10,000 Reasons III

I know that I have been complaining a lot lately about my hard summer. I know that it wasn't exactly a happy thing to read. What can I say?! Free therapy.

But I don't want to complain tonight. My life is too wonderful. Despite the obvious reasons to be sad, God has given me so many wonderful blessings. So here I continue my list of 10,000 reasons to bless the Lord.

26. God's Protection
This week, I have almost been hit 5 times by a car this week. And I can not honk my horn for whatever reason. And please believe me when I say that none of them were my fault. But God is so much greater. God's protection is wonderful. I am so thankful for that.

27. My puppy
I didn't really used to care all that much for  my dog because she would bite me really hard when we played. She has gotten older now and she sleeps in my room every night. Even though she waked me up at 2 in the morning trying to get comfortable in her little doggie bed, I am thankful that I have a doggie to cuddle with and snuggle with.

28. Worship music
I always feel so incredible after singing praise to our God. I love to express my love to my Savior by lifting my voice. Sometimes songs can capture the exact way that you are feeling. I feel so connected to Christ when I am listening to uplifting and powerful worship music.

29. My surgeon
Now it may not be normal to thank God for putting someone on earth who has cut you open twice and is going back for another round. I am really blessed to have the surgeon that I have. Dr. Smucker is one of the most caring health professionals that I have ever met. When I went to schedule my surgery this week, I was by myself. I think he knew that I was pretty freaked out because he helped me get to the place where I needed to be, and he took extra time explaining what he was going to do. And while I wish that I was not having another surgery, I am thankful that he is the one doing it.

30. My health
It seems kind of crazy to say after the whole surgery thing, but I am so thankful that I am healthy. Knees can be fixed, and though it takes a while, and the chance of having pain free knees for the rest of my life is slim, I am thankful that I do not have something more serious. The fact is, I am going to live. I will recover one day. My heart breaks for those who live in constant pain. I hurt for those who will never know how it feels to recover from something. My pain is temporary, and aside from my genetically messed up legs, I am in good health.

31. The future
I am thankful that God has a future for me. I was complaining earlier because I didn't understand why God had asked me to take a huge leap of faith and quit school. But even though I cannot see the end of the road, I am walking in the direction of a bright and beautiful future perfectly designed by God, for me. Praise Jesus for that.

32-like 36ish. The women that Christ has placed in my life
I am so thankful for all of the Godly women who check up on me every time I see them. I am thankful for Louise Melander who hugs me every Sunday and asks me how I am doing, and reminds me that God has a plan. I am thankful for Gwen Trim who is more like a member of my family. She has done so much for me and she reminds me every time she sees me that she is praying for me. I am thankful for Mrs. Janet Fahey because not only is she the mother of my best friend, but she has prayed over me, she has listened to me, she has been concerned about me and she wants to be in "the know" about the happenings of my life. I am thankful for Stephanie Johnson who has stood by me since my freshman year of high school. And countless other women at Rivervalley.

37. Sleep
I haven't been on pain medicine this week in preparation for Tuesday and it has kept me awake at night. I am so thankful for the sleep that I get. It is so refreshing to wake up and not be tired. I love sleep. Thank God for rest!!

And I am going to stop there tonight, on an odd and totally obscure number. No matter how bad things get in life, there is always so much to be thankful for. I could not begin to count the number of ways that God has blessed me. Maybe this whole situation is not just me "getting hurt again" like I have heard so many times. I still view this as a spiritual refining process that I am undergoing. Good night my dear readers, find something wonderful to bless the Lord for today.

Suddenly

Today I was driving around the movie theater, waiting for Claire to come out. While I was driving, I had my iPod on shuffle and a song that I haven't listened to in a really long time. As I was listening to the song, I realized that I could relate with so many of the words. I wanted to share my thoughts and my feelings. So here is Suddenly by Superchick. 

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she's making might be taking her to who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

She feels locked in her own life 
Scared of what she might lose
If she moves away from who she was
And she's afraid of being free
There's a way she knows is right
And she can't feel the things she knows and so each step she's taking
Is a step of faith towards who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear
And the light is farthest back 
And through her tears
She can see the dawn 
Its coming skies will clear
And the light will find her where she's always been

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here


I highlighted the lines that stuck out the most to me. You see I am really good at feeling sorry for myself. Earlier this year when I decided not to go back to college, I thought that I was making the right choice. I knew in my heart that this is what I needed to do. But now, all my friends are going back. They will be starting a new chapter of their lives, and making new friends and new memories. I won't get to be there with them. It hard to have a picture of what your life is going to be like, and then watch that picture slowly fade and there is a new image emerging. I feel lost. I feel stuck. After weeks of recovery from one surgery, I have to start over with this upcoming surgery. I have no money, I have no community of people my age to be with right now and I might not have a job after my surgery. Things are a little bit out of control. And even though I know there is no possible way that I could afford to go back to college right now, I just have to ask God, what's the plan.

