a child. The ambulance sucked haha. Also, since I like to post picture of my makeup, and my hair and stuff in these blogs, here is how crappy I looked in the hospital :) enjoy the au natural:

10,000 Reasons III

I know that I have been complaining a lot lately about my hard summer. I know that it wasn't exactly a happy thing to read. What can I say?! Free therapy.

But I don't want to complain tonight. My life is too wonderful. Despite the obvious reasons to be sad, God has given me so many wonderful blessings. So here I continue my list of 10,000 reasons to bless the Lord.

26. God's Protection
This week, I have almost been hit 5 times by a car this week. And I can not honk my horn for whatever reason. And please believe me when I say that none of them were my fault. But God is so much greater. God's protection is wonderful. I am so thankful for that.

27. My puppy
I didn't really used to care all that much for  my dog because she would bite me really hard when we played. She has gotten older now and she sleeps in my room every night. Even though she waked me up at 2 in the morning trying to get comfortable in her little doggie bed, I am thankful that I have a doggie to cuddle with and snuggle with.

28. Worship music
I always feel so incredible after singing praise to our God. I love to express my love to my Savior by lifting my voice. Sometimes songs can capture the exact way that you are feeling. I feel so connected to Christ when I am listening to uplifting and powerful worship music.

29. My surgeon
Now it may not be normal to thank God for putting someone on earth who has cut you open twice and is going back for another round. I am really blessed to have the surgeon that I have. Dr. Smucker is one of the most caring health professionals that I have ever met. When I went to schedule my surgery this week, I was by myself. I think he knew that I was pretty freaked out because he helped me get to the place where I needed to be, and he took extra time explaining what he was going to do. And while I wish that I was not having another surgery, I am thankful that he is the one doing it.

30. My health
It seems kind of crazy to say after the whole surgery thing, but I am so thankful that I am healthy. Knees can be fixed, and though it takes a while, and the chance of having pain free knees for the rest of my life is slim, I am thankful that I do not have something more serious. The fact is, I am going to live. I will recover one day. My heart breaks for those who live in constant pain. I hurt for those who will never know how it feels to recover from something. My pain is temporary, and aside from my genetically messed up legs, I am in good health.

31. The future
I am thankful that God has a future for me. I was complaining earlier because I didn't understand why God had asked me to take a huge leap of faith and quit school. But even though I cannot see the end of the road, I am walking in the direction of a bright and beautiful future perfectly designed by God, for me. Praise Jesus for that.

32-like 36ish. The women that Christ has placed in my life
I am so thankful for all of the Godly women who check up on me every time I see them. I am thankful for Louise Melander who hugs me every Sunday and asks me how I am doing, and reminds me that God has a plan. I am thankful for Gwen Trim who is more like a member of my family. She has done so much for me and she reminds me every time she sees me that she is praying for me. I am thankful for Mrs. Janet Fahey because not only is she the mother of my best friend, but she has prayed over me, she has listened to me, she has been concerned about me and she wants to be in "the know" about the happenings of my life. I am thankful for Stephanie Johnson who has stood by me since my freshman year of high school. And countless other women at Rivervalley.

37. Sleep
I haven't been on pain medicine this week in preparation for Tuesday and it has kept me awake at night. I am so thankful for the sleep that I get. It is so refreshing to wake up and not be tired. I love sleep. Thank God for rest!!

And I am going to stop there tonight, on an odd and totally obscure number. No matter how bad things get in life, there is always so much to be thankful for. I could not begin to count the number of ways that God has blessed me. Maybe this whole situation is not just me "getting hurt again" like I have heard so many times. I still view this as a spiritual refining process that I am undergoing. Good night my dear readers, find something wonderful to bless the Lord for today.

Suddenly

Today I was driving around the movie theater, waiting for Claire to come out. While I was driving, I had my iPod on shuffle and a song that I haven't listened to in a really long time. As I was listening to the song, I realized that I could relate with so many of the words. I wanted to share my thoughts and my feelings. So here is Suddenly by Superchick. 

