Honesty is the best policy

I believe in being transparent. I like to be an open book. I want to be honest. So this blog post is dedicated to honesty. I do not intend to sugarcoat and soften the way I am feeling. I do not want to staple a pretty bow to my problems to make them look less eerie. I want to be honest. I intend to open up my heart and share the truth that sits.

I hate not being able to be on my feet. I can not stand lounging in bed day after day because walking too much is a chore. I am bored out of my mind from staring at my iPods screen, then my TVs screen, then my computer screen. Not having your regular freedom sucks. Its been 9 weeks and I think I lost my brain somewhere around two. I know that this recovery is temporary, and I will soon be able to resume all my normal activity. My eyes have been open to the frustration that those who have no freedom because of pain or illness must feel. I can not imagine not living my entire life doing everythinng I want to do.

You know what else? I am lonely. I am seriously amd deeply without a shadow of a doubt lonely. I do mot say this to guilt any of my friends into coming to see me. Loneliness has been a constant struggle for me. There is no number of friends that could take that away. I don't know when the feeling of loneliness started, but I do know that Christ is the only one who can take that feeling away. I desire to have deep and meaningful relationships with people, and yet those relationships seem very far and few between. Being in bed though stirs up the feelings even more. Yes I have my family. Yes my friends come over, but there is still this unwavering deisre for companionship. And I do not believe that any human will be able to fill that. Maybe they can push the feeling to the. Back of my mind for a few moments, but in my deepest part of my heart there is a lonely whole.

Now this blog is not to complain or to show you how utterly negitive I can be. I always know that this time in my life is temprary. It too shall pass. One of my favorite worship lines says, "though the sorrow my last for the night, His joy comes in the morning." praise God for that promise.

So let me continue is my pursuit to be honest. I can not stand the flavor of nutella. Seriously. I have tried it like four times, and every time I just uhhh... I dom't even like the smell.

I have believed the lie that there is something wrong with me. I am talking about a legitimate something. Not the fact that I sleep with a spiderman blanket and color in Hello Kitty coloring books. No. Combine the loneliness and the temporarily dropping out of college, and the being completely broke thing, and you have yourself a reason to believe that there is something wrong with you. Well...yeah I am not so normal all the time, but I am a child of God, and He created me in His image. And it all hit me tonight. After I had a slight mental breakdown and cried about not going back to Bethel... There is nothing wrong with me. It would not matter if I was smarter and had gotten a ton of scholarships, Bethel still wouldn't feel right. It doesn't matter that I have no idea what I am going to do this year, they are not my plans anyways. It doesn't matter that I am flat broke, God gave me parents who are still willing to pay for me. I am not normal. There is something wrong with me. I have decided to break out of these social expectations to pursue what God has called me to do. That's not normal. I am not normal because I can not live my life in a classroom learning about my calling when I can actually be living my calling.

So here is another confession for you... I wish that I was going to Bethel this fall. I told my dad this, and he rightfully let out a sigh. I said "I want to go to Bethel." i think the sigh was because I kept changing my mind earlier this summer. Amd after His sigh I said, "but I know I can't because God doesn't want me to." It is so hard to follow God's plan. It is not rainbows and butterflies. I am chosing to walk down an unknown path that will contain uncertainty about money, there may be times of loneliness and possibly going to another country. And if i had gone back to Bethel, I could have taken out loans to cover the cost, and I would be surrounded by my best friends all the time so loneliness would be distant and I would be in a land that I am comfortable with. But going down the second path would leave a small voice in my head reminding me every step of the way that I wasn't listening to God.

My dad told me tonight to hang in there and my response was what else can I do. This is my calling. This is who God created me to be. And its really hard.

So honestly, I typed this entire blog for my own benefit. Who knows, maybe one day I can use it in a book. And honestly, my hair is so ugly tonight thanks to a bleaching experiement gone horribly wrong and I wish that I had my freedom to go to walmart to get some hair dye to fix it.