That feels like a question I have wrestled with and struggled with my whole summer. Maybe my whole life. What's the plan God? I know that he has one, I do not doubt it, but right now I feel like I am stuck and lost, waiting for this path to magically open up with a clear arrow that says my name.

But like the girl in the song, I always see that I am where I am supposed to be. After tears, and crying and pain, I am here where God wants me to be. And he has placed those dreams in my heart. They feel within arm's lengths, but every time I reach out to touch them, they slowly pull back farther and farther.

I am sorry that this isn't one of my happy posts. I have been feeling really down right now. But this is only the world. I know that there are better things ahead. I know that this surgery is only a minor set back, and that in a few weeks I will be better. But after you go through so much hard stuff, it gets more and more difficult to see the good stuff ahead. I need my friends the next few weeks. I need texts and calls and visits. I need laughter and happiness. I need God's strength to carry me, because on my own, I know that I am going to fail.

Suddenly, I am where I'm supposed to be. After all the tears, I'm supposed to be here.

Surgery 2

I am having surgery. I am having surgery in 6 days. That is less than a week. And I am freaking out. I wish that I could tell you that I am totally okay with this. I wish there was a way to be super positive, but I honestly just can't be right now. I know that I am blessed, and there are people who are in far worse conditions... but right now, I just want to be sad. So while I am being sad, here is some happy things about me :) and I would love to hear your answers. Also, please come visit me after surgery. I get bored and lonely.

List five things you want to do before you die? Travel to Ireland with the love of my life. Write a book. Have several children, or adopt a few. Sleep in an aquarium room, or the hotel under the sea. Buy an old bus, replace the seats with beds and travel the country with my best friends.

If you won the lottery, what would you buy? My dream house and James Franco to be my personal assistant. I would buy another huge house and stock it with clothes, shoes and make up and open a house to women leaving prostitution.

Starting School

OH MY GOODNESS YOU GUYS... I have listened to the song 22 by Taylor Swift a million and a half times in the last week. I usually don't like her, but I love this song. Its so perfect.

I just wanted to give you an update about the first day of school for Claire and I!!!

We got up really early compared to sleeping in until 10 and 11 everyday this summer. My mom got me up at 7:30 this morning. I didn't even know there was a 7:30 in the morning!!! It turns out there is one. And I only had my mom wake me up because alarm clocks give me mini heart attacks and then I get out of bed and my stomach feels nervous and then I don't feel real good. But we got ready and we looked super cute because we wanted to make a good impression. Then we loaded into my little Bug, realized that we forgot our water bottles, so we got them and pulled out of our driveway.

On the way to school, we waited on hold, on my phone, for about five minutes, we waited for a train and we listened to approximately two complete songs because of telephone conversations. We did not get lost whilst on our way to Ivy Tech. Which was super good because sometimes I am really bad with directions. We drove around the parking lot for a few moments, saw where all the "cool kids" hang out to smoke, prayed together and found a nifty little parking space. We walked up to my classroom together, and Claire went on from there. She did not want me to hug her.

Ivy Tech is different from Bethel by about a million and one things. First off, I love the idea of cheap education. Ivy Tech is really good in that aspect. My teacher really enjoyed cussing in front of the class and making crude jokes. I suppose that when you are teaching psychology, these things are acceptable. He was very rude, but I guess he was funny because the class was laughing at what he said. I thought he was being unprofessional. The girl next to me kept rolling her eyes and asking if we were in high school, and she got really frustrated every time the teacher said we needed to read the book, do online quizzes and assignments. Maybe she doesn't understand that college is actually work. She seemed grumpy to be there and her fake eyelashes were not glued on properly.

I sat through the entire class listening to the teacher explain that he does not take excuses, that he will not pretend that some stuff in the book is boring, that he cannot help one student without doing the same for everybody else and he said about 50 times that he will never actually care about us as students. Needless to say, I am no longer enrolled in psychology. Now I am just taking an online History class. I know, I shouldn't strain myself ;)

I am glad though that I have the opportunity to spend 30 minutes with my sister every day driving her to school. She is awesome. She had a good first day of college. Mostly her classes have to do with interior design. I think that she will do great.