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she's making might be taking her to who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

She feels locked in her own life 
Scared of what she might lose
If she moves away from who she was
And she's afraid of being free
There's a way she knows is right
And she can't feel the things she knows and so each step she's taking
Is a step of faith towards who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear
And the light is farthest back 
And through her tears
She can see the dawn 
Its coming skies will clear
And the light will find her where she's always been

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here


I highlighted the lines that stuck out the most to me. You see I am really good at feeling sorry for myself. Earlier this year when I decided not to go back to college, I thought that I was making the right choice. I knew in my heart that this is what I needed to do. But now, all my friends are going back. They will be starting a new chapter of their lives, and making new friends and new memories. I won't get to be there with them. It hard to have a picture of what your life is going to be like, and then watch that picture slowly fade and there is a new image emerging. I feel lost. I feel stuck. After weeks of recovery from one surgery, I have to start over with this upcoming surgery. I have no money, I have no community of people my age to be with right now and I might not have a job after my surgery. Things are a little bit out of control. And even though I know there is no possible way that I could afford to go back to college right now, I just have to ask God, what's the plan.

That feels like a question I have wrestled with and struggled with my whole summer. Maybe my whole life. What's the plan God? I know that he has one, I do not doubt it, but right now I feel like I am stuck and lost, waiting for this path to magically open up with a clear arrow that says my name.

But like the girl in the song, I always see that I am where I am supposed to be. After tears, and crying and pain, I am here where God wants me to be. And he has placed those dreams in my heart. They feel within arm's lengths, but every time I reach out to touch them, they slowly pull back farther and farther.

I am sorry that this isn't one of my happy posts. I have been feeling really down right now. But this is only the world. I know that there are better things ahead. I know that this surgery is only a minor set back, and that in a few weeks I will be better. But after you go through so much hard stuff, it gets more and more difficult to see the good stuff ahead. I need my friends the next few weeks. I need texts and calls and visits. I need laughter and happiness. I need God's strength to carry me, because on my own, I know that I am going to fail.

Suddenly, I am where I'm supposed to be. After all the tears, I'm supposed to be here.

Surgery 2

I am having surgery. I am having surgery in 6 days. That is less than a week. And I am freaking out. I wish that I could tell you that I am totally okay with this. I wish there was a way to be super positive, but I honestly just can't be right now. I know that I am blessed, and there are people who are in far worse conditions... but right now, I just want to be sad. So while I am being sad, here is some happy things about me :) and I would love to hear your answers. Also, please come visit me after surgery. I get bored and lonely.

List five things you want to do before you die? Travel to Ireland with the love of my life. Write a book. Have several children, or adopt a few. Sleep in an aquarium room, or the hotel under the sea. Buy an old bus, replace the seats with beds and travel the country with my best friends.

If you won the lottery, what would you buy? My dream house and James Franco to be my personal assistant. I would buy another huge house and stock it with clothes, shoes and make up and open a house to women leaving prostitution.

Starting School

OH MY GOODNESS YOU GUYS... I have listened to the song 22 by Taylor Swift a million and a half times in the last week. I usually don't like her, but I love this song. Its so perfect.

I just wanted to give you an update about the first day of school for Claire and I!!!

We got up really early compared to sleeping in until 10 and 11 everyday this summer. My mom got me up at 7:30 this morning. I didn't even know there was a 7:30 in the morning!!! It turns out there is one. And I only had my mom wake me up because alarm clocks give me mini heart attacks and then I get out of bed and my stomach feels nervous and then I don't feel real good. But we got ready and we looked super cute because we wanted to make a good impression. Then we loaded into my little Bug, realized that we forgot our water bottles, so we got them and pulled out of our driveway.

On the way to school, we waited on hold, on my phone, for about five minutes, we waited for a train and we listened to approximately two complete songs because of telephone conversations. We did not get lost whilst on our way to Ivy Tech. Which was super good because sometimes I am really bad with directions. We drove around the parking lot for a few moments, saw where all the "cool kids" hang out to smoke, prayed together and found a nifty little parking space. We walked up to my classroom together, and Claire went on from there. She did not want me to hug her.

