I believe in being transparent. I like to be an open book. I want to be honest. So this blog post is dedicated to honesty. I do not intend to sugarcoat and soften the way I am feeling. I do not want to staple a pretty bow to my problems to make them look less eerie. I want to be honest. I intend to open up my heart and share the truth that sits.
I hate not being able to be on my feet. I can not stand lounging in bed day after day because walking too much is a chore. I am bored out of my mind from staring at my iPods screen, then my TVs screen, then my computer screen. Not having your regular freedom sucks. Its been 9 weeks and I think I lost my brain somewhere around two. I know that this recovery is temporary, and I will soon be able to resume all my normal activity. My eyes have been open to the frustration that those who have no freedom because of pain or illness must feel. I can not imagine not living my entire life doing everythinng I want to do.
You know what else? I am lonely. I am seriously amd deeply without a shadow of a doubt lonely. I do mot say this to guilt any of my friends into coming to see me. Loneliness has been a constant struggle for me. There is no number of friends that could take that away. I don't know when the feeling of loneliness started, but I do know that Christ is the only one who can take that feeling away. I desire to have deep and meaningful relationships with people, and yet those relationships seem very far and few between. Being in bed though stirs up the feelings even more. Yes I have my family. Yes my friends come over, but there is still this unwavering deisre for companionship. And I do not believe that any human will be able to fill that. Maybe they can push the feeling to the. Back of my mind for a few moments, but in my deepest part of my heart there is a lonely whole.
Now this blog is not to complain or to show you how utterly negitive I can be. I always know that this time in my life is temprary. It too shall pass. One of my favorite worship lines says, "though the sorrow my last for the night, His joy comes in the morning." praise God for that promise.
So let me continue is my pursuit to be honest. I can not stand the flavor of nutella. Seriously. I have tried it like four times, and every time I just uhhh... I dom't even like the smell.
I have believed the lie that there is something wrong with me. I am talking about a legitimate something. Not the fact that I sleep with a spiderman blanket and color in Hello Kitty coloring books. No. Combine the loneliness and the temporarily dropping out of college, and the being completely broke thing, and you have yourself a reason to believe that there is something wrong with you. Well...yeah I am not so normal all the time, but I am a child of God, and He created me in His image. And it all hit me tonight. After I had a slight mental breakdown and cried about not going back to Bethel... There is nothing wrong with me. It would not matter if I was smarter and had gotten a ton of scholarships, Bethel still wouldn't feel right. It doesn't matter that I have no idea what I am going to do this year, they are not my plans anyways. It doesn't matter that I am flat broke, God gave me parents who are still willing to pay for me. I am not normal. There is something wrong with me. I have decided to break out of these social expectations to pursue what God has called me to do. That's not normal. I am not normal because I can not live my life in a classroom learning about my calling when I can actually be living my calling.
So here is another confession for you... I wish that I was going to Bethel this fall. I told my dad this, and he rightfully let out a sigh. I said "I want to go to Bethel." i think the sigh was because I kept changing my mind earlier this summer. Amd after His sigh I said, "but I know I can't because God doesn't want me to." It is so hard to follow God's plan. It is not rainbows and butterflies. I am chosing to walk down an unknown path that will contain uncertainty about money, there may be times of loneliness and possibly going to another country. And if i had gone back to Bethel, I could have taken out loans to cover the cost, and I would be surrounded by my best friends all the time so loneliness would be distant and I would be in a land that I am comfortable with. But going down the second path would leave a small voice in my head reminding me every step of the way that I wasn't listening to God.
My dad told me tonight to hang in there and my response was what else can I do. This is my calling. This is who God created me to be. And its really hard.
So honestly, I typed this entire blog for my own benefit. Who knows, maybe one day I can use it in a book. And honestly, my hair is so ugly tonight thanks to a bleaching experiement gone horribly wrong and I wish that I had my freedom to go to walmart to get some hair dye to fix it.
And honestly, I love it when songs fit where I am at in life. Tonight, I was reminded of a song that I listened to by ZoeGirl when I was younger. Its called Beautiful Name and I am adding my favorite lines here: Your heart I seek to find, with Your hands You've fashioned mine. Let me be used by You to carry truth. To the ends of the earth, til everyone's heard, my mended heart will share Your word. I will tell the world that You are God! I will run, i will fly. I will live to be a sacrifice. Through it all, I'll rise above, unafraid I'll face what comes. And for my faith, I'll live and die. I'll be strong, I will press on for the sake of Your Beautiful Name.
I do not think that this next year will be easy. I do not think that I will get it all together. I think that there are going to be really hard days. But I am learning to die to myself to receive the life that God had ordained before I was born.
Honestly, I am struggling. I am lonely and hurting. I know though that no amount of human help will fill the voids in my heart. Christ is the only one who can do that.
Honestly, I am blesses beyond words. I am loved. I am cared for. I have a family supporting me 126%.
Honestly, I am in love with spiderman.... Not really I promise. But i know more about him than any normal 19 year old should know.
And honestly, If you read this all the way through, and you are not my father, thank you for taking the time to listen. And thank you daddy for giving me the push to have the courage to say what I needed to say.
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