Fighting

Today was quite possibly one of the hardest days that I have had since my surgery. I am not doing so well with pain, but I guess I have become the master at holding my emotions in until I am on the brink of exploding. There were many tears that I cried today and for many different reasons. It is so easy for me to get caught up in my little world of hurt and pain, and that little world often overtakes me. I suppose that as I have been recovering I chose to occupy my mind with other things. Of course I can say that I trust God, but I am not sure how many times I believe that. In my heart I know that of course God has a plan in every situation in life. He has a plan and a purpose for my future, but I guess that I have been deceiving myself. Lately I have been trying to figure out things on my own. I keep trying to tell myself that I got this. I keep trying to ignore the messages that God is sending to me and I have been trying to plan my own life.

I am so scared of what will happen after I get my brace off. I am scared of the world that I will face when I am healed. For so long, my knees have held me back from accomplishing the things that I want to do. Now that I will be healed, I can do those things and I am terrified.

Tonight though, after talking to a great friend, I had the most amazing vision. I saw the Lord dressed in armor, with His sword drawn, facing forward. Behind Him, I stood. Next to me stood a line of my family and my friends, who I call family. And behind that line, a multitude of people stood. For so long I have believed that the fight I am fighting is my own to fight. But I have some incredible people who are standing behind me and beside me, fighting with me. I have my Mom who sacrifices so much of her time to drive me to doctors appointments. She loves me even when I can't think straight and take my frustrations out on her. I have my Daddy who comes and plays Candy Crush with me on days that I feel lonely. And who uses his wonderful grilled cheese making skills to make me dinner. I have my sister who laughs with me and stays up late to watch Spiderman and the Pink Panther with me. I have my grandparents who pray for me and offer their Godly wisdom when I feel lost. I have Jess Hohulin who will forever be a sister to me and who shows up with pizza and just sits and talks to me. I have Kara who listens to me when I am trying to be funny and gets me an awesome birthday blanket that never leaves my side. And she also is coming over to stay a weekend with me. I have Joe who helps me realize that this will pass when I complain to him and who makes me laugh. I have Lauren Fahey who comes to watch movies with me and hugs me while I cry even though she has had a long day at work. I have my dog Lucy who will cuddle with me whenever I feel lonely. I have an entire church family who have come to visit, sat with me at church, brought us food, prayed for me and constantly bring smiles to my face. I have friends at Bethel who come to talk with me and celebrate my birthday with me.

So even in the times when I feel so alone, I am never truly alone. God has given me a community of brothers and sister who step up to help me fight the battles that lie ahead of me. I only hope that one day I can be standing next to them.

In my sadness though, Christ has been speaking to me, and I feel like I am being led in a new direction this upcoming year. I have struggled between His will, and my will, but as we all know, He will win. I will be withdrawing from Bethel College to pursue another direction. The call to missions is weighing so heavily on my heart, and I need to act. I intend to send my application into Youth With A Mission (YWAM). I will be applying to the YWAM base in Hawaii. This is not a way to run away from the responsibilities that I have towards my education, but rather running into the calling that God has laid on my heart since I was a young girl. I cannot imagine what He has in store for me. I may be accepted to YWAM or I may not. If I am not accepted, I will take the year off to work and grow in my faith. If I am, I guess I will call Hawaii home for a few weeks. Though I am totally unsure of my future, I know that God's hand will be with me, guiding me, to the places that He has already picked out for me.

I can choose to remain in the darkest and saddest part of my soul, or I can move into the bigger and brighter part of happiness. And though I have picked the first choice for a few weeks, I think it is time to step into the other option. I was not created to dwell in a place where satan can so easily lie to me and deceive me. I am created to live in the joy that Christ has given to me. I am created to be His daughter. I am choosing tonight to walk towards His light.

Isaiah 40:31 says... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
My hope is in the Lord. My strength is being renewed as I choose His plan instead of mine. 


(Also, if anybody knows of a family in need of a nanny starting in the fall, I am looking for a job as a nanny. Or if you know of any other sort of job that would be a good transition job for me, please let me know.)