Ivy Tech is different from Bethel by about a million and one things. First off, I love the idea of cheap education. Ivy Tech is really good in that aspect. My teacher really enjoyed cussing in front of the class and making crude jokes. I suppose that when you are teaching psychology, these things are acceptable. He was very rude, but I guess he was funny because the class was laughing at what he said. I thought he was being unprofessional. The girl next to me kept rolling her eyes and asking if we were in high school, and she got really frustrated every time the teacher said we needed to read the book, do online quizzes and assignments. Maybe she doesn't understand that college is actually work. She seemed grumpy to be there and her fake eyelashes were not glued on properly.

I sat through the entire class listening to the teacher explain that he does not take excuses, that he will not pretend that some stuff in the book is boring, that he cannot help one student without doing the same for everybody else and he said about 50 times that he will never actually care about us as students. Needless to say, I am no longer enrolled in psychology. Now I am just taking an online History class. I know, I shouldn't strain myself ;)

I am glad though that I have the opportunity to spend 30 minutes with my sister every day driving her to school. She is awesome. She had a good first day of college. Mostly her classes have to do with interior design. I think that she will do great.

I also met with the family that I am going to nanny for this year. They are really sweet. I think that I will enjoy it so much!

There are many promising things in the year ahead, and there is also a lot of uncertainty and fear that comes with growing up and deciding how to live my life.

Its a good day to be alive.

Monday

It has been two days since my last post... man I am getting really good at this whole blogging thing.

Oh friends, I am riding the struggle bus pretty hard core this week. I think the hot mess express is on its way. But seriously, it has been a rough week, and it is only MONDAY!!!! AHHHH! In my complaining though, I am still rejoicing in the blessings that I have. So here is a list of them, so you can rejoice with me:

1. I am getting in a lot of prayer time and Bible reading time. This is awesome. There is nothing to distract me because I have had nothing to do!!

2. I have spent a lot of time with my mother, and she is awesome and I love her a whole bunch. Seriously this is the highlight of my summer. Laying in bed and watching Monk is really fun!!

3. I get to drive! Which means rocking out to bad 80's music with my little sister and laughing at people that we see on the road. Except today... today I turned a corner and there was this kid in a striped shirt jamming out hardcore in his car and he looked so happy. And then I was like smiling because more people need to be like this kid. And we made super awkward eye contact for a few minutes and he made the "Charlotte" face and waved!!!! Then we passed each other and went on with our day. That was awesome.

This is what my friends refer to as the "Charlotte" face. 

4. I got to here a great message on Sunday and I got to worship with my friends. I love being in community.

5. My grandma got me a cupcake carrier and a hello kitty bag because she loves me. Also because I taught her how to use her iPad. Shes the nicest old gal on the block (Bonus points if you can name this movie.)

6. I have a job!! And I think that I will enjoy it, and I get to start next week!!! WOOHOO!!!

7. I got to see my friends from Honduras. And I got to celebrate one of their birthdays! And I got to hang out with the Gorman family and they make my heart smile!! (That's for you Michelle if you are reading ;)) And I got to see Jordan Melander who is a superhero and a wonderful friend! Again, I love community.

8. I finished my first week of class in one day. Like a boss. and I got an 85% on my quiz!! (it's all online!!!)

9. I get to see my besstest friend in the whole wide world LAUREN FAHEY this week. and I love her a lot and I can't wait to spend quality time with her lovely face!!!

10. My other best friend, Joe Rasbaugh, has literally listened to me whine and complain like everyday for this whole summer and he still talks to me. He deserves a medal, also he should count his blessings that he has never seen me cry because I look like a Kim Kardashian/Tobey Maquire cross. But he is great even when he insults me every night.

11. I talked to a really nice nurse on the phone today. She was very sympathetic and helpfully. I appreciated her very much.