I also met with the family that I am going to nanny for this year. They are really sweet. I think that I will enjoy it so much!

There are many promising things in the year ahead, and there is also a lot of uncertainty and fear that comes with growing up and deciding how to live my life.

Its a good day to be alive.

Monday

It has been two days since my last post... man I am getting really good at this whole blogging thing.

Oh friends, I am riding the struggle bus pretty hard core this week. I think the hot mess express is on its way. But seriously, it has been a rough week, and it is only MONDAY!!!! AHHHH! In my complaining though, I am still rejoicing in the blessings that I have. So here is a list of them, so you can rejoice with me:

1. I am getting in a lot of prayer time and Bible reading time. This is awesome. There is nothing to distract me because I have had nothing to do!!

2. I have spent a lot of time with my mother, and she is awesome and I love her a whole bunch. Seriously this is the highlight of my summer. Laying in bed and watching Monk is really fun!!

3. I get to drive! Which means rocking out to bad 80's music with my little sister and laughing at people that we see on the road. Except today... today I turned a corner and there was this kid in a striped shirt jamming out hardcore in his car and he looked so happy. And then I was like smiling because more people need to be like this kid. And we made super awkward eye contact for a few minutes and he made the "Charlotte" face and waved!!!! Then we passed each other and went on with our day. That was awesome.

This is what my friends refer to as the "Charlotte" face. 

4. I got to here a great message on Sunday and I got to worship with my friends. I love being in community.

5. My grandma got me a cupcake carrier and a hello kitty bag because she loves me. Also because I taught her how to use her iPad. Shes the nicest old gal on the block (Bonus points if you can name this movie.)

6. I have a job!! And I think that I will enjoy it, and I get to start next week!!! WOOHOO!!!

7. I got to see my friends from Honduras. And I got to celebrate one of their birthdays! And I got to hang out with the Gorman family and they make my heart smile!! (That's for you Michelle if you are reading ;)) And I got to see Jordan Melander who is a superhero and a wonderful friend! Again, I love community.

8. I finished my first week of class in one day. Like a boss. and I got an 85% on my quiz!! (it's all online!!!)

9. I get to see my besstest friend in the whole wide world LAUREN FAHEY this week. and I love her a lot and I can't wait to spend quality time with her lovely face!!!

10. My other best friend, Joe Rasbaugh, has literally listened to me whine and complain like everyday for this whole summer and he still talks to me. He deserves a medal, also he should count his blessings that he has never seen me cry because I look like a Kim Kardashian/Tobey Maquire cross. But he is great even when he insults me every night.

11. I talked to a really nice nurse on the phone today. She was very sympathetic and helpfully. I appreciated her very much.

12. I am in a great mood because I literally spent this whole weekend around people. I like community a lot.

So even in the midst of my heart aches, I am a blessed individual. And to be honest, I feel like a fraud typing that. I have been so negative about the developments in my recovery. It really is looking like surgery might be the only option at this point. I have done my therapy, and really tried on my own, but I have had three complete dislocations. And one of them while I was driving in South Bend by myself. I am tired of this and I just wish that there was a magic wand that could fix every little problem in my knee. But for the time being, I will take my Vicodin, which is starting to effect me a little bit more hehe :), and continue with my therapy.

God didn't promise an easy life. He said there would be trials. But I can not wait until I am with Him and there will be no more pain, after I have lived an abundant life of course.

So for all of you who think that I am being super positive about this, I am not haha! I have melt downs almost daily, and there is a lot of pain and hurting. But I have so much to be thankful for!! And if you want to pray for me, I would appreciate all of your prayers. God can do miracles and it feels like that is what I need at this point!!

On a side note, If you need a babysitter or a housekeeper or anything else this year, I am so available for hire, and I would love to help out!

Thanks for reading,
Char

Flaw Free

HI THERE! I am Charlotte and this is what I look like when I am writing a blog post.

Just like camping, you can tell that I am super intense (hehe)

I hope that you are settled in and prepared for an interesting trip because I guarantee (I literally just learned how to spell that today) that you will find just that on this blog. 

I want to talk about beauty because I am all for it. And when I am talking about beauty you know that it comes with a side of purity and a little bit of truth to add some flavor. 