And honestly, I love it when songs fit where I am at in life. Tonight, I was reminded of a song that I listened to by ZoeGirl when I was younger. Its called Beautiful Name and I am adding my favorite lines here: Your heart I seek to find, with Your hands You've fashioned mine. Let me be used by You to carry truth. To the ends of the earth, til everyone's heard, my mended heart will share Your word. I will tell the world that You are God! I will run, i will fly. I will live to be a sacrifice. Through it all, I'll rise above, unafraid I'll face what comes. And for my faith, I'll live and die. I'll be strong, I will press on for the sake of Your Beautiful Name.

I do not think that this next year will be easy. I do not think that I will get it all together. I think that there are going to be really hard days. But I am learning to die to myself to receive the life that God had ordained before I was born.

Honestly, I am struggling. I am lonely and hurting. I know though that no amount of human help will fill the voids in my heart. Christ is the only one who can do that.

Honestly, I am blesses beyond words. I am loved. I am cared for.  I have a family supporting me 126%.

Honestly, I am in love with spiderman.... Not really I promise. But i know more about him than any normal 19 year old should know.
And honestly, If you read this all the way through, and you are not my father, thank you for taking the time to listen. And thank you daddy for giving me the push to have the courage to say what I needed to say.  

About me

I own five pairs of yoga pants and about 50 pairs of socks that are not white. I sleep with 8 to 10 pillows every and I cover up with a Spiderman blanket and cuddle a quilt my grandma made me. It takes me at least a half an hour to do my hair and makeup on any given Sunday. I drink my milk out of mugs because I like the way a mug feels in my hand. I consider myself a writer, but I have had writers block for 5 or 6 months. I wanted to hug my surgeon and knee doctor during the appointment before my surgery. I make my family wear props when we ply card games because it makes me laugh. Speaking of card games, I turn into a freak when my family plays games. I have a Panda pillow pet.

I will know be posting this as my about me on youmustlovedogsdating.com because Yes, it is a real website.

I am still not so normal

I was sitting in my grandma's living room today doing my devotions and I realized that I haven't posted a blog about why I am doing what I am doing. And as a sidenote, I am tying this on the iPad so please ignore any mistakes...

I announced this week that I would no be going back to Bethel. I have struggled with my decision this whole summer and I kept changing my mind.... I knew in the deepest part of my heart that Bethel can not fill the empty void that has been growing and growing for many months. I am tired of America. I am tired of the hustle and bustle and hurried life. I despies the selfish and lethargic ways of the church and society as a whole. I can not stand the noise the plagues every moment of our lives.

I graduated from high school and went to college like society expects. And being at Bethel was great. I did enjoy so much of my time there, but the last semester, God really spoke to me. I am restless. I need to move. I have a void that needs to be filled. My soul is thirsting for something more.

We are called to be a peculair people, a royal preisthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God. We are to declare the praise of the one who called us out of darkness and into a wonderful light (1 Peter 2:9)  I am not supposed to be normal. My life can not be lived reading a textbook about change. I can only fulfill my lifes calling by evoking change. I do not want to live a normal life. I want to be so different. I want to move and shake and change the world around me. I do not want my spiritual life be dependent on the things I hear in church hoping that one day, when i grow up, i can go into the world and make a change.

I am not going back to Bethel because it is not what God has called me to do. Some of you may disagree, but I do not believe that college is for everyone. You can be sucessful without going college. For me, my sucess will be the number of people I can share Christ's love with instead of the number of 0's i have behind my salary. I have every intention of working to support myself. I know that in taking this step of faith, God will meet me and supply everyone of my needs. It may not be in my time, but i have full confidence that God will take care of me. At this point, i have every intention of returning to school once I get a feel for ministry overseas.

So for those of you who will read this, please pray for me. Please pray that I can follow God's plan for my life even when I have no idea what that looks like. Please pray that God can use me. Please pray for the spiritually dead who desire a drink of life from our Saviour. And please pray that I can raise the funds to follow what God has called me to do.