12. I am in a great mood because I literally spent this whole weekend around people. I like community a lot.

So even in the midst of my heart aches, I am a blessed individual. And to be honest, I feel like a fraud typing that. I have been so negative about the developments in my recovery. It really is looking like surgery might be the only option at this point. I have done my therapy, and really tried on my own, but I have had three complete dislocations. And one of them while I was driving in South Bend by myself. I am tired of this and I just wish that there was a magic wand that could fix every little problem in my knee. But for the time being, I will take my Vicodin, which is starting to effect me a little bit more hehe :), and continue with my therapy.

God didn't promise an easy life. He said there would be trials. But I can not wait until I am with Him and there will be no more pain, after I have lived an abundant life of course.

So for all of you who think that I am being super positive about this, I am not haha! I have melt downs almost daily, and there is a lot of pain and hurting. But I have so much to be thankful for!! And if you want to pray for me, I would appreciate all of your prayers. God can do miracles and it feels like that is what I need at this point!!

On a side note, If you need a babysitter or a housekeeper or anything else this year, I am so available for hire, and I would love to help out!

Thanks for reading,
Char

Flaw Free

HI THERE! I am Charlotte and this is what I look like when I am writing a blog post.

Just like camping, you can tell that I am super intense (hehe)

I hope that you are settled in and prepared for an interesting trip because I guarantee (I literally just learned how to spell that today) that you will find just that on this blog. 

I want to talk about beauty because I am all for it. And when I am talking about beauty you know that it comes with a side of purity and a little bit of truth to add some flavor. 

I like summer. I like it a whole lot... except I don't like heat because it makes me sweaty and being sweaty is very far from beautiful. (mainly because super straight bangs absorb the sweat located on the forehead and then they turn into curly bangs that are wet.) So summer is awesome and stuff, but you know what isn't awesome... some of the "outfits" that are worn during the summer. Sometimes I think that girls have actually forgotten to put their pants on. Girls who forget to put on enough clothes kind of disgust me. I understand that it is hot out, but I guarantee that there are plenty of appropriate clothes that are cool and modest. So I would like to complain that some of these "outfits" are not beautiful. 

I would like to begin by stating a few facts, and they are all facts about myself, but I just want to paint a picture for you. By stating these facts I certify that I am an expert on the topic of inner beauty (and outer too) so you should listen to me and believe me! 

1. I am a plus sized girl. I have curves, but they are mostly there because I am a little bit chubby. 

2. I believed the lie that I was ugly for far too long. 

3. I am a firm believer that everyone is beautiful. Literally everyone. 

4. God does not make mistakes. He does not make junk. He has not messed up. 

5. I believe that when you are confident with your beauty on the inside, your beauty on the outside is majorly enhanced (i.e. You are smiling and you are carrying yourself with confidence. You are proud of the way you look and you present yourself in a manor that reflects how beautiful you are on the inside)

6. I believe that beauty on the inside is the most important thing for a woman to understand. I also believe that it is important to dress and present yourself in a way that lets others know that you are confident in your inner beauty. 

I think that there are many women, and even more young women who do not accept that they are beautiful. I am sure that there is something physical that each woman wishes she could change. I wish that I was a little bit thinner, or that I could never ever  ever get a pimple. 

Inner beauty is something that so many people struggle with. There are things that make our insides really ugly. Negativity, insecurities, sin, hatred, self-loathing, comparisons, lies that we believe, ect. There are some girls who get that beauty comes from what is in side. There are other girls who have heard that saying a million times and they roll there eyes and think that is the stupidest and biggest lie in the world. There are other girls who believe that they are ugly or that something is wrong with them. Before I get too far into telling you all how perfect you are, I just want to share a verse with you. This verse comes from Song of Songs, and that is a lovey-dovey book about two people who are like so in love, but I want you to remember that all scripture is inspired by God. When I read Song of Songs, I always imagine that it is a love letter that God has written to us to remind us how much He loves us. 

So the verse is Song of Songs 4:7 and it says: You are all together beautiful, my love, there is no flaw in you. 

Admit it, if a guy said that to you, you might go weak at the knees and your heart would probably speed up to a million beats per minute and you would just want to hug that boy and never let go. 