I like summer. I like it a whole lot... except I don't like heat because it makes me sweaty and being sweaty is very far from beautiful. (mainly because super straight bangs absorb the sweat located on the forehead and then they turn into curly bangs that are wet.) So summer is awesome and stuff, but you know what isn't awesome... some of the "outfits" that are worn during the summer. Sometimes I think that girls have actually forgotten to put their pants on. Girls who forget to put on enough clothes kind of disgust me. I understand that it is hot out, but I guarantee that there are plenty of appropriate clothes that are cool and modest. So I would like to complain that some of these "outfits" are not beautiful. 

I would like to begin by stating a few facts, and they are all facts about myself, but I just want to paint a picture for you. By stating these facts I certify that I am an expert on the topic of inner beauty (and outer too) so you should listen to me and believe me! 

1. I am a plus sized girl. I have curves, but they are mostly there because I am a little bit chubby. 

2. I believed the lie that I was ugly for far too long. 

3. I am a firm believer that everyone is beautiful. Literally everyone. 

4. God does not make mistakes. He does not make junk. He has not messed up. 

5. I believe that when you are confident with your beauty on the inside, your beauty on the outside is majorly enhanced (i.e. You are smiling and you are carrying yourself with confidence. You are proud of the way you look and you present yourself in a manor that reflects how beautiful you are on the inside)

6. I believe that beauty on the inside is the most important thing for a woman to understand. I also believe that it is important to dress and present yourself in a way that lets others know that you are confident in your inner beauty. 

I think that there are many women, and even more young women who do not accept that they are beautiful. I am sure that there is something physical that each woman wishes she could change. I wish that I was a little bit thinner, or that I could never ever  ever get a pimple. 

Inner beauty is something that so many people struggle with. There are things that make our insides really ugly. Negativity, insecurities, sin, hatred, self-loathing, comparisons, lies that we believe, ect. There are some girls who get that beauty comes from what is in side. There are other girls who have heard that saying a million times and they roll there eyes and think that is the stupidest and biggest lie in the world. There are other girls who believe that they are ugly or that something is wrong with them. Before I get too far into telling you all how perfect you are, I just want to share a verse with you. This verse comes from Song of Songs, and that is a lovey-dovey book about two people who are like so in love, but I want you to remember that all scripture is inspired by God. When I read Song of Songs, I always imagine that it is a love letter that God has written to us to remind us how much He loves us. 

So the verse is Song of Songs 4:7 and it says: You are all together beautiful, my love, there is no flaw in you. 

Admit it, if a guy said that to you, you might go weak at the knees and your heart would probably speed up to a million beats per minute and you would just want to hug that boy and never let go. 

Well guess what? A guy did write that. And He wrote it to you. God literally thinks that you are perfect. He thinks your crooked smile is beautiful. He thinks your hair that will NEVER NEVER NEVER lay the right way is gorgeous. He just thinks that you are so incredible. I want to be real with you. So many girls who are insecure in who they are look to boys for acceptance and feelings of self worth. Are you one of those girls? I know that I was. Being told that you are pretty by someone is the greatest feeling in the world. It can put you on cloud nine. But the feelings that come from other people's compliments are only temporary. You should feel beautiful all the time because honestly, you are. 

Inner beauty is not something that can be achieved from a day at the salon. You can not find it in the compliments that your super cute crush gives you. Inner beauty can only be achieved through accepting who Christ made you to be. You can only truly love yourself when you accept how much Christ loves you. 

You have all heard this before, and maybe you are rolling your eyes at me because your youth leader tells you this every week and you still don't believe it. If you honestly think that all of this is junk, you don't have to keep reading. I do not think that someone can change your mind into accepting yourself as you are. I think it is a deep and spiritual process that only comes when you are confident in Christ. You want to know how you become confident in Christ? You spend time with Him. You read your Bible and you get to know His heart. You pray and sit in the silence and get to hear His voice. There is no magic pill to take away the negative feelings that you have about yourself. It is only through Christ. 

I mentioned above that I think outer beauty is important. I do not mean that I think that you should look like a super model in vogue. I do not mean that you should wear a ton of makeup to look pretty. I don't know how to put this any other way, so I am going to use myself as an example. I went through cosmetology school. I like to do my hair and I like to do my makeup. I do not think that my makeup, my hair, or my wardrobe is what makes me beautiful. I wear makeup because 1. I like to enhance what I already have and 2. I like to express myself through the way I dress up my hair and style my face (it is like art to me). I am just as comfortable in my make-up free face as I am with a smokey eye and lipstick. I feel that when you are comfortable on the inside, you will feel beautiful on the outside. It took me a very long time to understand what this meant. It is a feeling that I can not describe, except it is wonderful.  When you feel beautiful and confident on the inside, you want to look nice and you take pride in the features that God has given you. 