Fighting

Today was quite possibly one of the hardest days that I have had since my surgery. I am not doing so well with pain, but I guess I have become the master at holding my emotions in until I am on the brink of exploding. There were many tears that I cried today and for many different reasons. It is so easy for me to get caught up in my little world of hurt and pain, and that little world often overtakes me. I suppose that as I have been recovering I chose to occupy my mind with other things. Of course I can say that I trust God, but I am not sure how many times I believe that. In my heart I know that of course God has a plan in every situation in life. He has a plan and a purpose for my future, but I guess that I have been deceiving myself. Lately I have been trying to figure out things on my own. I keep trying to tell myself that I got this. I keep trying to ignore the messages that God is sending to me and I have been trying to plan my own life.

I am so scared of what will happen after I get my brace off. I am scared of the world that I will face when I am healed. For so long, my knees have held me back from accomplishing the things that I want to do. Now that I will be healed, I can do those things and I am terrified.

Tonight though, after talking to a great friend, I had the most amazing vision. I saw the Lord dressed in armor, with His sword drawn, facing forward. Behind Him, I stood. Next to me stood a line of my family and my friends, who I call family. And behind that line, a multitude of people stood. For so long I have believed that the fight I am fighting is my own to fight. But I have some incredible people who are standing behind me and beside me, fighting with me. I have my Mom who sacrifices so much of her time to drive me to doctors appointments. She loves me even when I can't think straight and take my frustrations out on her. I have my Daddy who comes and plays Candy Crush with me on days that I feel lonely. And who uses his wonderful grilled cheese making skills to make me dinner. I have my sister who laughs with me and stays up late to watch Spiderman and the Pink Panther with me. I have my grandparents who pray for me and offer their Godly wisdom when I feel lost. I have Jess Hohulin who will forever be a sister to me and who shows up with pizza and just sits and talks to me. I have Kara who listens to me when I am trying to be funny and gets me an awesome birthday blanket that never leaves my side. And she also is coming over to stay a weekend with me. I have Joe who helps me realize that this will pass when I complain to him and who makes me laugh. I have Lauren Fahey who comes to watch movies with me and hugs me while I cry even though she has had a long day at work. I have my dog Lucy who will cuddle with me whenever I feel lonely. I have an entire church family who have come to visit, sat with me at church, brought us food, prayed for me and constantly bring smiles to my face. I have friends at Bethel who come to talk with me and celebrate my birthday with me.

So even in the times when I feel so alone, I am never truly alone. God has given me a community of brothers and sister who step up to help me fight the battles that lie ahead of me. I only hope that one day I can be standing next to them.

In my sadness though, Christ has been speaking to me, and I feel like I am being led in a new direction this upcoming year. I have struggled between His will, and my will, but as we all know, He will win. I will be withdrawing from Bethel College to pursue another direction. The call to missions is weighing so heavily on my heart, and I need to act. I intend to send my application into Youth With A Mission (YWAM). I will be applying to the YWAM base in Hawaii. This is not a way to run away from the responsibilities that I have towards my education, but rather running into the calling that God has laid on my heart since I was a young girl. I cannot imagine what He has in store for me. I may be accepted to YWAM or I may not. If I am not accepted, I will take the year off to work and grow in my faith. If I am, I guess I will call Hawaii home for a few weeks. Though I am totally unsure of my future, I know that God's hand will be with me, guiding me, to the places that He has already picked out for me.

I can choose to remain in the darkest and saddest part of my soul, or I can move into the bigger and brighter part of happiness. And though I have picked the first choice for a few weeks, I think it is time to step into the other option. I was not created to dwell in a place where satan can so easily lie to me and deceive me. I am created to live in the joy that Christ has given to me. I am created to be His daughter. I am choosing tonight to walk towards His light.

Isaiah 40:31 says... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
My hope is in the Lord. My strength is being renewed as I choose His plan instead of mine. 


(Also, if anybody knows of a family in need of a nanny starting in the fall, I am looking for a job as a nanny. Or if you know of any other sort of job that would be a good transition job for me, please let me know.)