Well guess what? A guy did write that. And He wrote it to you. God literally thinks that you are perfect. He thinks your crooked smile is beautiful. He thinks your hair that will NEVER NEVER NEVER lay the right way is gorgeous. He just thinks that you are so incredible. I want to be real with you. So many girls who are insecure in who they are look to boys for acceptance and feelings of self worth. Are you one of those girls? I know that I was. Being told that you are pretty by someone is the greatest feeling in the world. It can put you on cloud nine. But the feelings that come from other people's compliments are only temporary. You should feel beautiful all the time because honestly, you are. 

Inner beauty is not something that can be achieved from a day at the salon. You can not find it in the compliments that your super cute crush gives you. Inner beauty can only be achieved through accepting who Christ made you to be. You can only truly love yourself when you accept how much Christ loves you. 

You have all heard this before, and maybe you are rolling your eyes at me because your youth leader tells you this every week and you still don't believe it. If you honestly think that all of this is junk, you don't have to keep reading. I do not think that someone can change your mind into accepting yourself as you are. I think it is a deep and spiritual process that only comes when you are confident in Christ. You want to know how you become confident in Christ? You spend time with Him. You read your Bible and you get to know His heart. You pray and sit in the silence and get to hear His voice. There is no magic pill to take away the negative feelings that you have about yourself. It is only through Christ. 

I mentioned above that I think outer beauty is important. I do not mean that I think that you should look like a super model in vogue. I do not mean that you should wear a ton of makeup to look pretty. I don't know how to put this any other way, so I am going to use myself as an example. I went through cosmetology school. I like to do my hair and I like to do my makeup. I do not think that my makeup, my hair, or my wardrobe is what makes me beautiful. I wear makeup because 1. I like to enhance what I already have and 2. I like to express myself through the way I dress up my hair and style my face (it is like art to me). I am just as comfortable in my make-up free face as I am with a smokey eye and lipstick. I feel that when you are comfortable on the inside, you will feel beautiful on the outside. It took me a very long time to understand what this meant. It is a feeling that I can not describe, except it is wonderful.  When you feel beautiful and confident on the inside, you want to look nice and you take pride in the features that God has given you. 

I said earlier that I believe everyone is beautiful, and I meant that. I have friends who wear makeup and look nice and pretty, but you can tell that they have insecurities. Even though they look amazing on the outside, you can just tell that inside they are miserable. Then I have friends who wear make-up, and they are confident in who they are, and they just look completely stunning. I even have friends who don't wear make-up, but they are confident in who Christ made them to be and they are just as pretty as the first two girls I described. God made us each so unique and wonderful, and because we are his creation, we are so beautiful. Beauty is never, ever, ever about what is on the outside. Ever. Beauty is what is on the inside. 

So now I want to share a few verses with you to remind you that you are beautiful. You are beautiful on the outside because God made you, and He never makes mistakes! And even if you don't agree, He still thinks you are stunning. And through him, you can be beautiful on the inside. And when that happens, that inner beauty will just shine through your whole body and make your outside beautiful too! 

Psalm 139:13-14: You created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  God does not make mistakes, He made you in His image. You are a likeness of Christ. You are His beautiful daughter. He took nine months to make you wonderful with no mistakes. 

Psalm 3:15: She is more precious than rubies and nothing you desire can compare with her. You are so special to God. He loves you so much. You are beautiful like a gem. You are perfect like a diamond. He cut you and fashioned you in a way that is gorgeous and shiny. You are His precious jewel. 

Proverbs 31:30: Charm is deceptive, and beauty will fade away, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.  Make-up, clothes, young looks, smooth skin, all that is going to end one day. You should not invest into how you look. Your investment should be in your relationship with Christ. There is nothing prettier than a woman who loves the Lord with all of her heart. 

1 Peter 3:3-4: Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. This means that what you look like on the outside is nothing compared to how much you love God. It means that you should let your beauty be from your heart, from the areas where you love God so much. External beauty will fade, but your heart for God is more beautiful than any makeup or outfit. 