I said earlier that I believe everyone is beautiful, and I meant that. I have friends who wear makeup and look nice and pretty, but you can tell that they have insecurities. Even though they look amazing on the outside, you can just tell that inside they are miserable. Then I have friends who wear make-up, and they are confident in who they are, and they just look completely stunning. I even have friends who don't wear make-up, but they are confident in who Christ made them to be and they are just as pretty as the first two girls I described. God made us each so unique and wonderful, and because we are his creation, we are so beautiful. Beauty is never, ever, ever about what is on the outside. Ever. Beauty is what is on the inside. 

So now I want to share a few verses with you to remind you that you are beautiful. You are beautiful on the outside because God made you, and He never makes mistakes! And even if you don't agree, He still thinks you are stunning. And through him, you can be beautiful on the inside. And when that happens, that inner beauty will just shine through your whole body and make your outside beautiful too! 

Psalm 139:13-14: You created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  God does not make mistakes, He made you in His image. You are a likeness of Christ. You are His beautiful daughter. He took nine months to make you wonderful with no mistakes. 

Psalm 3:15: She is more precious than rubies and nothing you desire can compare with her. You are so special to God. He loves you so much. You are beautiful like a gem. You are perfect like a diamond. He cut you and fashioned you in a way that is gorgeous and shiny. You are His precious jewel. 

Proverbs 31:30: Charm is deceptive, and beauty will fade away, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.  Make-up, clothes, young looks, smooth skin, all that is going to end one day. You should not invest into how you look. Your investment should be in your relationship with Christ. There is nothing prettier than a woman who loves the Lord with all of her heart. 

1 Peter 3:3-4: Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. This means that what you look like on the outside is nothing compared to how much you love God. It means that you should let your beauty be from your heart, from the areas where you love God so much. External beauty will fade, but your heart for God is more beautiful than any makeup or outfit. 

Remember that you are flaw free. God thinks that you are beautiful everyday.You are His. You are loved. You are precious. You are beautiful. 

Un-Courageousness and Other Stuff Like Whales.

Deuteronomy 31:6 commands us to be strong and courageous. It says that the LORD will go with us. And He promises that He will never fail us, and He will never abandon us.

I think that this verse was written for me.

It's easy to get caught up in our lives. It's easy to forget that the Lord is going before us, and that He is on the look out behind us. Sometimes it feels like He isn't there. Like maybe He is on vacation to Hawaii, because there is someone there who needs Him more. I forget the first part of this verse a lot and I tend to focus on the last little bit. Especially during this time in my life. I don't really want to be courageous, I just want to go on with my life as scheduled.

We are called to be courageous which is defined as followed: Not deterred by danger or pain; brave. Hmm... let me just paint you a picture. I am a nervous person. Also I don't like to take risks, and I let the fear of injuring myself keep me from doing a lot of things. Yea... I am pretty sure that is the opposite of courageous. And I won't really give you the definition of strong because I am pretty sure that you can all define it your way. 


I am really good at trying to escape what God has called me to do. And guess why I do it... because I am a accident prone, nervous wimp. It's scary to listen to the things that God tells us to do. It is easy to ignore it and think that maybe one day we can do it. But what if we were courageous in everything we did? What is really the worst thing that could happen? The every next part of the verse literally says that the Lord is going to be with us. So you know, it's not like we have the most powerful being in all of Creation on our side. Why can't our brains connect those two things? (maybe yours does, but I know that mine sure doesn't)

And now I am going to move into a different topic, and hopefully somehow I will figure out how to make this post come full circle... 

I want to talk about loneliness because that is originally where I was going with this post. Hey for those of you joining Char's blog train that is already in motion, I struggle with loneliness. I'm going to be honest with you... I have a lot of acquaintances, and if I put in more effort, I am sure there could be really good friends, but I think that there is still a part of my heart that is super insecure, so I just like to stick with the friends that I already have. But anyways, I have felt lonely for as long as I can remember. I feel loneliest when I am by myself and either in a bad mood or hurting really badly and I feel super lonely when I am in a group of like 12 or more. I know it makes so much sense. I believe that God can heal me of this. I also don't think that any amount of acquaintances becoming friends will fix anything. (sorry for the rambling and small journal entry, I hope you all have enjoyed being my virtual therapists). 

