Suddenly

Today I was driving around the movie theater, waiting for Claire to come out. While I was driving, I had my iPod on shuffle and a song that I haven't listened to in a really long time. As I was listening to the song, I realized that I could relate with so many of the words. I wanted to share my thoughts and my feelings. So here is Suddenly by Superchick. 

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she's making might be taking her to who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

She feels locked in her own life 
Scared of what she might lose
If she moves away from who she was
And she's afraid of being free
There's a way she knows is right
And she can't feel the things she knows and so each step she's taking
Is a step of faith towards who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear
And the light is farthest back 
And through her tears
She can see the dawn 
Its coming skies will clear
And the light will find her where she's always been

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here


I highlighted the lines that stuck out the most to me. You see I am really good at feeling sorry for myself. Earlier this year when I decided not to go back to college, I thought that I was making the right choice. I knew in my heart that this is what I needed to do. But now, all my friends are going back. They will be starting a new chapter of their lives, and making new friends and new memories. I won't get to be there with them. It hard to have a picture of what your life is going to be like, and then watch that picture slowly fade and there is a new image emerging. I feel lost. I feel stuck. After weeks of recovery from one surgery, I have to start over with this upcoming surgery. I have no money, I have no community of people my age to be with right now and I might not have a job after my surgery. Things are a little bit out of control. And even though I know there is no possible way that I could afford to go back to college right now, I just have to ask God, what's the plan.

That feels like a question I have wrestled with and struggled with my whole summer. Maybe my whole life. What's the plan God? I know that he has one, I do not doubt it, but right now I feel like I am stuck and lost, waiting for this path to magically open up with a clear arrow that says my name.

But like the girl in the song, I always see that I am where I am supposed to be. After tears, and crying and pain, I am here where God wants me to be. And he has placed those dreams in my heart. They feel within arm's lengths, but every time I reach out to touch them, they slowly pull back farther and farther.

I am sorry that this isn't one of my happy posts. I have been feeling really down right now. But this is only the world. I know that there are better things ahead. I know that this surgery is only a minor set back, and that in a few weeks I will be better. But after you go through so much hard stuff, it gets more and more difficult to see the good stuff ahead. I need my friends the next few weeks. I need texts and calls and visits. I need laughter and happiness. I need God's strength to carry me, because on my own, I know that I am going to fail.

Suddenly, I am where I'm supposed to be. After all the tears, I'm supposed to be here.