Remember that you are flaw free. God thinks that you are beautiful everyday.You are His. You are loved. You are precious. You are beautiful. 

Un-Courageousness and Other Stuff Like Whales.

Deuteronomy 31:6 commands us to be strong and courageous. It says that the LORD will go with us. And He promises that He will never fail us, and He will never abandon us.

I think that this verse was written for me.

It's easy to get caught up in our lives. It's easy to forget that the Lord is going before us, and that He is on the look out behind us. Sometimes it feels like He isn't there. Like maybe He is on vacation to Hawaii, because there is someone there who needs Him more. I forget the first part of this verse a lot and I tend to focus on the last little bit. Especially during this time in my life. I don't really want to be courageous, I just want to go on with my life as scheduled.

We are called to be courageous which is defined as followed: Not deterred by danger or pain; brave. Hmm... let me just paint you a picture. I am a nervous person. Also I don't like to take risks, and I let the fear of injuring myself keep me from doing a lot of things. Yea... I am pretty sure that is the opposite of courageous. And I won't really give you the definition of strong because I am pretty sure that you can all define it your way. 


I am really good at trying to escape what God has called me to do. And guess why I do it... because I am a accident prone, nervous wimp. It's scary to listen to the things that God tells us to do. It is easy to ignore it and think that maybe one day we can do it. But what if we were courageous in everything we did? What is really the worst thing that could happen? The every next part of the verse literally says that the Lord is going to be with us. So you know, it's not like we have the most powerful being in all of Creation on our side. Why can't our brains connect those two things? (maybe yours does, but I know that mine sure doesn't)

And now I am going to move into a different topic, and hopefully somehow I will figure out how to make this post come full circle... 

I want to talk about loneliness because that is originally where I was going with this post. Hey for those of you joining Char's blog train that is already in motion, I struggle with loneliness. I'm going to be honest with you... I have a lot of acquaintances, and if I put in more effort, I am sure there could be really good friends, but I think that there is still a part of my heart that is super insecure, so I just like to stick with the friends that I already have. But anyways, I have felt lonely for as long as I can remember. I feel loneliest when I am by myself and either in a bad mood or hurting really badly and I feel super lonely when I am in a group of like 12 or more. I know it makes so much sense. I believe that God can heal me of this. I also don't think that any amount of acquaintances becoming friends will fix anything. (sorry for the rambling and small journal entry, I hope you all have enjoyed being my virtual therapists). 

In all honesty, I don't always acknowledge the fact that I am never truly alone. God literally says that He is never going to abandon me. That means that He is always there. No matter what. I forget this so much, and I don't think that I am alone in this thought. We can never escape him. (Check out Romans 8... no I am being serious.) 

I just find this verse really encouraging, and maybe you can't tell that from my rants above. But it is such a beautiful verse. In all of our fear and "un-courageousness" (totally made that up) we have a strong God who is not going to abandon us or let us fail. He is not going to let us do the scary things alone. He promises that he will be with us during everything. I don't know about you (but I'm feeling 22... oh wait), but this verse makes the big and scary things less intimidating. It means that even nervous, hurting, weak little me, can do something insane for Christ's glory. 

I want to ask you all to just stop and think for a moment. Is there anything that God is asking you to do that you don't want to do because you are fearful? Is there anything that you are trying to run so far away from and forget because you just don't want to do it? I am sure that you are all aware the running from the Lord is something that I am really good at doing. I have been called to be a missionary... do you know how scary that is? I am good at running. I am good at throwing little pitty parties for myself and telling myself that no one understands me and that I am all alone. I am really good at it you guys! So please, please, please learn from my mistakes of being un-courageous and fearful, and just listen to what God is tell you to do. And if my blog posts aren't enough to motivate you to move into action, then you can go to this little book in the Bible called Jonah (or you can watch the VeggieTales movie entitled Jonah and the Whale) and read about what will happen if you decide to run away from that little voice in your heart. You will get swallowed by a big fish! I kid you not. That fish might look different. His name might be guilt or depression or emptiness. 