In all honesty, I don't always acknowledge the fact that I am never truly alone. God literally says that He is never going to abandon me. That means that He is always there. No matter what. I forget this so much, and I don't think that I am alone in this thought. We can never escape him. (Check out Romans 8... no I am being serious.) 

I just find this verse really encouraging, and maybe you can't tell that from my rants above. But it is such a beautiful verse. In all of our fear and "un-courageousness" (totally made that up) we have a strong God who is not going to abandon us or let us fail. He is not going to let us do the scary things alone. He promises that he will be with us during everything. I don't know about you (but I'm feeling 22... oh wait), but this verse makes the big and scary things less intimidating. It means that even nervous, hurting, weak little me, can do something insane for Christ's glory. 

I want to ask you all to just stop and think for a moment. Is there anything that God is asking you to do that you don't want to do because you are fearful? Is there anything that you are trying to run so far away from and forget because you just don't want to do it? I am sure that you are all aware the running from the Lord is something that I am really good at doing. I have been called to be a missionary... do you know how scary that is? I am good at running. I am good at throwing little pitty parties for myself and telling myself that no one understands me and that I am all alone. I am really good at it you guys! So please, please, please learn from my mistakes of being un-courageous and fearful, and just listen to what God is tell you to do. And if my blog posts aren't enough to motivate you to move into action, then you can go to this little book in the Bible called Jonah (or you can watch the VeggieTales movie entitled Jonah and the Whale) and read about what will happen if you decide to run away from that little voice in your heart. You will get swallowed by a big fish! I kid you not. That fish might look different. His name might be guilt or depression or emptiness. 

Just listen for a few moment and see what God is telling you to do. He is always ready to speak, just quiet your heart and listen. 

I am a Sinner

We are sinfully people. There is not one man or one woman on this earth who has not sinned. There is no one void of any fault or blame. Sin entered the world when the very first couple decided to do things their way instead of God's way... and sin will be here until the last person on earth is dead.

Isn't it kind of sad that we screwed up something beautiful... God had spent all this time making such a pretty place for his creations to live, and we screwed it up. Imagine spending so much time working to perfect something only to have something, that you created, even though you told it not to, come and destroy it. (I don't even know how to begin to fix the grammatical errors on the previous sentence.)

Can you imagine a perfect world? I cannot begin to fathom what this world was supposed to be like....

I was thinking tonight about sin. And I was thinking how frequently we do it. Or how frequently we try and justify the sin that we are in. Sin is sin. There is no getting around it. We are ugly people who have nasty, dirty and sinful hearts. We really deserve nothing. We are constantly letting down the Man who has given us life. We break His heart everyday. Does this upset you as much as it upsets me?! I don't understand how someone who could wipe us off the entire planet, and start over, can love a bunch of messy, ugly black-hearted people.

But somehow, He does. He loves us so much. I don't get it. I don't understand how the Creator of the entire world can love a bunch of people who constantly break His heart.

And worst of all, sometimes we don't even acknowledge our sin... we try and justify it. Like somehow we think that we can make it okay. We can read our Bible for an hour to cancel out the lie that we told earlier. Or we can go to church every Sunday to make up for all the times that we have made TV an idol. I DON'T GET IT.

But, I don't think that I need to get it. I think that knowing that I don't understand Christ's love is okay. I am so thankful that I am forgiven. I am forgiven for every time I tell a little white lie, I am forgiven for every mean and hurtful thing I have ever said to someone. I am forgiven for my pride.

It's all about grace. By the grace of God, I am forgiven.

I just want to remind you of a verse that can hopefully encourage you if you find yourself feeling guilty or if you are trying to understand grace and love and you just can't get it.

2 Corinthians 5 says:

17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.[b] The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 18 All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; 19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling[c] the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 21 For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

We are no longer an ugly, black-hearted sinner. You are forgiven, I am forgiven, only through Christ's grace. He doesn't have a tally going to see how many times you mess up, He wipes the slate clean. Through Jesus, we are reconciled, we are healed, we are forgiven, and our hearts are made to be as white as snow.

Sinning is inevitable, we are humans, but forgiveness is eternal and unconditional and never ending when we ask our Maker for it. Praise God for His endless mercy and abounding love.

Come to Jesus and Live.

Okay, and now it is 1:30 and I have something else to say. First off, Joe Rasbaugh is one of the greatest friends ever and he is super good and listening and dishing out the truth. Secondly, I was listening to worship music and the song "Untitled Hymn" really spoke to me. Also Ecclesiastes 3 was on my mind. I had something profound to say, but I am too tired to say anything. :) Please enjoy the verses and the song. 

Ecclesiastes 3 says:  

1 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.

Weak and wounded sinner 
Lost and left to die 
O, raise your head, for love is passing by 
Come to Jesus 
Come to Jesus 
Come to Jesus and live! 

Now your burden's lifted 
And carried far away 
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so 
Sing to Jesus 
Sing to Jesus 
Sing to Jesus and live! 

And like a newborn baby 
Don't be afraid to crawl 
And remember when you walk 
Sometimes we fall...so 
Fall on Jesus 
Fall on Jesus 
Fall on Jesus and live! 

Sometimes the way is lonely 
And steep and filled with pain 
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then 
Cry to Jesus 
Cry to Jesus 
Cry to Jesus and live! 

O, and when the love spills over 
And music fills the night 
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then 
Dance for Jesus 
Dance for Jesus 
Dance for Jesus and live! 

And with your final heartbeat 
Kiss the world goodbye 
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and 
Fly to Jesus 
Fly to Jesus 
Fly to Jesus and live! 

It Is Well With My Soul

Well it is midnight. I just wanted to let you know because it seems that I have the best inspiration at odd times of the day. I don't really have a point to this post... I am just going  to type until I feel better. I hope you all know that this would be my journal entry if I actually kept a journal... So you are all getting a tiny little glimpse into the heart of Charlotte Walterhouse.

To begin, I watched a super intense episode of Monk, and my brain is still trying to process what happened. It was really crazy.

I am crying tonight and I know that most of it is because I am still fairly heavily medicate. There is also a bit of sadness in my heart. I have a really hard time feeling sad. I don't like to be sad, so I bury the feeling down as deep as I can and I pretend that it doesn't exist. I do the same thing with anger, although I really never t feel super angry.

Anyways, with the sadness mixed with medicine,  I look a little bit like Tobey McGuire when he found out that Uncle Ben dies.

I mostly posted that picture for Kara Walterhouse because it is her favorite picture ever. 

I am sure that you all know about my knee recovery, and though it is going well, I am still struggling pretty badly. The doctor gave me a few options to think about for the next few days and hopefully I can figure out something that will work for me. 

I also feel really lost. I know that I am headed in the direction that God has laid out for me, but this time of waiting and deciding is really difficult. Its hard to know that all of my Bethel friends will be going back to school, and that I won't be there with them. Its also hard to be at the place of wanting to grow up and leave the house, but not having the resources or the strength to do things on my own. 

I don't understand the trials that I am facing. This time in my life is so confusing. On one hand, I want answers. I want to know what the hack is going on. On the other hand, I have never felt more blessed or supported than I do now. God never said that life was going to be easy, but I am so glad that he has given me people to walk through the trials with. 

I was listing to the song It Is Well With My Soul tonight, and I was so overcome with emotions. There is no storm, there is no trial, there is no heart ache or burden that I go through that God is not in the midst of. There is nothing that can tear me away from Him. 

My first instinct when things get hard, or when I get sad, or when I am confused, or when I feel so overwhelmed with life is to try and decide how far away I can run to get away from the feelings. I always think to myself, well if I was living in a mud hut in Africa things would be so much easier. Um JOKE. The thing about feelings and emotions is that they go with you where ever you go. I can never run away from my own problems. 

I feel like I should write something encouraging to make up for all of the sadness and confusion of the above post, but nothing is coming to mind tonight. SO I will just say this... if you feel overwhelmed with life, or you are struggling in confusion, just cling to Christ and carry on to the end. Because even when it feels like things will never be good, God always has a plan up His sleeve. I pray for all of you tonight. I pray that you are blessed beyond what you can imagine. I pray that Christ meets you in the hurting and confused areas of your life and reminds you that he is still near. 

I am in love

Allow me to set the stage for you tonight... It is 2:21 in the morning. I am on pain medicine. I should have been asleep hours ago, and yet here I sit on my iPad typing this post. My knee is currently killin me right now and I have no idea where this is going. I can't sleep though because I feel like God needed me to share something. This will probably be a longer post.