Just listen for a few moment and see what God is telling you to do. He is always ready to speak, just quiet your heart and listen. 

I am a Sinner

We are sinfully people. There is not one man or one woman on this earth who has not sinned. There is no one void of any fault or blame. Sin entered the world when the very first couple decided to do things their way instead of God's way... and sin will be here until the last person on earth is dead.

Isn't it kind of sad that we screwed up something beautiful... God had spent all this time making such a pretty place for his creations to live, and we screwed it up. Imagine spending so much time working to perfect something only to have something, that you created, even though you told it not to, come and destroy it. (I don't even know how to begin to fix the grammatical errors on the previous sentence.)

Can you imagine a perfect world? I cannot begin to fathom what this world was supposed to be like....

I was thinking tonight about sin. And I was thinking how frequently we do it. Or how frequently we try and justify the sin that we are in. Sin is sin. There is no getting around it. We are ugly people who have nasty, dirty and sinful hearts. We really deserve nothing. We are constantly letting down the Man who has given us life. We break His heart everyday. Does this upset you as much as it upsets me?! I don't understand how someone who could wipe us off the entire planet, and start over, can love a bunch of messy, ugly black-hearted people.

But somehow, He does. He loves us so much. I don't get it. I don't understand how the Creator of the entire world can love a bunch of people who constantly break His heart.

And worst of all, sometimes we don't even acknowledge our sin... we try and justify it. Like somehow we think that we can make it okay. We can read our Bible for an hour to cancel out the lie that we told earlier. Or we can go to church every Sunday to make up for all the times that we have made TV an idol. I DON'T GET IT.

But, I don't think that I need to get it. I think that knowing that I don't understand Christ's love is okay. I am so thankful that I am forgiven. I am forgiven for every time I tell a little white lie, I am forgiven for every mean and hurtful thing I have ever said to someone. I am forgiven for my pride.

It's all about grace. By the grace of God, I am forgiven.

I just want to remind you of a verse that can hopefully encourage you if you find yourself feeling guilty or if you are trying to understand grace and love and you just can't get it.

2 Corinthians 5 says:

17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.[b] The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 18 All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; 19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling[c] the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 21 For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

We are no longer an ugly, black-hearted sinner. You are forgiven, I am forgiven, only through Christ's grace. He doesn't have a tally going to see how many times you mess up, He wipes the slate clean. Through Jesus, we are reconciled, we are healed, we are forgiven, and our hearts are made to be as white as snow.

Sinning is inevitable, we are humans, but forgiveness is eternal and unconditional and never ending when we ask our Maker for it. Praise God for His endless mercy and abounding love.

Come to Jesus and Live.

Okay, and now it is 1:30 and I have something else to say. First off, Joe Rasbaugh is one of the greatest friends ever and he is super good and listening and dishing out the truth. Secondly, I was listening to worship music and the song "Untitled Hymn" really spoke to me. Also Ecclesiastes 3 was on my mind. I had something profound to say, but I am too tired to say anything. :) Please enjoy the verses and the song. 

Ecclesiastes 3 says:  

1 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.

Weak and wounded sinner 
Lost and left to die 
O, raise your head, for love is passing by 
Come to Jesus 
Come to Jesus 
Come to Jesus and live! 

Now your burden's lifted 
And carried far away 
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so 
Sing to Jesus 
Sing to Jesus 
Sing to Jesus and live! 

And like a newborn baby 
Don't be afraid to crawl 
And remember when you walk 
Sometimes we fall...so 
Fall on Jesus 
Fall on Jesus 
Fall on Jesus and live! 

Sometimes the way is lonely 
And steep and filled with pain 
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then 
Cry to Jesus 
Cry to Jesus 
Cry to Jesus and live! 

O, and when the love spills over 
And music fills the night 
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then 
Dance for Jesus 
Dance for Jesus 
Dance for Jesus and live! 

And with your final heartbeat 
Kiss the world goodbye 
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and 
Fly to Jesus 
Fly to Jesus 
Fly to Jesus and live!