For those of you who do not know, I am a hopeless romantic. I love gushy, mushy, sappy romance. I believe that I will fall in love and when I do, I know that I will fall head over heels and be that girl that everyone wants to ignore because she is so happy all the time. I know that some love is a fairytale and I know that not every relationship is a Nicolas Sparks book.

But evem though I am a hopeless romantic, I am single and I always have been. I do not want to date for the sake of dating. I honestly believe that God will let me know when I have met my husband. I don't think that we need to date around and try and decide what we like in someone of the opposite sex. I don't think that I need to make out with a million guys before I meet my prince charming. I have no intention of sleeping with "frogs" to find out what I want I want in a husband. I do not want to walk down the isle and look into my husbands eyes and think "Oh yeah! He's gonne be number 21, I finally got it right." I don't want that.

I think that so many girls get caught up in dating and sleeping around because they don't know who they are. I think our world glamorizes sex and imprints in the minds of young girls that they need to have sex with their boyfriends to keep them. I think that excessive amounts of dating or "friendships with benefits" provides a skewed picture of what marriage is like. There is an easy out in a dating relationship. If I don't like something my boyfriend does, I can just break up with him and look for the next guy to hold hands with. It gives a false sense of how marriage works. I think divorce rates are so high because people don't want to work at their relationship so "breaking up" with a spouse is almost as easy as breaking up with a boyfriend. I do not understand dating.

I can say everything that I just said a million times, but somehow it took a while for it to sink in. I am going to be honest with you... I have wanted a boyfriend since like 6th grade. I would say that I have liked a ton of different guys. I got to a place though that I began to think that something was wrong with me because no one ever liked me back. In middle school, a guy asked me out as a joke as all of his friends stood around and laughed. From that point, I honestly believed that there was something wrong with me. I thought that no guy would ever like me. But I have come to a point in my life where I understand why it has never worked out with anyone before. None of those guys that I liked were the one that God had for me (and if one of them is, then obviously it just wasn't the right time, but I highly doubt that). I don't need to have a ton of boyfriends to test a guy out or to find quailities that I want in a husband. In all honesty, I have a pretty good idea of the kind of man I want based on certain quailties that I find in my friends. It's not always easy to be single or to wait patiently. In fact, sometimes it's really hard. There is a huge chhunk of my heart that is ready to get married and own a home and have babies, but I know that it is not my time yet. I simply have to wait.

I started doing something several years ago and it has helped me make it through the hard and lonely times that come with being single. For starters, I have a great group of friends who can act as my temporary "significant other." My friends are a huge help when I feel lonely. The other thing that I do is writing. I have a box and in that box, I have over 150 letters addressedto one person, my future husband. Obviously I have no idea who this man is, but I can tell you that I love him. Writing a letter and addressing it to someone that I know I will meet in the future has really helped me. I fill my letters with hopes and dreams for the future. I include scriptures and prayers that I pray over a man whom I have never met. I imclude lyrics to longs or quote from movies. I just write whatever I want. Some of them are really sappy and others are totally hilarious and boring. Love is a beautiful thing, but it is hard to have so much love and no one to share it with. I am already his, and he is mine. We just haven't met yet and we don't know each other, but God has us on reserve for one another. I wish that I could say being single is great and super easy, but for me, it is hard and it requires a lot of work to stay positive about everything. My deepest wish is to remain as single and as pure as possible until I meet the wonderful man that God has for me. And I can only pray that he is doing the same thing. I may meet him tomorrow, or I may meet him 10 years from now, but I am confident in the love story that God is writing for me and him.

And my love, if you are reading this, there is no way to describe how axious I am to meet you. I am waiting as patiently as I can.

Send me

God's timing is always perfect, and yet... I still can never grasp this fact. Sometimes I wish He was slower and sometime I wish that He was faster. I have been freaking out about the things that he has called me to do the past couple of weeks. Its scary. But tonight, I was talk to my dad who is n Honduras... and I have been looking at his pictures of adorable kids that He has met, and in hearing him and seeing him, God has reminded me that he has plans for me. The past two years when I haven't gone to Honduras, my heart has broken. My soul longs for the simplicity and disconnect from our crazy, fast paced society. My heart yearns to be with people who have nothing, and to learn from them.

I am grieving tonight because I wish that God could speed up time, or that he could invent a get-rich-quick machine so that I could be overseas, on a mission field.

I don't know how I am feeling tonight... I thought that as I typed I would have this great revelation. But here I sit, confused and frustrated. I am ready to go. Send me. But His still, ever present voice reminds me in my heart, I am preparing you... there will be a day.